Golden Boy
by EditionsOfYou
Summary: Eiri Yuki is an reclusive hoarder. Shuichi Shindou is an aimless delivery boy struggling to find himself after a series of set-backs. Will they be able to help eachother, or form a deeper connection? Or will their difficulties keep them apart?
1. Chapter 1

Thank you for clicking on my fifth Gravitation fic.

Since I seem to make a point of making stories with bizarre premises that nobody cares for- I thought I'd continue on that same track and write this one too. So already , I'm sorry about this ( as I am sorry about everything I've ever written. ) This is an idea that came to me, and for whatever reason, refuses to go away until I submit to it. And I submit this to you for your condemnation and indifference. Also hopefully writing this will get the ball rolling on some other pending projects too. Sorry about the bad grammar, mistakes. I hope it makes some semblance of sense. Trigger warning includes: mental illness- in particular hoarding, anxiety,learning disabilities and homophobia... As always any feedback is appreciated.

( Also merry X-mas and happy holidays to you too! )

* * *

He adjusted his name badge on his blue over-sized vest, with his messenger bag cutting into his shoulder, raking down into his arm. His hands fruitlessly tried to find his pockets- a nervous habit of his. Not finding a pocket to readily slip his hand into, his hands ran and rubbed up and down his sides, up his thighs, and sometimes restlessly fisting through the sides of his hair and then he remembered how odd he must look doing that and tried to stop himself. He hated these shorts with too many pockets. Anytime he would put something into them, he would invariably forget which one he put it into, and he would have to check all of them again. Then feeling condemned and hopeless, he lowered the brim of his logoed baseball hat to further cover his face, the hat he had been given to wear, a further topping of humiliation. Why not, he thought, he should be quite used to it by now. If he would ever get used to anything.

Shuichi Shindou had been briefed, was wearing the uniform, had -with great frustration- done the required reading (that no one did) but still felt ill-prepared. Naturally. He was.

It was his frist day.

Another frist day of another menial job.

Shuichi wondered exasperately : How many more frist days would he have?

At least, it wasn't standing at a cashier, bagging groceries in glaring light and even more glaring silence occasioned by intermittent beeps and even more mechanical courtesies . All those hours on his feet hurt.

His feet had hurt him again, when he had waited in a hotel tea lounge, pacing back and forth, pouring scalding tea, picking out dead flowers out of vases, getting complained at by well-dressed customers, snipping with the other waiters and crushing pounds of ice in the kitchen for the daily buffet.

Or when Shuichi been washing dishes in another kitchen , constantly with boiling hot water at a frenetic pace, having the futile sense of accomplishment finshing a stack of plates until more came clanging in like an invading parade, to brusquely undo what he had just completed, until he could nearly slough off the pruned skin off his wet hands.

Still was better than Shuichi's intolerable stint in the custodial arts , working for his father's janitorial mangerial company. His father instructed that he work from the 'bottom up' and as a point issued him the worst jobs, but for what purpose, Shuichi didn't know and still didn't. This included disinfecting filthily surfaces , killing scrambling insects and their young , swapping urinal cakes and mopping head-ache inducing geometrical bathroom floors, near choking against his face mask, amongst the other stomach churning aromas. He had to quit because he literally hadn't 'had the stomach' for it,on a particulary bad day, Shuichi had thrown up on himself, and then been tasked with the indignity of cleaning it up afterwards.

But that was not discounting his unfortunate week in construction, working for a contractor (until the other workers, and even the contractor's daughter had harassed and laughed at Shuichi 's pink hair and soft looks to the point of him quitting) . Also - the fact he was clumsy, useless with tools and had hammered some appendage, electrocuted himself, glued his fingers ,dropped the tools on his foot,more times then he could count . That had been an added incentive for to forego any longer there, if only for his own well being and everyone else's.

Afterwards there was his job heavy lifting boxes and boxes of inventory and retrieving requested merchandise in a gloomy foreboding stockroom of a vast mid-tier department store- despite the fact Shuichi was hardly capable of heavy lifting ( he had wobbled, bumped into and dropped everything) or at finding anything in there due to their illogical filing and placement system. It was the same department store Shuichi's mother worked at, at one of the make up and perfume counters where she spent giving impressionable and uncertain customers make-overs in order to sell them the over-priced products afterwards. Although the place was so big, sometimes he and his mother could go for days without seeing eachother (which was a relief). Shuichi's storeroom duties had been a temp job , and it had came and went, like the rest of them, after the 'seasonal sales and 'spending' was over.

It didn't much matter.

No matter what job he had had, the result was the same.

Either it ended with Shuichi being fired or quitting.

Now the role Shuichi currently inhabits is that of the office delivery boy of a publishing house.

At least, no matter how long this job lasts, he thinks, he has the chance to get out, get around the city.

Shuichi frist duty and priority is to deliver a box to the listed address on it. The rest are envelopes, letters, documents, manila folders to send to individual persons, some others to offices. Why they can't just be emailed or faxed is another question he wonders. Perhaps having a messenger bringing it is to give it an air of importance, exclusivity, a personal touch , or it is the publisher house perogative to attach signicance to a physical object. Or maybe in these letters there are things that are too private, 'delicate' and cannot be sent otherwise, or so the sender imagines? His boss is supposedly 'fussy', anal retentive, an eccentric. Shuichi doesn't know if this is true. They have never spoken. Shuichi was hired by an overworked assistant manager.

There are very specific instructions on the one box Shuichi must deliver.

He figures he will deliver this item frist, as it is the farthest away.

He takes a bullet train out- and due to the crowding on it, he has to stand, close enough to hear the sounds of the people breathing and the chafe of their worn fabrics around him.

Shuichi nearly gets off at the wrong stops several times. Once he gets off, it's a long journey that also involves him meandering around on several confused and chaotic half-gentrified streets and alleys. It rains on him as it were meant to only rain on him, and he near slips and bangs his hip on a errant pipe, box near dropping out of hand.

Already he's sweating . Inwardly swearing. Once again, Shuichi is afraid for no obvious reason. Other than this is not a particularly nice area, and he's suspects he's taking too long to find the address - if he wants to get his other orders done in a timely way.

Already he feels with a sense of dread that he is not succeeding.

Already, this is not going well.

Then he finds, that the address is in an industrial building that looks borderline condemned. The unit is on one of bottom floors, and he gets there by taking a elevator that has a charred cigarette butt on the floor. Right under the "No Smoking, Fire Hazard" sign.

He arrives to the floor, but has to traverse from one side of the buidling to the other, through the fire escape since the building is divided into halves that the escape serves as an intersection. He, to his disbelieving amazement, finds the proper unit, (according to the water-marked sign) and knocks on the door.

Nothing.

After a few seconds, he knocks slighly louder again.

This time Shuichi hears a cough in the silence.

Shuichi knocks once more.

"If you're ... trying to sell me something." A masculine voice replies testily." ...Not interested."

Shuichi stands up taller. Surprised. The voice sounded too clear. Sharp. He would have expected a subdued and tremulous voice- to match its decrepit surroundings.

"No... I'm ... not here to sell you ...anything sir." Shuchi says heistantly.

There's no response.

Shuichi only knocks again. More forcefully.

Finally a grumbling. Sounds of shuffling.

The door opens a crack.

One amber eye is spliced through the near-closed door way, through uneven tortoise shell glasses.

Shuichi is taken aback by the eye's gold color.

" _Oh."_ The voice says from behind the door. "...You're one of... those."

Before Shuichi can even try to begin to comprehend what that statement means,the smell of cigarettes, and something else brooding, un- nameable and unpleasant like a force-field, repels Shuichi back.

The door opens a little more to reveal the voice's owner- a bit of of beard, and with it a scraggly thicket of hair grown past the shoulders .The hair is goldish, stringy, greasy, dirty blonde, some tangled strands hanging in the owner's grey complexion. His nicotine stained fingers curl around the door's edge with a claw grip. He stares down at Shuichi through the barely open door way.

"Um ... Hello sir." Shuichi finally says unsteadily , ignoring the man's smelliness and unkemptness, and plasters on what he hopes as a polite smile. He wonders if he's made a mistake, or a mistake that has been committed on the logistical level . But the address is right, as it printed on the box which he checked again and again. He is where he is supposed to be, even if it doesn't feel like it. Shuichi starts quickly. "I'm ... sent on behalf of the-"

"...Don't care." The terse monotone voice breaks in, the one errie golden eye in the doorway narrows suspiciously . "...If I give you some money... will you go away?"

"No. Its not how it works ... Mister... Ue...Ue...sugi?" Shuichi struggles to read the name off ontop of the box. He then smiles again and tries to sound officious and obsequious as possible, reminding himself he is wearing a name tag and a hat- as if that gives him authority."You are... Mister. ...E...iri... Ue...sugi,uh ... right? Let me ...start again. I'm Shuichi Shindo, a messenger sent here on the behalf of-"

"I don't give a damn ...how it works , who you are, who you're sent by... ot what you're here for." The man's voice cuts into Shuichi's speech like a rusted instructment, grating and hostile, painfully out of his dry and cracked lips.

Nervously , Shuichi re-clutches the box to himself.

Eiri Uesugi then grinds his jaw with his cigarette yellowed teeth, and leans forward, his shoulders hunched into the door, like he's being pressed agianst it. His fingers tighten on the door way to steady himself. Although his pale waxen face hardly moves, his gold eyes (now two eyes visible) shift around. Inspite of the unflattering glasses, and the dark welts of his eye circles , they seem overly bright. Intense. Unsettled.

Shuich thinks unnerved, : this Mr. Eiri Uesugi is unsightly. Ugly. In a foreboding odd striking way. A face , that despite its horrid and off-putting quality, Shuichi won't soon forget.

As if to add to this effect, the bearded bespectacled man then hacks a viscous repulsive cigarette cough into his fist and then wipes some whitish spittle from the corner of his mouth (which causes Shuichi to grimace and step back ) and continues, mumbling, eyes half-lidded. "... I'm... I'm not... interested in any interview or any pictures... I don't ...do that anymore, you understand?"

Shuichi winces. "...Excuse me? Do what... you say? "

A bleak grunt. "...Do what... any of you want..."

"Uh." Shuichi gawks.

This exchange is so bizarre, Shuichi can scarely believe this is actually happening. On his frist day, of all times. Why would anyone send him to this place? To a delusional man with golden eyes?

Speechless Shuichi realizes he is gaping at Eiri Uesugi's sludge grey colored sweat shirt that drapes over what seems a gaunt figure, the windbreaker jacket over it and faded jeans. Then to his tortoise shell glasses nearly sliding off the bridge of his nose, that still can't cover his furrowed brow and depressing eye circles.

Shuichi realizes it has been a quite a long time since he's spoken.

The other man only stares back with a surly tired dolorous expression.

"Um. Uh. P-Pardon sir. I ... I'm ... very sorry, I think... there's been... some kind of mistake... " Shuichi stammers , his head bowed. He decides to give the other man the benefit of the doubt: this Eiri Uesugi must be confused about what accepting the box entails. Shuichi also feels confused for some reson and suddenly way too hot. He gulps quietly. "...No photo ID is required and I don't need anything else, but a simple verification that you got-"

The man interrupts him acerbically. " Yeah - there sure has been a mistake ... On your part. And it will be a worse mistake on your part , if you don't leave me alone-"

Eiri Uesugi jars back the door.

Shuichi realizes: the door is about slam in his face.

Reflexively, he shoves the toe of his sneaker there.

The other man doesn't express any shock at this.

He only tries to swing the door shut against the obstruction.

When Shuichi does not move- he looks up at Shuichi infuriated.

"...What are you _an idiot_?" The other man snaps hoarsely. His stare manages to convey icy contempt and fury.

"No! I'm not ! I mean- I don't mean to... bother you sir ! Not at all. I'm just trying to do my job! I was sent , I'm just a delivery boy you see- And if you don't take this box, my boss will be mad at me-as you're my very frist assignment. I was sent to personally give this to you- and perhaps... ... its my frist day, and maybe I didn't start out right and we got off on the wrong foot!" The younger man retorts desperately, eyeing the rubber toe of his shoe warped and wedged in the door. His toes are crammed way back in his shoe to avoid being crushed . "So if you'd just give me a chance, I need to give you this, and get your signature saying that you got it, and then I'll be on my way- ! And if you don't want it, at least tell me if you want it returned- and tell me why, so I have something to tell the office when I get back-"

"...Not my problem. All I want is for you to return wherever you came from. " The man hisses, hastily reaches into his pocket and then shoves, crumples some money into Shuichi's hand. " Unless you run off and fetch me a six pack of Sapporo's and some menthols. "

"... Cigarettes? Alcohol?! No sir. I'm... I'm not going to do that. "Shuichi gapes, Eiri's Uesugi's money crushed in his grip. "I'm not even _allowed_ to do that!"

The man looks down at him coldly ."...Then what goddamn good are you then?"

Shuichi's jaw only drops further open.

" Thats what I thought. You damned brat. " The other man sneers. " Now take your shoe out of my door ."

Shuichi does.

When he does, the door slams in his face.

Shuichi tenatively knocks again.

"...I have your money sir..." He creeps forward timidly. "Or if its alright, I can leave your money... and the box here- "

"Listen you little pissant!" The man yells breathily behind the door. "I'm not giving ... out autographs. I'm not... _him_ anymore. Go find some other bastard to bother!"

And a final dull listless calling out, like a post script, five seconds later . "... And take your fucking box with you too."

Shuichi leaves the money (and the box) on the doorstep.

* * *

Later, not knowing what else to do, Shuichi delivers the rest of the folders, letters and documents that he's alloted.

Those deliveries occur without incident.

On his way back to the office, he wonders what he should do now.

He technically did give Eiri Uesugi the box, but he's required to get the signature to prove someone did recieve it.

Shuichi realizes he should have brought the box back, claimed Eiri Uesugi was not home. It is too late for that.

He could still say he delivered it. However this entails that he forge Eiri Uesugi's signature on the form, but he does not know how Eiri Uesugi signs his name.

But without that signature, there is no telling if Eiri Uesugi actually recieved the package.

He thinks: They probably won't know the difference.

For inexplicable reasons, Shuichi decides to tell the truth .

* * *

Due to being unable to procure Eiri Uesugi's signature, Shuichi is fired.

* * *

That night, Shuichi tries to explain what happened.

He is exhausted, ashamed and disheartened- so much so he can't go bear to go home to his parents (whom he lives with) and tell them the truth, that he was fired (again)- but this time on the frist day.

Maybe Shuichi thinks he can lie at least for a little while. Like he did once before, saying he had a job at a record store, but actually sitting around in the park for hours instead- or going to bookstores, to read the comics and then not buying them, putting them gingerly back on the shelf to the clerk's impatient glares.

Currently , they are are in his friend's Hiro's dorm room. They have stolen the the common room stereo and talking over Hawaiian style pineapple pizza - and beer (both his friend's treat) , which they are eating cross-legged on the floor.

"I think its a record. Fired on the frist day... but this time, it teally wasn't _my_ fault. It wasn't - I got some nutbar at the frist door. I mean what are the chances of that? Is that bad luck or what?"Shuichi grimaces at his own pun.

Then he continues angrily. " He refused to just do one simple thing, sign a paper for ... no reason! Other than being crazy! This guy said some absolutely loony stuff about the press and interviews and not wanting to have pictures taken of him, freaking out about nothing, he even swore at me and tried to slam my foot in the door!"

"Then the job is nothing. Don't even think about it man. If that guy was really that insane, just be relieved you got away and didn't get murdered or something ." His friend Hiro assures him .

" Yeah. I guess. The guy _was_ a real wack-job... he even looked like a scary mad man, like the kind you see in slasher movies." Shuichi tries to laugh but realize he's still too shaken by today's incident - to do so. " And the wierdest thing is that... he had these... strange... colored eyes too. "

"Strange colored eyes?" Hiro snorts. "Now I know you're making this up-"

"No really! They were. Yellowish ones. Gold. " Shuichi reminisces- troubled by the memory. "... Like... his ...blonde hair...but he wasn't a foreigner ... He had a Japanese name too. "

Hiro puts his slice of pizza down and stares at him.

"... That is wierd..." Hiro asks, eyebrows raised. " Do you by chance remember the guy's name?"

"... Uh... Ei- ri? Eiri... Eiri...Uesugi?" Shuichi forms the name hesitantly. Even saying his name there is a deep stirring discomfort within him, a guilt, like he shouldn't be saying that name out loud . The experience was disturbing and bothersome enough on its own, without relating it or reliving it to anybody else.

"...Eiri Uesugi with gold colored hair and ...eyes... You mean the ... Eiri Uesugi? You mean _Eiri Yuki_? " Hiro sits up, eyes wide.

"Yeah. Eiri Uesugi. I mean ..what?" Shuichi barks. " What do you mean - Eiri Yuki? Thats a completely different last name!"

Hiro informs him. "Eiri Yuki and Eiri Uesugi are both the same person."

"What are you talking about? And how do you know that? How do you even know of him?" Shuichi waves a hand. "Was he a jerk to you too? He must get around! "

" How can you be dense? How do you not know of him?! " His friend scoffs." Well. I guess you don't read much."

"Not if comics count as books, no. Even then I'm mostly looking at the pictures. " Starving, (misery always makes him voracious ) Shuichi takes a enormous bite of his pizza and chomps it down with his mouth full. " So what, is he a writer or something?"

" Yeah." Hiro explains. " Eiri Yuki is just his pen-name."

Shuichi sniffs. " Big deal. You know his stuff?"

"Ofcourse I do. To say he's an a author, is an understatement. Eiri Yuki is more like some brilliant prodigy. Or was. A phenomena. AKA. the Golden Boy of the literary scene or some critics not so orginally coined him- due to his unsual coloring, gold-hearted charm and promising talent, He wrote his frist novel at 16 - about... 7 years ago, and it sold millions of copies around the world, and it was translated into different languages. He got alot of acclaim for it. He even won some awards and honorary degrees too. One from this university too. "

Shuichi nearly spits his half-chewed pizza out.

Seriously?!" That mental case I saw today... _did all that_?! " Shuichi pounds a fist into his chest , coughing on some pizza caught in his throat. "How is that possible?! And he once was... _nice?!_ "

"Supposedly." Hiro says dryly.

"No that can't be the same person- and how can he be only 24?! He looked so gross, and ancient!" Shuichi exclaims.

Hiro points to a nearby bookcase on the other side of the dorm room . " Hey, it might be someone else, but I doubt it. How many people with golden eyes do you see around ? Look, my room mate has his book 'Cool' on his shelf somewhere. There' s probably a photo of Eiri Yuki in it. "

The other half of the room belongs to Hiro's room mate , Fujisaki Suguru . A quiet bookish self- concious , self-important music student who was never there in the room due to his long music practices ,and whenever he was, made it a point to ignore them both, putting his headphones in, and going straight either to his desk to read or into his bed to sleep. Fujisaki 's side of the room is also staged with laughably pretentious objects that Shuichi is always tempted to move around and hide and mock, such as ornate scarves, leather bound books and a lifesize metal bust of a dead composer.

"Let me see about that. " Shuichi climbs over to the bookcase. He, after a minute, finds the book on Fujisaki's nightstand.

Shuichi looks at the cover of Cool, then flips it open.

On the inside jacket, there is a photo of a fresh-faced well-dressed young man, leaning agianst a brick wall in a white collared shirt tucked into dress pants. Shoulders back, looking up into the camera , his head relaxed and tilted, a long neck on display. His hands in his pockets infront of him in a casual stance. Blonde hair swept over his forehead, over unmistakable gold eyes. Smiling an intimate and relaxed grin, almost laughing - delighted, beaming, invitingly, like someone might greet an best friend or a lover. The clean bright effortless image of confident youthful success.

And beyond that, incredibly beautiful.

"...Wow." Shuichi says , jaw dropped.

Hiro eyes him. "So is that the right guy?"

Realizing he is staring, Shuichi's face warms again.

"Yeah...I mean. ... he looks so... different here. " Shuichi suppresses the urge to scan and press over the image with his finger tips as if to test if it is real. The structure of the man he saw and the man he sees in the photo are so similar , familar- but at the same time, disconcertingly incongruent, like seeing a mannequin of someone next to the living person. "But thats Eiri Yuki for sure... You can't miss that face even with the glasses, beard and long hair he's grown out now. "

Hiro shrugs. " I guess that was his problem. "

"...What do you mean by that?" Shuichi asks curiously.

"After his big success and popularity , Yuki couldn't handle the attention or the attendent benefits of fame - so Yuki after being a idol, and having tons of girls throwing themselves at him, and being supposedly the next genius writer, vanished off the face of the earth. Except to issue an statement that he ' philosophically' renounced all the honors they gave him-whatever that means," Hiro chuckles. " and that he'd never write again. Some people thought it was a gimmick , a stunt to try and 'up the ante' for publishing houses or university presses to make him offers for his next book or to Cool's sequel, which they did for a while- some offered him obscene amounts, and contracts and advances, prestigious residences, even to make a movie out of his book, but he just wouldn't take it. Then people started to think it was a strategic move, to build anticipation by making a comeback later on waiting out after the worse of the 'Yuki fad' has passed, and reinvent himself into a more mature and serious image. But years passed, and the revival never happened and he started to fade out of cultural memory. Then people said Yuki had only one good novel in him, and cracked under the pressure of trying to write a successful second book. Or that he was a fluke. Others say what happened was Yuki lost his mind and became some sort of wierd shut-in. "

Hiro adds. "Obviously , there's some truth to that if what you're saying is right."

"Oh." Shuichi said soberly, staring at the author's picture. " ...Thats... kind of sad, isn't it? "

"Yeah... it is. " Hiro looks surprised at Shuichi's response. His features purse thoughtfully as if trying to find an appropiate response to that. Finding none. he says. "... But it .. happens I guess."

Why does it happen? Shuichi wanted to ask. But even Hiro, as seemingly perceptive as he was, couldn't tell him.

" Wait a minute...that doesn't make sense." Shuichi leans in and says pointedly. " Even if Eiri Yuki's not as famous as before , shouldn't the guy have _tons_ of money from that best-selling book? Why would he now live in some crappy place all alone?"

"I don't know. Maybe ... Yuki squandered all his money, or gave it to the wrong manager or mismanaged it himself. Maybe he got a bad deal. I mean he was a kid back then. It's not unexpected that alot of artists and alot of sixteen years olds are pretty easy to exploit and take advantage of . Or maybe Yuki's just crazy, and he chooses to live that way." Hiro comments.

'Why would anyone choose to live that way.' Shuichi thought, even more disturbed at that possiblity.

He flips to the back cover again. That ghostly photo of Yuki. That version of him , that self that didn't exist anymore. That smiling, promising (happy?) young man. A golden boy.

Shuichi studies the photo again.

" ...Did you ... ever read the book ?" Shuichi mutters, pretending nonchalance . "... What was it even about anyways?"

" Yeah. I did. But I can't recall if I liked it or not. It was back in my early teens. Back then it was the cool thing to do. Everyone was reading it or at least, they said that they were. "Hiro smiles absentmindedly."You know... I can barely remember anything about it... about the plot, or what created all the hype , or it was even all that great to begin with.I'm sure most people don't remember either. But thats how book crazes are, its the next best thing since sliced bread, until the next thing pops up ."

Hiro then nudges him. " But hey, since you're such good friends with him, maybe you can ask him about it ?"

"Ha." Shuichi says, unsmiling.

"Ha." Shuichi then says it again, clearing his throat, and states loudly as if trying to convince himself . ...That may be true, but all I know I was fired on account of him. Eiri Yuki or Eiri Uesugi, whoeever he is, or whatever he's done, all he now is an nasty jerk who cost me my job. " He takes a terse sip of his beer. "Whatever happened to him... he probably deserves it."

Hiro says . "Yeah."

Shuichi looks up and sees Hiro is distracted.

Shuichi mentions to break him out of his reverie. "Hey. Thanks for spending the night with me again, and letting me hide out here. Sorry to complain. I know you're really busy, and ... there's Ayaka who's always hankering for you."

Hiro looks a little dazed, at being reminded where he is, whom he is with. Then he readily smiles again.

"Yeah." Hiro says understandingly. "Ofcourse. But I would rather hang out with you whenever I get the chance. And by the way... "

He nudges Shuichi with his elbow again. "Happy birthday man."

"I told you before." Shuichi looks away, near flinches. "I... didn't want you to bring that up. "

" You mean the fact you're turning 20? C'mon you 're not the type to get depressed about that sort of thing. Everyone knows a birthday is just an excuse to drink and hang out, and get free stuff. " Hiro jokes.

" Yeah." Shuichi shakes his head morosely. Turning 20. He wanted to groan. He might as well be turning 200." I don't usually get wierd about birthdays. Its just ...this one. Its... significance. How strange it is, that I'm no longer a teenager... I feel like... its the end of something. Like I have to be... a... " His face twists into an expression of horror. "a _grown up_ now."

"Thats kind of a relief. " Hiro remarks. "Don't you think?"

" In truth, it feels kind of ...scary." Shuichi sighs. " Think about it...if I live to 80, a quarter of my life is ... gone Hiro." He snaps his fingers- . "...Gone... just like that."

" Hey mine too old man." Hiro laughs and briskly pats him on the back."Yours and everyone elses. There's no need for angst. Everyone goes through what you're going through. Don't be so dramatic. The world's not coming to an end. "

" I know. " Shuichi says glumly.

"You know what it is? You just need to go out, and find yourself a hot chick to help you relax. Like I have Ayaka. " Hiro grins, either at his own suggestion or at the mention of Ayaka , Shuichi cannot tell.

Shuichi thinks anxiously: Was it really that simple?

Would getting a girl answer all his problems?

To Shuichi, that only presented a new set of problem.

Like how to ge _t_ a girlfriend for example.

But getting a girl, had been Hiro's answer. Now that Hiro was going to school too. Hiro was pre-med. Most likely he was becoming to become a doctor, like his father was , or maybe a professor, like his mother, who was a professor at the university he was attending . They were a smart driven family, and Hiro already had an eccentric older brother who was a failed actor and couldn't be mentioned by anyone in the family without a knowing chuckle or a exasperated sigh. They didn't want the same for Hiro. They had expectations of him.

And when Hiro started seeing Ayaka more seriously, was when Hiro had began his metamorphosis into what was expected of him, a 'responsible Hiro', like a parallel version of himself . One drastic change was that Hiro had cut off his thick unmanagable hair. The hair he had spent years growing out much to the disapproval of everyone else, and dyed that incorrigible red. Not to be outdone, Shuichi had bleached his hair and dyed his pink to one up him. His hair was still pinkish, but now from lack of maintenance, it had faded to a dusky sunset hue with his black roots growing in, like a half-remembered joke.

But Hiro having that long red hair had been a symbol. Like Hiro's motorcycle and his faded hole-ridden band T-shirts. A distinguishing sign that Hiro was immediately unemployable, and intended for an more unconventional path.

And a new hair cut (and trading in his motorcycle for text books, changing his T-shirts for proper clothing) also, was a marker of something . A shift and sort of concessation to convenience , or to a standard dictated by some outward authority. But Hiro had done it of his own accord, changed for himself , changed for his family, changed for Ayaka. (Her family would never approve her seeing a long haired musician living off cigarettes and Ramen, and taking her out to all night karoke bars on the back of his motorcycle. )

And seeing him in his respectable state made Hiro non-descript. Unrecognizable . That was when Shuichi did get the chance to see him. Being a fulltime student and having a girlfriend, Hiro wasn't nearly as available for hanging out, or as obsessed with rock and pop as he was before, and since they didn't talk about music as much, Shuichi was a bit of loss of what to talk about.

Not that it mattered to Hiro, what Shuichi might think or what they could talk about. There were other more important things for him to occupy his time, and while their friendship was still important, it was old, and based on fading interests. Hhis relationship with Ayaka was unprecedented, exciting, and novel- and -ofcourse, there was the fact Ayaka and Hiro had sex- (another reason Fujisaki probably stayed away from the room) and friendship , inevitably took a back seat to that. Shuichi was Hiro's past, but Ayaka seemed to represent Hiro's undoubtly optimistic and productive future. Even though Ayaka was Hiro's frist girlfriend, Ayaka was marriagable material herself. She came from wealth, and she was studying finance, something that involved incomprehensible data charts, graphs, a litany of markets. Shuichi could never understand it and although it was neccesary that someone do that kind of work, Shuichi didn't want to understand it.

What Shuichi really wanted to understand was what made people change.

If he could understand that, Shuichi thought solemnly, he might not be replaced.

Shuichi reminded himself: he wasn't being replaced, he was just an adjunct to a wider of spectrum of Hiro's more complex and mature life now, their friendship was more a artifiact relationship, kept out of nostalgic need to hold onto the past, to reminisce over a simplier time when all that mattered was hanging out, goofing off, obsessing over Nittle Grasper and their high school Bad Luck band and dreaming of a hypothetic future that seemed so far away, but was now ,brutally blustering its way into their present. In that futute, their friendship wasn't as big of pirority anymore . But Shuichi was still Hiro's best friend (albeit bumbling and struggling one, a sort of living bad-example ) Hiro's side-kick- although in the past he had liked to imagine Hiro as his sidekick- how wrong and imprecise he had been. Now he was mostly there, in case things with Ayaka fell through. But that was to be expected. That was the way time was. Hiro was changing. More importantly, Hiro was happy. And Shuichi wanted Hiro to be happy.

Would Shuichi ever feel the same?

When already, Shuichi was already feeling his youth was being wasted , the wistful, despairing feeling of endless possibility recede from him like a sunset, or the shrinking slither of light glimmering from a closing doorway.

" Yeah. Probably I do. " Shuichi tries to smile. " I... need ... something. "

Hiro pats his shoulder, assures him. "Hey. Don't worry man. You just had a rough afternoon. But you got a lot of good times ahead of you. "

Right then, Shuichi is randomly bothered by the thought of Eiri Yuki, the smiling young man in the photo.

He doesn't feel so sure.

Hiro speaks up again after taking a swig of beer. "...Now ...I know you didn't want me to do anything for your birthday, but I knew better then to believe that. Unfortunately I've too swamped lately to get you something fancy, and offical, or find you a girl. But... I did manage to get you this."

Hiro pulls out a candy bar from his pocket (probably from the closest vending machine) and peels it open. He then grabs a nearby box of Pocky thats besides them.

He lights one Pocky stick on fire with his lighter and sticks it into the slightly melted candy bar like a birthday candle.

"There we have it." Hiro gestures to it. " Your birthday cake."

At this, Shuichi laughs.

Staring at the candy bar cake, its so shoddy and badly done, its funny. Somehow , its even better than if Hiro had done something pre-prepared, and proper. It reminds him of something the old Hiro would have done.

But knowing that, dampens his mood even more.

Shuichi misses his friend, who his friend used to be. But his friend is still here. They are still friends. For how much longer is unclear.

"So uh. Do you want to make a wish?" Hiro gestures to the candy bar sheepishly.

Shuichi stares at the burning Pocky stick.

There are so many wants, desires. Competing. Painful. Unfulfilled. Probably impossible. Some of them he was not certain what they were yet.

Shuichi smiles despite himself. "...Yeah I do."

Yet his mind is blank when he blows the stick out.

* * *

The next day, Shuichi is supposed to go to the park again and pretend to be working -so his parents won't find out he no longer has a job.

Instead, he finds himself taking the same train he did yesterday out.

* * *

Shuichi stands outside Eiri Uesugi's door.

He sees the box and money is still there, right where he left it yesterday.

Disgusted , Shuichi kicks it aside, and bangs on the door of Eiri Uesugi's unit.

He almost wants to see the boy on the photo of the book jacket. That glorious image- like a wished for mirage. The Golden boy materialized.

When the door does finally creaks open, he is greeted with the unbearably real Eiri Uesugi he met yesterday. That same beraggled mein, that same ugly, soured expression.

"You again." Eiri Uesugi grunts.

"Yeah." Shuichi grits. " _Me_ again."

"Can't get rid of you. Can I. " The man looks him up and down with contempt. "What now. You got another _box."_

"No! I don't have another box!" Shuichi snaps, suddenly feeling stupid and highly indignant, the two emotions vying for dominance within him. Nonetheless he squares his shoulders and locks his feet together. " I came here because I felt you ought to know something Mister. Uesugi. I was fired yesterday because of you and because of your refusal to sign that form . " He attempts to add haughtily to make clear the extent of the grievance. "On _my birthday_. "

Eiri Uesugi only says flatly. " Why should I care."

Shuichi ignores that question. Instead he asserts. "Its not fair. I was just trying to doing my job. I didn't even want to do it. I never meant to annoy anybody-or you. I went through all that trouble and I brought that box to you all the way across town, and you ...just left it outside your door. After all that. And I didn't even take your money - even after you swore at me and you were disrespectful. And I did it, because it was the right thing to do. I did the right thing. And thats how I got repaid. By being honest, I lost my job. "

The other man is silent. Surveying him distinterestedly. Like Shuichi might be a insect he has trapped to watch suffocate in a bottle or like he might be staring at a particularly loathsome blank wall.

Suddenly Shuichi wants to be enraged. Prideful. Full of hatred.

Instead, his eyes fill with tears, his mouth twists, his hands clenching into fists.

The failure and disappointment of the last two years overwhelms him. Then it forcibly tears its way out of him with a infuriated sob.

"So... whats your problem?! _What gives_?! Who taught you its ok to act that way ?! To TREAT someone that way?! I don't get it! Why couldn't you just sign the damn paper ?!I wasn't asking for so much ! Or for anything else? Was it really that much trouble?! It would have taken one MILLI- second of your time?! It probably took you more time and effort to be MEAN to me then to just sign it and let me go on my way! So why did you decide to pick on me?! Yesterday of all days?! " Shuichi explodes,his clenched fists by the sides of his face, ignoring the fact that tears are streaming down his cheeks. "SO I got to ask, why are you so rude and thoughtless?! Or is it personal?! Do you not like my face or something?! Too BAD! Its not like I chose this face OKAY?! So what did I ever do to you to be treated that badly you BIG asshole JERK?! After insulting me , then you asked me to go get booze and cigarettes for you- frist of all, I'm not your servant, you can't ask me that! I don't even know you, secondly, you don't have the right to say that to anybody even if they were ! Thirdly, don't you know smoking is terrible for your health and will give you health problems?! See , even on that basis, I have already shown some basic human concern for you? ! Because I'm a human being with a basic ability for human interaction! Why is that such a issue for you?! Do you not know the meaning OF DECENCY ?! Its having SOME consideration for other people? But you didn't even think once that _I_ might be going through somehting tough or just be trying to do my best? Do you not have the capacity to think about anyone else?! Do you have no heart at all?! Or do you like upsetting people and making their LIVES harder for no good reason ? Are you that selfish and STUPID that you think nothing you do has consequences for anyone ELSE ?! Because it does! "

The man does not react.

Shuichi waves his arms, nearly besides himself. "I've had so many lousy jobs- and this was actually a better one I had, and thanks to you being such a idiotic BULLY for NO reason, I have to go find another one AFTER one DAY, that probably even worse then the ones I've had- and I'll never be able to move out from living with my folks who already think I'm a loser, or ever get a girlfriend - or have any FUTURE prospects! And I just came all the way here to tell you THAT!"

Eiri Uesugi stands completely still. Unaffected.

Trying to recover some dignity, Shuichi wipes at his eyes angrily. "And maybe- I'd like an apology from you too!"

"I'm not going to apologize to you ." The man says.

"FINE! If you won't do that, then I going to take that box inside. I delivered it to you- so it should go to its destination ! Not be left outside the door where anyone can take it or steal it! " Shuichi demands, desperate to accomplish something.

Maybe he's not someone his family is proud of. Maybe his best friend and he are growing apart. Maybe he doesn't know where his life is heading or if it will even head anywhere. But at least, as a matter of principle, Shuichi can give someone a box.

The other man says stoically. "That's not going to happen."

"Alright. Then it'll go in another WAY! I'll watch you you go out and take it in! Then I'll leave . You can throw it away once I'm gone, if you want but at least take it in so I haven't come all this way for nothing! " The younger man declares.

Finally Eiri Uesugi looks disturbed- like he might even be taken aback at him. "I don't _go out_ on request."

"Fine. " Shuichi grabs the box. "Inside it is. Or let me hand it over to you!"

"No. Don't. " The man commands, one hand held out. " _Don't_ come in."

"Why not?!" Shuichi charges, emboldened, box in hands like a battering ram.

Eiri Uesugi says. "I ...don't permit people inside."

"Oh yeah, then how do you ever have company over?!" Shuichi shoots back.

Eiri grits. "I don't."

"Ever?! " Shuichi snarls. "That's completely unreasonable!"

The man pauses, giving him a long and hard glare.

"...And you're one to tell me what's reasonable? After coming all the way to this place to come at me... to ... _bitch_ to me about your... stupid inconsequential problems? How is it my fault if your life is shit? A risible _little shit_ like you are. " The golden eyed man sneers down at him in his grating low scathing drone. " I know ...what I think? I think you ought to pay attention to what I'm going to say to you, because this might be the best moment of your wasteful meaningless life. How about that kid? Instead of blaming me for your pathetic... pointless existence ... where you carry on to achieve absolutely nothing except to be a source of constant consternation to everybody around you, and failing at being another self-absorbed pseudo -functional piece of garbage on the trash heap that is the world, you ought realize the reason you can't get ahead is because you're ... _worthless_. The fact you're here, bothering me, instead of looking for a job or getting laid, or wallowing in whatever shallow pleasures atrophies and numbs your delinquent and malformed mind, is only a sad reflection and reemphasizes that fact. ... that you're _nothing_."

Shuichi is pinned to the spot, skewered and transfixed by the man's cruel eloquence

Even crouched from behind the door, Eiri Uesugi seems to tower over him, eyes ablaze. " You think you can speak to ...who I am? You ought to know your own goddamn self. Because I can look at you , and I can tell you should realize there isn't anything to look forward to. Wake up and smell the despair kid, the stench of failure, oozing out of every one of your pores, like sebaceous oils that you produce so abundantly , or pus out of a corspe. Recognize you're got no _intelligence_. No _talent._ You know _nothing._ To call you _mediocre_ would be speaking too highly of you, but so would to speak of you at all. But how lucky you are to be free of the ravages of intelligence or any higher expectation. Just looking at your face... makes people want to throw up or erase that smug stupified expression off it. No wonder you can't even hold onto the most bottom barrel of jobs. You couldn't even stand here and curse me out properly like a man without breaking down like a nancy, and by the futility of your own display, you've admitted your own defeat and obvious sense of inferiority, and made a even bigger idiot of yourself."

He leans forward, breathing hard, so he's even more intolerably closer to Shuichi _."_ So I'd tell you to go jump off the nearest building but I doubt a mistake like you'd could manage that ethier, but given your capacity for poor judgement and harassing complete strangers, I doubt you have much longer to malinger on this mortal coil to burden the rest of us . So instead I'll say, I think its only reasonable course of action for you and that... box of yours can go straight to the juvenile section of Hell. Although I doubt there could be more torments there, as excruciating as your continued presence is- "

The man shoves a finger in Shuichi's nose.

"You damned brat. " The man finishes .

Shuichi then reaches his breaking point.

"...OH that's it! " Shuichi howls.

He then lurches forward, box first and propels himself into the door.

At the same time, Eiri Uesugi with a furious growl, pushes back,

They now commence a pushing match on either side of the door. Eiri Uesugi on one side, and Shuichi Shindou on the other.

Shuichi wonders how has he gotten to this point? That he is engaged in an pushing match through a door, a near physical altercation, with a crazy stranger, a has-been writer.

And even more madly, he wants to win it.

"Are you insane-" The other man yells. "If you don't go- I'll call the police-"

" You'll need to let go of the door to do that now don't YOU! And you get me fired and you still bother to insult me, and tell me to kill myself and go to hell, and you call me the crazy one?! Why are you trying to provoke me and RUIN my life?!" Shuichi cries and shoves himself against the door even harder. " All I want to know- is why are you being so HURTFUL?! What have I ever done to you! What do you want from me?! "

"You can't RUIN what you never had BRAT-" The man hurls back, pushing with startling force. "You can destroy your life all you want, but not on my PROPERTY. And told you what- to go to Hell- and no, by God, I won't let you in-"

An instant later, the door is almost closed.

Closed to the point, Shuichi can't even shove the toe of his shoe in, like he did last time. Shuichi realizes he is not strong enough, that he is losing.

"Why NOT?! " Shuichi yelps in pure desperation, a last ditch attempt to bring about some bout of devestation, to mirror what he feels. "Are you so BUSY, writing that second book that you'll NEVER publish?"

The man actually reacts .

Eiri Uesugi steps back, and lets go of the door.

Still frantically pushing, Shuichi falls forward into him, making the door swing open, whacking Eiri Uesugi in the face. His hands fling up. His glasses go flying off. The box Shuichi is holding, drops to the ground and is booted inside by their stumbling feet. The two of them both fall over it, one backwards, one forwards, their bodies stumble into each other. They both land somewhere on the ground, separated at last.

When Shuichi opens his eyes, he looks around himself.

Something has broken his fall.

But what he cannot register.

He cannot comprehend what he is seeing.

The place is entirely full.

Shuichi stays there on his hand on his knees, surrounded. As he were in a sea. With newspapers. Books. Boxes. Junk. Litter. Tables. Some of it compilied, stacked to the ceiling, in mounts and piles. Everywhere, belongings, crammed, beyond where someone could barely move.

His blood stops- and Shuichi starts to shake.

"Oh." Shuichi croaks , jaw dropping open. " _Oh "_


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much readers for your time, favs and your follows. I will do my best to get more of this story to you in some expedient way, so I might continue to post in smaller installments.

Aso this chapter make references to the lyrics to Glaring Dream which don't belong to me.

In response to bakayaro onna:

Thank you so much for your encouragment and positive feedback. I hope I didn't sound like I was fishing for a compliment back in my preface, but I am very grateful you were kind and generous enough to offer me one anyways haha!- and it coming from you, an extraordinary writer whom I revere and whose beautiful work I love and admire is an added boon. Truthfully I am always taken aback when anyone out there a _ctually_ reads or takes interest in my stories . I questioned myself as I posted this: ' What are you doing ? Nobody wants to read a fic with that strange/ excruciating/ whacked out concept?! Why are you exhibiting/ giving credence to/ subjecting people to your crackpot stupidity ?' but I think that with every story or new chapter of a story I post - and 99.9 % of the time I am right, quite deservedly...But if someone out there enjoys it -even if it were just you, or some other person - that's more than good enough for me and more then I (given what I write ) can expect and hope for. I hope this chapter continues to intrigue and pull you in too and thank you always .

* * *

Shuichi looks up from where he is.

He sees: Eiri Uesugi is bowed and slumped where he is, or where he has landed, on what appears to be a mountainous pile of dirty laundry, his head folded into his hands.

He says in a low emphatic growl. "...I told you _not_ to come in."

Hearing that, Shuichi clamours up to his feet.

He snatches for the door knob and kicks aside whatever he's sunk into.

When he's reached the door, Shuichi takes one last disbelieving look behind himself.

Eiri Uesugi is still there. In the midst and overwhelmed by the nightmarish disorder around him. Amongst whiskey and wine bottles. Abandoned appliances. Empty food containers. Furniture and litter.

He hasn't moved either. As if he has been implanted, propped up on a pedestral of trash. He is silent and still, almost as lifeless as all the objects enclosing him in, his face still hidden in the cup of his hands

"...I'm sorry." Shuichi stammers. " I'm sorry-"

As soon as he's out the door, Shuichi runs.

* * *

Later in the afternoon, Shuichi waits in the park.

He is sitting on his usual park bench, but this time with his head down and drawn into his knees in order to contain himself.

But when Shuichi spots Hiro drawing near in the distance ,he huffs in relief, and hurls himself forward , pumping his arms to hasten his already perilous momentum. Launching through space, skipping like a stone across the grass.

""Hiro-! "Shuichi cries towards his best friend. He is dizzy, drenched cold with perspiration, and heart rattling painfully like it means to riot and eject its way out of his body. "You won't believe what just happened- !"

Taking in the full scene, Shuichi stops himself.

Hiro is not by himself.

He is with his girlfriend, Ayaka Usumi.

Besides Hiro, Ayaka looks pretty, self-collected, and unconcerned. Her arm and hand looped with proprietary in Hiro's. Hiro's blazer slung over her shoulders.

She glances as Shuichu with a delicate frown and then checks her watch.

Ayaka reports to Hiro in her clear lilting voice. "Hiro, I'm sorry to mention this- but we are going to be late to Fujisaki's performance. If we dally too long, they'll close the doors to the theater, and they won't let us in-"

Hiro takes a constrained look at Shuichi's desperate and shell-shocked expression.

Then he considers Ayaka's calm and insistent one. As her thumb pets Hiro's hand.

"Ayaka." Hiro then turns and speaks to her in a gentle, diffident intimate tone -and rests both hands on her shoulders. " It'll just be a minute. Give us a moment alright?"

Ayaka smiles politely. "Sure."

Hiro then walks away with Shuichi down the concrete path they've walked down together many times before.

The added urgency (and novelty) of the suitation spurs their pace into a near jog.

" Alright. What happened." Hiro confers to Shuichi in a low voice, both of them still walking faster and further down the path, away from Ayaka, away from anyone's eye or ear shot for privacy's sake." Why'd you call me up- sounding like you've seen a ghost?"

"I went back. " Shuichi gasps besides him . "To see him."

"See who?" Hiro asks, barely catching up.

" Who else?! " Shuichi snaps. " Eiri Uesugi! "

"Damnit Shuichi- what do you mean who else?! " Hiro hisses and rushes forward, trying to get in front of him and does, then bounding backwards in large steps. "And _why_ did you do that!"

"I don't know Hiro." Shuichi only paces faster and faster, and as he does, he shakes his head repeatedly. " All I know is I wish I hadn't."

Hiro stops in his tracks.

"Woah woah woah-wait- what happened? Did he ... attack you or something ? " Alarmed , Hiro catches and grabs for Shuichi's shoulder. "Christ man. Are you okay?"

Dazed, Shuichi allows Hiro's hand to stop and steady him.

"No. No it wasn't that- infact I was the one- who bothered him- b-but- but I don't even know how to explain it. "Shuichi chokes , anchored by Hiro's solid grip. "I can't really explain - but I ...somehow went into Eiri Uesugi's place! But I didn't mean to do was an accident- but it's what I _saw_ in there-"

Shuichi's face crumples.

"It was full of... stuff Hiro. ... Not even... stuff. Most of it- junk. So much so you could barely move- until you had to ...wade or climb through it. I've seen messy places, but I have never seen _anything_ like this. Like a landfill had been dumped inside it! It was ... horrible... And the guy ...just lives like that - by himself! But I could tell he was ashamed that I saw it! He must have _hated_ me for seeing it..." Shuichi shakes uncontrollably.

Hiro 's eyes widen.

"And worse. I just- I just ran away, and left him there Hiro . But it was ...so terrible. I couldn't stay there for another second . "Shuichi's voice breaks into a raw whimper. With what feels like a gulf opening inside him, he groans aloud, a slew of tears burbling and pulsing down his throat. " It was just.. so damn awful and sad... Seeing him- like that... Especially knowing what ... what he was before. When he was so... promising and - "

Shuddering,Shuichi stops himself.

He realizes he was about to say : 'beautiful.'

Hiro releases Shuichi's shoulder.

" Listen. You don't have to say anything more Shuichi. " Hiro tells him sternly. "Or feel responsible for this ... guy's ... well-being- or whatever his twisted... problems are. It's alright. I'd just...forget about it. Put it out of your mind. I would if I were you."

After a moment, Shuichi utters." ...I don't think I can."

Hiro says impatiently. "What do you mean you can't? Ofcourse you can."

Hearing that somehow afflicts him like he's been physically struck. Like a fist to his core , batting through himself like flimsy paper. His vision is wavering, his open hands spasming before him -

Shuichi then tosses his head, turns and stumbles away. Blindly. He falls back, to lean against the nearest tree , panting and inarticulate with pain. Tears wetting, dribbling into his gasping mouth.

It's difficult to breathe- and to think or to function at all, and the world suddenly never has felt more indifferent and uncertain, more alien and accusatory, like something to be reviled, something to flee and fear.

He shakes his head again, speechless. And somewhere he can't discern, a bird cries, as if its coming out of him.

"No." He only says near inaudible.

Hiro leans in to hear him better.

Shuichi then says.

"...You know Hiro- you're really - smart. You're going to become a doctor... or something important. We both know that. You got a lot going for you. And me, well, what ... what do I got?" His voice rises and quivers, and he swallows down a silent sob- or perhaps a giddy laugh of complete despair." I- I've.. I've quit everything I've ever begun. I've ... never succeeded at anything. I'm not... good at anything. I don't know what I'm doing or have a clue what I want to do with myself. I don't have any talent. I know _nothing_."

Hiro stares back at his friend confusedly.

"Thats not true Shuichi." Hiro says finally. "You know it isn't."

"I don't know anything-" Shuichi says in a tight burst, and wipes at his burning eyes. "I don't-"

Then another sharp breath, and he gnaws at his own lip.

"I don't even know who _I am_ Hiro." Shuichi admits with a crushed breath.

Leaning back agianst the tree, miserably, fearfully, Shuichi glances back at his friend to apprehend his reaction.

Hiro stares back at him awkwardly. Mouth askew. Brow set with pity and sad comprehension.

And Shuichi realizes by saying that, he has committed some irreversible error. That he has said, and revealed too much, and effectively finished or destroyed something.

For a moment, they say nothing.

"Hiro-" Ayaka calls out - interrupting them out of their critical silence. "Its time."

They both simultaneously jolt and straighten up.

Now grasping, that Ayaka has followed them- and may have witnessed something that she and no one else was meant to.

"It's time to go and I do think we may already will be late- I hate to rush you Hiro, but we really have to right now - to even have a chance to make it-" Ayaka continues softly. Her pleasant nonchalant tone contradicts her stance . She stands behind them both, her refined feature displeased , her arms crossed infront of her chest.

Hiro grimaces.

"Look- I'm ... really sorry that happened man." Hiro then sighs , his hands outspread and haplessly open, but he's already walking backwards- drifting back towards Ayaka like a kite being tugged gently away, away from him.. "But ...I -promised her and my room mate that I would go to this- and Ayaka's waiting -"

From where he stands, Shuichi watches his friend retreat.

"Later Shuichi." Hiro calls out over his shoulder, unconvincingly as he goes to join Ayaka."We'll talk about this later. "

Shuichi watches Hiro put his arm around Ayaka's waist as they head off.

* * *

Shuichi spends the rest of the day sitting on the park bench by himself.

* * *

When he comes home late that night, (again, he's lied to his parents, saying that his work ran over time, and that he's had dinner with Hiro ) Shuichi rushes to his room before his parents can ask him any questions.

Once in his room, he closes the door behind him.

Immediately , he yanks, tears his shirt off- the burden of having to maintain some standard of decency beyond him , the extremity of the events of the day now making him feel wild and scarcely human- he takes off and throws his jeans aside too.

Clad in his boxer-briefs, he throws himself atop on the bed.

There he lies , dispossessed, collapsed, face down, hands planted on the back of his neck. Bewildering words, thoughts and images cloud and swarm, and echo in his mind and clock his pounding heart, and he suppresses the urge to tear his hair out, and shout and swear and scream until his voice gives into the stuffy suffocating darkness of his pillow.

Finally needing air , he turns his head to the wall to breathe.

Next to him he discovers, with a tentative hand, tucked in the crevasse between the bed and the wall, is his badly beaten up composition notebook.

The one he used to carry everywhere in high school, if ever 'inspiration' struck. Scribbled in it are his 'ideas'.Personal observations. Some titles . His 'songs'. Most of them mercifully never to be finished.

Hoping to distract himself, Shuichi then grabs and claws for it, and forces himself to look through his writings.

It doesn't help.

His face knots, contorts and twitches as he reads through his book. Sometimes he blushes, winces, flinches- mystified, agonized by his 'work.'

It's uncomfortable, and embarrassing, as if he is intruding, trespassing into an partial acquaintance's diary, or like it were badly plagiarized, but plagiarizing himself -an already bad writer.

Shuichi is also appalled and amazed at the quality and condition of the writing itself. All the crossing out. How it's scattered all over the page in no coherent structure. Discontinued sentences. Laboured phrases. Hackneyed word-play. Hesitation marks. Unnecessary question marks, Riddled with so many cliches , and obvious grammatical errors ,gaps and blank spaces where he's forgotten how or has skipped, or incorrectly written certain characters . Often he can barely comprehend why he wrote it, or what he meant to say at the time.

It wasn't so long ago when Shuichi had written these songs in earnest

He vaguely recalls writing them. How the activity had felt so important. Pure. Essential. Like a spiritual calling or a passionate, deeply gratifying yet gruelling endeavor. At one point , when these thoughts had occurred to him , dissatisfying him, refusing to leave him alone, begging him for his time,for utterance and expression. He had felt so much he needed to record his thoughts tangibly,so strongly to communicate them to other people, like someone seared by consuming questions or a holy revelation might have to write it on any open surface whether it be on a bathroom wall or in the sand , or shout it to unknowing passerby on the street.

Now he thinks, he 'd rather crawl into a hole, be shot into the sun, be flayed alive, then let this be seen by anyone.

Or maybe something had been lost, gone amiss, from mind to paper . It is as if the moment his thoughts had been put down, exposed and realized, they had lost their power, their potency, their beauty. Somewhere along the way, they had died .

Without Shuichi even knowing it .

Or maybe instead, he had changed- changing from when he had written it to changing right this moment ,right now as he read them?

But could he have changed so drastically, within such a short laspe of time ?

Throughly disillusioned Shuichi concentrates on the entry on the back page.

He wrote this one not long ago- a few months back one night in the park, during another one of his between- job periods. Back then, he was then still( fruitlessly, futilely ) attempting to write lyrics- to convince himself and his friend that his dream of pop success was still viable- and maybe it was, if he could just write one good song.

The next day , he had called up, showed his lyrics to Hiro in the park -thinking he was onto something- possibly his best work, even incomplete as it was .

However Shuichi had not been greeted with the reaction he had hoped for .

Hiro, although outwardly kind and diplomatic in his response, had been noticeably (to anyone who knew Hiro as well Shuichi did) unimpressed.

Shortly after that Hiro had told him his experimental gap year (the time-frame in which he would try with Shuichi to make their band work ) was over, and that his parent's patience had run out. That and he said , he wanted to quit the band to go to university . (Which Shuichi knew that had been with some encouragement from Ayaka , that he go to school and quit the band was a condition of them seeing each other more seriously )

And like that, the dream was over.

Without Hiro , Shuichi didn't want to go on with Bad Luck.

Also, since then Shuichi has been writer's blocked.

Meaning, this was the last song Shuichi ever wrote .

Of all things, it had been a love song.

Shuichi rips out the page out of the note book to read it better.

He reads:

" _The whisper that melts into the bustling crowd._

 _Blurs the memories scattered underfoot._

 _The lights of the town where I wander lost, glaring one way_

 _you are reflected in a wavering illusion_

 _If the kindness tells only of a uneasiness,_

 _flourished forever, I don't want a tomorrow"_

 _the words that should be able too reach you (its talk to myself)_

 _even certain things are too uncertain,_

 _What would I have to believe in to see you again?"_

Shuichi then folds the paper up.

He watches himself, as if it's another person, crumple the song up in his hand.

He remembers taunting Eiri Uesugi about not publishing a second book.

How could he, when he was not even capable of finishing one poorly-written (lying) love song?

Shuichi knew it was a lie ,because Shuichi has never been in love.

Lost, Shuichi looks out his window.

Down all the way to the bottom.

* * *

The next morning Shuichi leaves the house before his parents wake up.

Instead of going to the park-(the incident with Hiro yesterday has since 'spoiled' the place for him- for now and the foreseeable future), Shuichi goes to the closest convenience mart.

* * *

He takes his birthday money with him, in case he wants to make a purchase.

* * *

Once he does, he takes the train out , his bagged purchase stowed under his arm.

* * *

Shuichi's hand hovers over the now somewhat familar door twice.

He is back at the industrial building, standing before at Eiri Uesugi's apartment.

And somehow , the box he has delivered , two days in a row, is standing outside in the hallway again too.

It shouldn't be. Shuichi remembers when he accidently fell in, he dropped the box inside too. That they fell over it.

Then again, he shouldn't be here either.

But if the box is outside, then Eiri Uesugi must have made a point of picking it up, and taking it back outside again.

Shuich stares at the box, how ominious and disquieting it seems, sitting there, alone by itself.

He feels strangely afraid, as if this box has somehow gained consciousness , and not only that is aware of him and has been waiting for him to return.

He blinks hard to eradicate that thought. And any other thoughts of staying any longer.

But at the corner of his vision, he notices something else.

That the door is slightly open, because something shining is wedged at the bottom of it.

Before he loses his nerve, Shuichi looks downwards to check what it is.

It's Eiri Uesugi's tortoise shell glasses.

Shuichi then remembers those (ugly) glasses had been knocked off Eiri Uesugi's face, during their fall.

He bents down and takes a closer look at them.

The glasses have been broken in two. The lenses cracked. The back wires bent.

Shuichi the carefully tries to nudge the broken spectacles back inside through the door, through it with his finger.

But as if compelled by itself, the door creaks open. Little by little .

Finally , not to delay the inevitable, Shuichi stands up and nudges the glasses forward with a prod of his toe, to get the pair is glasses completely back inside the apartment.

By accident, the entire door suddenly swings open.

The entire dreadful tableau is opened before him again, like a portal to hell.

His foot still extended, Shuichi eyes the closest stacks of newspapers by the door up to the ceiling. The monstrous amount of stuff crowding it inside, and the big smothering dark presence of the place, followed by its heady and oppressive odor.

Then his eyes veer to the middle of the room.

Eiri Uesugi is in the center of it.

Sitting in an beaten up armchair thats been embedded in the middle of the scene, his fingers digging into the armrest whose seams have split and have been crudely duct-taped together. His legs are extended, his shoed feet stationed on a stacked pile of cardbox boxes and books that have formed a make-shift ottoman.

There seems to be a small path through the refuse, like one might machete a trail in a dense thicket, where his things have been shoved aside, like a clearing from the armchair to the door.

Shuichi realizes- Eiri Uesugi has done that, in order that he can get to the door to his chair whenever he needs to

Eiri Uesugi is also staring right at him.

Enormous-eyed, Shuichi stares back.

Somehow the man does not seem worried or concerned to see Shuichi standing there at his door way.

He only looks grimly, wearily at Shuichi. Expectant almost.

This time his eyes are naked, face bare, because his glasses are gone. What remains of them are lying at Shuichi's feet.

With more of his bearded face visible, Eiri Uesugi looks younger. Paler. And with it, his countenance looks more exposed, open and assailable. As a reminder of that assailablity , there is a even a deep purple-red scratch down the side of Eiri Uesugi's nose from where the spoke of the glasses had cut into him when they had been struck off. At the same time, with the eyes uncovered , the dark shadows under them are more pronounced, the gold color and affect of his eyes are more piercing , perturbing and uncanny than before.

Shuichi then croaks weakly, as if to explain himself. "...The door was open."

Eiri Uesugi says nothing. He continues to gaze motionlessly at Shuichi as if he's heard nothing.

" I swear this- is the last time we're ever going to meet ...or see eachother. But I just wanted to apologize. for ... for ...my behavior yesterday. The box thing ... was ...out of line. ...and I'm sorry ...about ...breaking into your place. That was... unacceptable...and I wanted to give you something as an apology. " Shuichi trembles and manages to say in a uneven faltering voice.

He then clears his throat.

"So... I brought you a pack of menthols and a six pack of Sapporo's."

The younger man takes the six pack and the pack of cigarettes from the convenience mart out of the plastic bag , and lays them down on the floor.

" I will leave them outside if you want them. "Shuichi then bows deeply. "Goodbye Mister Uesugi."

Swiftly, he turns to go.

Just as he's reaching for the door knob again to close it, he hears a soft croak behind him.

"...Brat. "

Then another cough.

" You got a light."


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all you readers for the new favs and follows, and I hope you like this chapter.

And a response to my reviewers:

Kateriarellano2: Thank you for your kind review and your positive encouragement was super and so are you!

SheikahLover: Thank you for taking a chance on a story with an unusual premise and for taking the time to tell me you enjoyed it and that you liked the length- it means a lot to me. I am also thankful for your helpful feedback. I don't want anything-especially simple grammar mistakes- to detract from any reader's enjoyment. Anything that can help improve my story is much appreciated. Now looking back I can see there are a lot of errors in the prior chapters that I have to go back and fix, ASAP. I hope you can bear with them for the time being and that you will continue to enjoy this next part too...

* * *

Shuichi turns around.

He pats down his pockets.

He remembers he doesn't carry a lighter or matches.

Why would he?

He doesn't smoke.

However, Shuichi is still patting down his pants and jacket's pockets like if he might find one, if he continues to pretend to look.

At the same time, he apprehends that putting on this charade is prolonging his presence here.

Or is that why he's doing it?

Eiri Uesugi rises from his armchair.

"You don't, do you." The older man announces. "Don't bother."

Eiri Uesugi walks towards him.

Although the pathway he has carved in the scrum of the mess is so precarious and narrow, he has to partially tread side ways.

He narrowly avoids brushing Shuichi as he passes.

Shuichi tilts back. Stands straighter.

He feels the proximity of the other man's body, his close presence, as if his skin were tingling, singed by their proximity.

Eiri Uesugi bends down

He grabs the six pack of beer and the cigarettes off the ground.

He turns around to go back to his armchair.

He doesn't look at Shuichi as he passes.

"Your money's out there." Eiri Uesugi mutters . "Under the box."

"...No." When Shuichi does finds his voice, it is small, wheedling, and defenseless. "...I won't...accept your money."

"Take it." Eiri Uesugi grunts. "...I don't accept handouts."

He returns, his restless stale smell and beer and cigarettes in tow. He sinks himself sluggishly back down into his seat.

Shuichi stands there.

Waiting for the man to say something else.

For something definitive and final to end this meeting.

But the former-writer is already sliding a can out of the pack.

Popping the tab of his beer.

Ignoring him.

"Okay." Shuichi stammers dismally. "That's it... I guess. Once more... I just ..want to say...I'm sorry Mr. Uesugi, and...that this really... will be the last time I'll bother you, and that... we'll... see eachother."

Shuichi feels he should say something more.

He wants to apologize about the broken glasses. He wonders how Eiri Uesugi can see without them.

Shuichi then, with a sudden self-abandoning plunge, wants to apologize for everything leading up to this moment.

Knowing he shouldn't.

He shouldn't remind the other man about the amount of trouble he has caused. Shuichi ought to go to prevent himself from causing more. The longer he stays, the more untenable and risky this suitation becomes. Hiro's warning and Hiro's own retreat-from him, is still fresh in his mind.

" ...But can I... ask you ...one question." Shuichi says slowly,carefully.

Eiri Uesugi freezes.

Mid-sip from his beer can.

" ...Why... do you have ... all these... newspapers here?" Shuichi glances at the closest thing by him.

Eiri Uesugi doesn't answer. Instead, he directs his probing stare at Shuichi- as if he is uncertain to whether or not Shuichi is actually there.

"...Well... if you ...don't have any reason you can think of." Shuichi tries to sound off-handed, but his tone is stilted, and alarmed sounding. "...Maybe ...I can ... do you a favor... and get ...rid of some of them for you then?"

The other man affixes his razor-gaze at the newspaper stack, as if now aware that they are there.

Without any reply, Shuichi tenatively stands on his toes and reaches to take some of the newspapers closest to him.

Eiri Uesugi suddenly erupts. " _No-"_

Shuichi stops himself, hand outspread.

Shakily Eiri shoots up.

Now animated, he climbs out of the chair and slams down his beer. It causes the frothy head to overflow out of the can.

"Stop." He hisses, rushing forward. Droplets of beer are scattered in his beard and roll down his fingers. "Don't _touch_ them."

"Idiot." Eiri growls, and positions himself infront of the newspapers. A fanatical gleam in his eye. "Didn't anyone teach you not to _touch_ things that don't belong to you?"

Shuichi stands back, fingers splayed open.

"Get back. " The other man snaps and nearly pushes Shuichi further aside. " ...They go in a certain order."

"But ...those newspapers must be ... old and out of date now " Shuichi gapes.

'Does it matter? " Eiri Uesugi huffs. _"I_ need them."

The younger man trembles. " ...For what?"

Eiri rubs his eyes. "...None of your business."

Shuichi only looks him up and down.

"...I haven't got round to reading them yet." The older man adds, defensively, and brushes his hand past the papers. " But I will. They're for.. research."

"..What...kind of research?" Shuichi utters.

" Does it matter." The writer says dully. A hand vaguely over his forehead.

"Yeah." Shuichi eyes him warily. Eiri Uesugi's oversized windbreaker and sweat shirt are creased and crumpled. It's the same sludge colored sweat shirt and the same windbreaker from when they frist met. He wonders how long the other man has been wearing those same clothes. "...I think it does."

After a strained pause, Eiri says intently, intensely, a hand placed on the newspapers to steady the stack or steady himself. "...It's... for my work."

Shuichi recalls Hiro telling him that Eiri Uesugi said that he would never write again.

Evidently that wasn't true.

But in that case, Eiri Uesugi has been attempting to write another novel for the last seven years.

To no success.

Or else, Eiri Uesugi is lying to him. Lying to invent a reason to why the newspapers are here and to why he has to keep them.

But why would anyone lie about that?

"...What are you ...working on?" Shuichi asks, throughly unnerved at both alternatives.

A drawn-out pause.

"It's not... of interest to anyone. " Eiri Uesugi says, mouth pulled deeply downwards. " No one will see it. "

He finshes. "I'll make sure of that."

He shakes his head as if remembering something. "...I don't have time to talk to you. See yourself out."

He turns to go back to his chair.

"Wait a minute," Shuichi erupts.

To his surprise, Eiri Uesugi stops in his tracks again

"...What's the point of doing all this work... if nobody gets to see it or appreciate it?" Shuichi asks, enormous eyed.

"It's not _meant_ to be appreciated. " The other man replies coldly.

"Not by.. other people maybe, but ...do you enjoy...doing it at least?" Shuichi ventures apprehensively.

"I meant ... _either way_." Eiri Uesugi hisses. Shoulders hunched with irritation.

"Then why do something...you don't even like?"

"Thats why." He says curtly.

Shuichi squints in confusion. "...You ...do things you don't like, because you... enjoy... not...liking things? "

"Yeah." The former writer says.

The younger man gawks. "...What does that mean?"

Eiri Uesugi gives him a hassled look over his shoulder. "Do you always ask so many goddamned questions brat?"

Not knowing what to say to that, Shuichi says nothing.

Now, he should leave.

"...One of my... friends... has a copy ...of your book. He...really likes it." Shuichi abruptly lies- as Fujisaki is no friend of his and given how much of a uppity tool Fujisaki appears to be, he doubts he'll ever be. He specifies the lie. " ...I mean ... your big best seller one."

But which other one could he be talking about? - Shuichi inwardly curses himself.

When the other man says nothing, Shuichi decides- in agony- to continue.

" ...You were only 16 years old when you wrote it . I... think that's pretty impressive- ...that you did that. Although... I didn't read your book myself..." Shuichi winces .

He feels as though he should explain why after saying that.

Although, it wouldn't make a difference.

It's for the same reason , Shuichi doesn't read in general.

There were other reasons too.

For example, Shuichi had always been suspicious- and somewhat put off by people who claimed (bragged) that they loved to read and the pompous excluding attitude that accompanied that past time. Those kinds of people toted around their books like it were a shield, an inside insult, or like they were flaunting a secret that they wouldn't let Shuichi in on.

Well, they could have their secret

Shuichi wasn't convinced.

Even when Shuichi had 'managed' to read , it had been difficult, boring, and unrewarding. A let-down. The people in the books didn't think like real people. They didn't talk like real people. (They spoke like they had a thersarus rammed down them.) They never said anything that mattered to him. The stories in them didn't feel real either.

It wasn't worth his time.

There were better and more fun things to do instead- like taking a walk, or playing video games, or reading comics- or even doing nothing. Doing nothing was less effort, less aggravating and cheaper. ( Why spend money on some unwieldly hardcover when you could go to the arcade or buy some CDS, games, snacks and sneakers?) And with comics, it was quick, and easy, the story could be just as good- if not better- and they had the added benefit of pictures to make it more interesting and reinforce whatever was going on. It was stupid-Shuichi thought- why read a long obtuse paragraph about 'the elegiac rustling of the melancholic trees', or the 'scant wistful grasses' and the ' tumbling of the transcendental stars "and other stuffy sleep- inducing nonsense, why try to entangle the confusing threads of narration where the characters and their actions and their environment drifted in and out of clarity like a off-kilter video with bad reception that wouldn't quite take, when you just could be shown a picture and immediately know what was meant? Furthermore, Shuichi didn't know what nambly pambly world these writers inhabited where the moon frolicked like a whimsical faun and tragic flowers wept drops of gossamer dew and where truth shone from people's eyes like a pyre on the sun, but he didn't want to be any part of that world. That kind of affected rhetorical snot made Shuichi want to gag, throw the book across the room. (Romances were particularly bad.)

And why read- when you could listen to music instead? With singing, at least there was the force and sound, a beat and rhythm and a human voice behind the words, giving them texture and a life. So much so, Shuichi didn't need to know the sung language to gleam something from it. The sound of the words were more important than their meaning. Infact, that was what gave them their meaning. Shuichi could listen to a Japanese song, or an Spanish song or an English song, and get the gist of it. The music's effect was immediate. Undeniable. A song could have a thousand more times of an emotional impact that a book had, and Shuichi didn' t have to spend hours pouring over it, to the exclusion of everything else around him. Unlike the contents of a book, Shuichi didn't have to analyze a song, anatomize it, and thereby belabour, maim and torture his enjoyment until it was non-existent. Music was self-explanatory, it was there and always there, spewing both in and out of him, vaulting him boundlessly into the fray of life, soaked in his marrow. Music was social- it connected him to others. Shuichi could go to a concert with a group of friends or rally and recruit a new gang of friends just by being fellow fans, or share his headphones with a date (if he ever had one) but Shuichi couldn't comfortably read or confidently discuss a book with someone. And music gave its audience the chance to participate, to applaud, to sing along or to get up and move and dance. No book had ever made Shuichi - or anybody- want to do that.

Words alone?

They weren't enough.

Not when there was so much else.

Hell. Even Shuichi's own words disgusted him.

"...I don't ...read much because-" Shuichi begins.

"Because you're an idiot?" Eiri Uesugi interupts him.

Scrutinized by those eyes, he feels no choice but to be honest. Especially in the midst of where he is.

"No... " Shuichi admits in a small voice, hands in pockets. " ...Because I have... dyslexia."

The man stares at him again, and cranes his head forward.

This time with a look of incredulity.

"I can still read - when I want- but it just takes me longer to get it... and it can be really hard...especially memorizing characters or processing a lot of... stuff. Or when I have to read aloud- or following... directions." Shuichi realizes he's babbling. He remembers how hard it was reading Eiri Uesugi's name off the box, and taking the right train to get to his address. Along with other memories Shuichi rather not recount; the disappointing marks , the scathing remarks of his teachers- one had called him ' a fount of restless and misguided energy' , the excruciating exams which further destroyed any love Shuichi might have had for formal education and further disengaged him from it, the tense and mortifying trips to all sorts of specialists, the tortuous after school sessions. "They also... diagnosed me with ADHD. For that reason, my grades weren't so good -"

"Will you _shut up."_ The man orders.

Shuichi does.

" Just _shut up_." Eiri Uesugi interupts him again, his nicotine stained fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't want ...to hear about your _learning_ problems."

The once-author flicks out a hand agitatedly " If you didn't read my book, then what is it...Why don't you ... say what you want to say to me."

" I already said why. I came here to apologize. " Shuichi points to the beer and the pack of menthols by Eiri Uesugi's chair. "And to give you that."

"...I don't accept it. " Eiri Uesugi says.

Shuichi's stomach flutters. "You don't accept what I brought you?"

The blonde man grunts. "No. I'll take the beer and the smokes. Not the apology. "

"...Why not?" Shuichi says dumbly.

" . I don't believe in apologies. " He says frankly. "Not in bullshit ones either."

"...I'm not ... _bullshitting_ you Mr. Uesugi. " Shuichi fists a hand through his hair. Flustered and frustrated himself. "I really _am_ sorry. That's why I came back -and bought you those things,so I could pay my respects...and apologize properly to your face."

"No." Eiri shoots back, a hooked finger on his temple, as if he's thinking hard or Shuichi's presence might be giving him a splintering head-ache. " ... No...because if you actually _were_ contrite, you wouldn't have come back. If you had any respect- for anything, you ...wouldn't ...have dared show your face and subject me to the sight of you. You would have gone and left well enough alone."

Shuichi cannot argue with that.

"And now you're here again- and once again, I can't get rid of you. And you didn't even bring me the _tall_ cans. And no lighter either. " Eiri Uesugi snarls with a hideous expression. "God,you're worthless. "

Shuichi then watches Eiri Uesugi in horrified amazement, at his slouched scare crow physique, his graceless and harried movements, his dirty tousled hair falling into his sleep-crusted mouth, as he tries to search and navigate the unmanageable space around him, looking around in the tight circumference about his armchair for a lighter.

As he does, he snatches his beer can to steal sips out of it. When he's not drinking it, the can tilts in one hand, dribbling slightly on whatever's on the floor, and soaking down his pant leg. He doesn't seem to notice or care about that .

Unable to find the desired object,Eiri leans down and reaches under the cushion of the arm chair to check for it there.

He immediately snatches his hand back like it were caught in a trap.

"Shit." The blonde man hisses and raises his tremulous hand to the light.

It apparent it is cut up, that he shredded his knuckles agianst something. Possibly on a metal gear in the chair's insides.

He lifts his fingers to his mouth, and sucks briefly at the wound, to draw the blood away.

"Damnit." The man hisses , his bleeding hand falling aside. " Damnit. It's gone."

Shuichi sees: Eiri Uesugi looks genuinely upset. Exhausted. In the spite of the clutter around him, bereft.

" Wait. " Shuichi interjects. "Let me ... help you look for one."

Shuichi then joins the search for a lighter.

He starts at his eye level, then stoops near to the floor where he is by the doorway, to one where one may have fallen.

From there, Shuichi looks up at the other man from one knee.

"Is there any place you usually ...keep them?" He asks.

The bearded man doesn't answer him, but he is staring down at him.

With that same strange taken-aback expression when Shuichi demanded that he come inside yesterday.

It occurs to Shuichi then that Eiri Uesugi might be afraid of him.

Which seems preposterous.

And the implications of it too disturbing- so Shuichi forces it aside.

He continues searching. Careful not to touch anything that looks too questionable.

"Found one." Shuichi says, surprised, when he does, like a miracle, find one.

It's a transparent orange tinted lighter, the generic kind they sell by the register of any drug store. The lighter is in an empty name-card box thats tucked into a corner which has some piled up bags, that also contains a light up key chain, several safety pins, a stick of gum, a inedible silicia gel pack, a dried up marker pen, a broken watch, a slip of paper that looks like a instruction manual for an air filter, and spare change in all different currencies. Why any of those things are there and why they are together, are unanswerable.

Shuichi tosses the found lighter to Eiri Uesugi.

With one hand,the man catches it perfectly.

"... I don't understand. " The blonde man finally says with a calmness that almost seems composed, if not for their chaotic surroundings. "...Why are you still here."

"Because I don't understand you." Shuichi answers honestly.

The other man stands there, lighter in wounded hand.

"...What's there to understand kid." Eiri Uesugi says hollowly.

" I mean...You once had everything." Shuichi begins in near awe. "...Fame, and money, and ...girls.." He repeats longingly . "Lots and lots of girls. "

He goes on. "...You even a chance to do something good for the world."

The writer's expression adjusts to that of disdain."Why do you think that."

"Why? Isn't it... obvious? A lot of people liked your novel. Millions of people wanted to listen to what _you_ had to say." Shuichi says wide-eyed. "...You sold a lot of books."

"So what." Eiri says.

" So what?! Thats ... means you're influential right? That means you _were_ somebody once." Shuichi says adamantly.

The author does not move.

Except for that darkness that settles into the planes of his face, and his mouth twitches, as if with hate.

"Alot of people would _kill_ for that opportunity- they'd give everything to know what that felt like- to count," Shuichi thinks about it; that frequent longing he had to be a different person, the ever persistent idea if he was, everything just might work out for him. "And with that fame, you had a real chance to affect things. You could have helped changed people's minds or given them some important insights or maybe they just wanted to read more books like yours. I'm pretty sure they did. You won a lot of awards for the one you wrote."

Eiri's shoulders cave further in on himself.

Then he drops, with a clunky thud into his armchair.

"...Yeah? Did they? Well, that's too bad. They can write their own fucking book then. With their very own precious moral insights, how about that." Eiri Uesugi sneers with hostility.

"..." Shuichi stands there.

"And they can shove those awards up their ass." The writer spits.

"...Then why did you do it? Why did you write the book? If you don't care about your readers or about saying anything meaningful, then what was it all for?" Shuichi says disapprovingly. " ...Just for money?"

Hearing that, the man attempts at a grin. With his yellowed teeth. A smile so unlike the boy on the book jacket. A gruesome smile, devoid of any light, charm, or happiness.

It quickly devolves into a scowling grimace.

"Yeah. " He leers. " Thats why I did it . All for money. I earned every dollar too."

Then he coughs. "Ugh."

"No other reason ? You don't think that reading a good book..." Shuichi changes the example to be more applicable to himself. " Or hearing ... a good song can change people?"

"Only the weak and the stupid. Sentimental suspectible idiots." Eiri Uesugi answers flatly.

Shuichi counters back. "I don't think that's true I know for a fact a good song... changed the way I looked at the world forever. Changed everything for me."

The other man eyes him. "Case in point."

" I'm not the only one who thinks that way." Shuichi snaps.

"Then you're wrong." Eiri says scornfully.

The younger man scoffs. "Then everybody in the whole world is wrong?"

Eiri Uesugi belches into his fist. "That's right."

Shuichi stares at him angrily.

He then remembers Hiro saying Eiri Uesugi renounced the awards people gave him.

That fact baffles him, and makes him angrier still.

"Even if you don't ... care about ..affecting people it or about the honors you got , with all that _money_ you made from your book, was a rare opportunity." Shuichi then claims, indignant and insistent. "A _privilege_ even."

The man says detachedly. "How so."

" Do I need to tell you?! I mean with all that cash, you could donated it to charity and helped people in need." Shuichi demands. "You could have done a lot of good things with it."

"Why would I." He says.

"...Why wouldn't you ?! " Shuichi says impassioned. Earnest. "...Who wouldn't if they could?! I mean doesn't everyone want to do good? To help others? Contribute in some way? Doesn't everybody want to do the best they can?"

Eiri only stares back at him witheringly.

"...At least...I like to think so." Shuichi mumbles.

The bearded man replies. "...You're naive then brat."

Shuichi can't argue with that either.

"...Thinking... that way will get you into trouble." The writer grumbles.

"Yeah... Maybe so. " Shuichi mutters under his breath. "But it's still better than being a miserable ... ugly jerk who looks a million."

The older man looks at him again.

"...What I mean to say... is that you once had everything. Everything that anyone would ever want. " Shuichi strains, louder this time. "So...why'd you give it up?"

Eiri pauses.

"You don't deserve an answer." The former author says bitterly. "But...it made me sick."

"...What... made you sick?" Shuichi asks slowly.

Eiri sneers. "...All of it. "

Shuichi frowns. "It made... you like this?"

"No. I made this." Eiri Uesugi pauses. He seemed to be contemplating the fact that he has made whatever he lives in, like he made that best-seller. He looked around the place as if this was the better accomplishment of the two. "I achieved this. This is mine."

Shuichi looks around them both again. "...And what is this?"

" This... is what everybody would ever want." Eiri says matter-of-factly. "A place all their own."

Shuichi is unable to help himself any longer. He gulps. "Pardon my saying this... but I don't see how you can live this way."

"Tell me." The older man packs his cigarettes by hitting the box in staccato beats. "...Why can't I."

"Because it's .." Why is so self-evident, Shuichi doesn't know if he should scream or laugh hysterically. "Unacceptable."

"I accept it. "The former writer states with complete resignation . "Why shouldn't you."

"But - how could you?! How could anybody ?! What _is_ all this... _crap_? " Shuichi chokes and flings his hands around them. "Why do you have all these papers and books, and other junk?! It can't be all for research!"

It's my collection. My archive." Eiri replies.

"Your collection of _what_?! Who are you archiving it for? And what is this?!" Shuichi gestures to his feet. "What am I even standing in?! "

Eiri's eyes flicks downwards at the ground.

" Fan letters I think." He says emotionlessly.

"...You keep all your fan-letters... on the _floor_?!" Shuichi snorts, eyes huge. "How can you sort though them? And all those people took the time and trouble to write nice things and you... just leave it on the ground and don't bother to pick them up?"

The man's eyes remain fixed on the ground.

"Some of it's hate-mail." He states.

Shuichi stomps on them. "Whatever it is, it shouldn't be there!"

Eiri grunts. "Don't have time to throw them away."

Outraged, the younger man barks. "And you don't have time to do anything else ethier?! Not to pick up after yourself, with all this mess and open food and dirty clothes and who knows what?! You can barely get around in this. Its unhygenic! It will attract vermin and germs and mold, and you can get really sick!"

The author looks blase from his arm chair.

Seeing that non-reaction , Shuichi takes a step back.

Terrified.

"And oh geeze... I mean ...you do realize there could be an accident at any moment, and all these boxes or whatever this is, could fall and crush you?! Or you realize if there was a... emergency, you might be trapped and you couldn't get out?!" Shuichi cries.

"Yes." The writer says plainly. "I'm aware of that."

"And that's just... okay with you..." Shuichi shakes. "You rather _die_ then get rid of .. these ...piles and piles of trash ?! "

The man says nothing. Hollow eyes staring ahead.

"Are you...serious?! What is WRONG with you? Why won't you answer me? Am I here talking to MYSELF?! " Shuichi shouts. " Are you that OUT of your mind?!"

When Eiri Uesugi maintains his silence, Shuichi places a hand over his mouth.

He says finally. Frightened and nauseated. "I... don't know what to say."

" I do. Alright kid. You had your fun. Your moment of judgement. " Eiri says listlessly. "Your permissible scene. But the show's over. So lets call it a day. You can leave,after you take your photos and sell them to the press... Enjoy your profits brat. Just make sure you and the vultures divide the spoils evenly. That ought to more than make up for the shitty job you lost or will have in the future."

Shuichi sputters. "This isn't ... fun! Not for me, or for anyone, and the only things I came with, I gave to you right now. I can show you I don't have anything on me!" He twists his pockets inside out. " Look. No camera . No recorder anywhere!"

For added proof, he takes off his jacket and shakes it out.

"See!" Shuichi explodes. "Nothing! And I wouldn't try and make... money off somebody who was dealing with this! This is more important than that! And I haven't told anyone about...what happened! Not the press! Not anyone I worked for- all that they know is that you wouldn't sign the form and now they don't care! Not my folks! The only two people who know about this are the two people here!"

Just then Shuichi remembers,with a visible flinch, that he's told Hiro about it just yesterday.

But that was just as good as not telling anyone...

Wasn't it?

Then again: Hiro was changing. He was different now.

Nonetheless,Hiro was still his friend.

Changes aside, Shuichi could still trust him.

...Could he?

" Listen. Maybe ... somehow...you don't realize it, but its not safe staying here Mr. Uesugi."Shuichi urges, ignoring that problem for the immediate one . "Its dangerous."

"Then go... get out. " The other man says tiredly. "I'd like that."

"I meant for you! _"_ Shuichi yelps. "For anyone!"

"Good thing it's not your problem."

"Yes. It is. It is my problem, because I've seen it. I can't pretend its not there or that it never happened, or ignore it! And it can be fixed!" Shuichi exclaims.

"Yeah but I wouldn't hold my breath." Eiri Uesugi mutters.

"I don't need to." Shuichi cries. "You can leave, or you can change!"

"Hate to break it to you kid." The man looks aside. " But people don't change."

"Yes they do. Everybody is changing all the time. I know you did." Shuichi blurts out, recalling the picture on the book jacket . "You changed alot. You were very different once. You looked happy then!"

Eiri only stares back expressionlessly.

"What I meant is- " Shuichi huffs. "Whatever it is: something needs to happen. And fast."

He stops to think.

"I know! My dad owns a janitorial management company that services a lot of places! " He cries, shocked that the idea occurred to him. " We could easily get a team of guys in here- and have this cleaned up within a couple days, and my best friend's dad.. he's a doctor- he can figure out what's wrong with you!"

"No." The former writer shakes his head. He suddenly look hopelessly put upon. "No. Don't want your help. Don't want anyone's help."

Shuichi pleads. "But if you feel... too sick and tired to clean up or get rid of anything, then you have to leave this behind. If you can't ...get rid of this and live on your own, there has to be another way."

"...There... isn't ... another way." The bearded man breathes heavily, as if it's hard for him to keep doing it.

" Yes there is. " Shuichi asserts. "There _has_ to be. Nothing is keeping you here. If you can't improve your suitation, you have to get up and start a new one! You can live somewhere else where ... someone like you can be taken care of. "

"...Like where?" The former author says hoarsely

Shuichi didn't want to say what immediately came to mind; which was a looney bin.

Knowing that would most likely be the best place for someone like him.

"...With your ...family maybe ?" He offers tenatively.

"I prefer it here." Eiri says.

"...Why?" Shuichi says mystified. "They ...must care about you."

After that, the blonde man takes a long gulp of his beer.

"Its not reciprocal." Eiri Uesugi crumples and throws the empty beer can across the room, adding to another indistinct pile of debris. " Doesn't matter. They're dead anyways."

Involuntarily Shuichi jolts. Struck and startled.

And also sad.

"...Your entire family is ... _dead_? " The younger man says in a pained voice." Do you...have anybody else?"

Eiri doesn't respond to that.

"So, what are you going to do now ?" After a moment, he says, still not looking at him. "Call my landlord?"

That thought never occured to Shuichi.

And now with Eiri Uesugi's disclosing that he has no ties, with a somber chill of gravity, Shuichi realizes there is no one else.

He is the only person who can or not do anything.

"No..." Shuichi pauses. Considering it. He decides to go with his gut. "...Not if you clean this up."

"...Try and make me." Eiri Uesugi grinds his teeth.

" Try and stop me. " Shuichi retorts resolutely.

"...That's coercive." Eiri says plainly.

Shuichi grits. 'Not if its for your own good, its not."

"I don't think you know what that word means." Eiri says. Oddly. "You've just committed a crime. You broke into my home." He raises two drooping fingers. "Twice now. "

"The door was open." Shuichi tries to argue, albeit uncertainly. "And I brought you... what I brought you."

"That wasn't a invitation." The man assesses him icily. "...You've an intruder. I should call the cops."

Shuichi crosses his arms. " Alright. Go ahead. Do that. But I'm not leaving. And if you push me out, I'll just come back and wait. And they'll see this."

"You'd let yourself get arrested?" Eiri says.

"If it results in this being dealt with, yeah! So call them!" Shuichi dares him. " Or I can spare you the trouble and call them for you myself!"

The man's gold eyes narrow at him."You really are stupid."

Shuichi doesn't disagree with him.

"You might not agree with what I'm doing-" Shuichi doesn't even fully agree with himself. " But it's still what good for you. You need to... talk to someone- who deals with your sort of... problem-"

"My problem lies with you ... you damned brat. You and... people like you. You're just like everybody else." Eiri mumbles. " You don't care ...about anybody but yourself. You just want to back me into a corner, to force me to do something you want."

"No _I don't_." Shuichi near growls. "So don't make me do anything _I_ don't want to do. I'm not a snitch Mr Uesugi. I don't want to tell on you or on anybody."

Eiri Uesugi says tensely. "Then what do you want."

"All I want is for you to live in some decent way." Shuichi throws up his hands, so he won't clasp them together in a posture of begging. "Why wouldn't you want that for yourself?"

"What would be the purpose."

"So you can continue to live. If you stay here, you might get... hurt, or something bad might happen to you, and I ...don't want to see that happen." Shuichi says simply.

"And what's it to you if it does. " The older man's hand rests on his forehead again. "Why do you care."

"You're another human being -thats why. " Shuichi swallows. " I don't need another reason other than that. I don't like to see ... people ... hurting. I don't want to see anybody... suffer. Especially if they don't have to."

Eiri says. "Thats just idiotic."

"Not only that, it's a load of horse shit. " He adds.

"But good luck to you kid." He grunts. "They'll have to carry me out of here."

"...What does that mean?" Shuichi asks, seized with a sense of crawling dread at that statement.

The former author then groans with a long- suffering expression . His eyes close and his hands dig into his armrests. "I already _told_ you what it means. It means: Leave me alone. Jesus Christ. Just leave me alone. That's all I want. Haven't...you gotten your thrills, haven't you seen enough? But like a bad memory, you just continue to come back and linger... Haven't I... given you what you wanted...I've given you the chance to gloat. To do ... what you would inevitably do. So you... now you go. Let me rot in peace for a while longer."

Suddenly, Shuichi feels ashamed of himself.

And also sympathetic.

"I'm... sorry." The younger man says subdued. "I know you ...must...hate me for being here. For seeing...this."

"I detested you from the moment I laid eyes on you." Eiri remarks, eyes still closed. "And if I saw you in some other place, in some other time and form of life, in all manners of worlds, you'd be just as loathsome to me."

He then crack opens his eyes tiredly. "Out of all the things in here, the worst thing I can see... the only real thing that needs to be removed immediately, _is_ you. You with your facile and feigned concern."

Shuichi says with a near shudder. "It's... not feigned Mr. Uesugi. "

"Oh its not?" Eiri opens the box of menthols, sliding a cigarette straight from the box to his mouth and lights it. "You don't think I can call it as I see it? I remember what you said at the door. Your crack about my _second book_. How you lashed out like a little bastard brat, all because I wouldn't take a _box_. " After a drag, he continues caustically"... I don't forget."

Shuichi then remembers what provoked that comment about never publishing the second book- that confused, blind desire to break down the writer. To hurt and hate Eiri Yuki or Eiri Uesugi, in all his ingratitude, in his gratuitous meanness , his freakish (inner and outer) ugliness.

In the wake of it, Shuichi feels even more anxious and ashamed.

"...I already said ...that I was sorry." Shuichi says at a complete loss, wanting to run out, to cover his face into his hands."... I only said that because... I was mad about ... my job-"

"You think that matters anymore? It started with the job. Then you refused to leave because I wouldn't accept your delivery. This time... you come here seeking absolution... and you refuse to leave because I won't accept your apology. And why should I. Not when the real reason that you've come to see me is out of... morbid curiosity. And to _pay your respects_ \- like I'm already dead." The older man says unsmiling, hard and grim. "...Or did ... you come to see the _Golden Boy_ ?

Hearing Eiri Uesugi say that phrase out of his own mouth, Shuichi straightens his stance.

" But I don't know...I don't know...why you're here. I ...don't understand you either. Other than what already obvious, that you're a ridiculous and clumsy, childish fool. A raging impulsive and muddled ...brat..." The older man says with that same disturbed and accusatory glare. "I don't know what... your point is. And why do you keep _showing up._ All the goddamn time. "

"Why won't you leave me alone." The writer pants. "And... why do you look at me ...like that... with those eyes...?"

Shuichi cannot reply.

He doesn't know how he is looking at him.

"And more importantly... I don't care. There are things ... that don't matter... that just come up to aggravate one occasionally...and you're one of those things .Or maybe you're just like the rest of them. Making your assumptions. Taking whatever you can get from me. But you haven't any idea. What it takes." Eiri articulates , his face growing more haggard and horrible,cigarette locked and burning between two fingers. " What does it matter ... what you think ? You probably never had a thought of import in your life...You condescending menial job moron. You petty disingenuous prick. You don't understand anything . You think you can ... posture in front of me... and intrude on my privacy, and deign to preach and presume how to sort my business... because you got nothing better to do with your time- but what do you know? ...You. What do you have? You might as well... not exist. Your life will pass you by, and it wouldn't have mattered. Even with your... insignificant bit of leverage... you aren't worth... a damn. So anything that reminds me of your presence, I don't _want_ here. The very thought of you revolts me."

The writer takes an blustery inhale of his cigarette with shaky fingers.

"Yeah, But ...I was like you once. I didn't know anything ethier. But at least... I learned quickly. How I learned. And no matter what you do- I was _something once._ Unlike you. Yeah. Once. Once I was the Golden boy. "Eiri then seethes, trembling more and more in his seat, in a low building voice. " That's more ...than a lot of people can say about themselves. I... just peaked too early they said.- just had one book in me they said, that I _lost_ the creative spark- "

He suddenly caves in on himself and and hacks wretchedly, coughing and coughing up smoke, like he's trying to cough out his insides, cough out all the air in the room.

As he does; his cigarette drops out of his hand.

Right on to opportune pile of paper on the ground. Under him and his chair.

Shuichi cries out as he spots it, as it start to catch light.

" Mr. Uesugi. No-"


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you you readers out there for your willingness to continue to read and follow this wierd-ass story. I really love you for it. And because I love you so much, I wanted to punish you by updating more frequently in shorter chapters... I hope you enjoy it and are having a great day and this adds to it in some way. Trigger warning include: Family tension, allusion to parent striking a child, homophobic remarks

And a response to my review:

Kateriarellano2: Thank you for reviewing again! So nice to hear from you! I love and am grateful for your excitement and encouragement. And I hope the drama can continue for you in a thrilling way...

* * *

" - no!"

Shuichi runs over, faster than he has ever moved.

He grabs Eiri Uesugi out of the chair by whatever he can grab. Throwing back all his body weight back to pull him up.

Having pulled him up, Shuichi pushes Eiri aside. Out of harm's way.

And with a bound, Shuichi stomps out the fledging fire on the lit pile of papers on the floor

During this, many other things happened. Many minute processes like trees growing and cells replicating, plants dying, flowers were pollinated. But such feats also happen over long periods. In the same way that mountains form and erode. How land is formed and separates . How tectonic plates shift over hundreds and thousands of years. As all that happened, the earth continued to orbit the sun. All these events stemmed from other collective processes that transpired long ago, long preceding the arrival of mankind or the phenomena of human thought. The planets forming. The beginning of matter itself. The galaxies and universe created and ever-expanding, although nobody knows how and probably no one ever will for sure.

But for a instant, nothing matters to Shuichi except getting that fire out.

When the fire is finally completely dead, vanquished into ashes and stamped out into oblivion under his sneakers, with not so much of an surviving ember , Shuichi twists around.

Straight into the other man's chest.

Given the lack of space, it is inevitable.

Shuichi realizes he's still clutching onto Eiri Uesugi's windbreaker's sleeve by one hand. He has been the whole time, for footing as he stomped the fire out.

Now losing his balance, his other hand instinctively grabs his sludge grey sweat shirt to avoid falling over .

Pulled in and grabbed, Eiri vaults forward, towards him.

They are now chest to chest.

They'd be nose to nose if one of them wasn't taller.

Unsteady on his feet, Shuichi is clinging to him, breathing hard into Eiri Uesugi's neck and chest. He sees the other man's mouth, its skin peeling off in tiny flakes on his lips, its small lines, the hairs above it. His mouth is tightly closed. He can feel all the countours of the other man's body agianst his **…** all angles, planes, and thin muscle. Tense agianst him. Shuichi can feel everything … Eiri's Uesugi' s hair, his skin, the rise and fall of his ribs, his breath, his bones, all his parts- like a shock, even (embarrassingly enough), his private parts pressed against him through his jeans, and his heart racing, like his own heart. Eiri's Uesugi body is …hot, almost burning and bracingly warm. It would be common sense that another's living person's body would be warm, but its not often that Shuichi find himself this close to another person, male or female. And they are close. So close. He can even smell the older man- a strong dark thick scent, a smell that might seep into his own clothing, and the specifics of his scent, like diesel, menthols, mothballs, the rank perspiration wafting from him in waves.

Shuichi then gazes up, into his eyes.

Eiri is looking straight down at him.

Shuichi lets go of him and steps back.

"...You... alright sir?" He stammers.

Eiri doesn't say anything. He continues to look at Shuichi strangely as if he doesn't recognize him, or ever encountered him before.

Shuichi looks over and around him.

Seeing what he's looking for, Shuichi reaches around, to his chair, for the orange lighter on the arm rest.

"...I'm ...I'm taking the lighter with me." Shuichi gulps. "...So that won't- happen again. So you have to - smoke..do it outside in the f-future."

Eiri doesn't say anything . Doesn't try to stop him. He watches Shuichi take the lighter, with that same inscrutable expression, hands open by his sides.

Too overwhelmed by that and by everything else that has just transpired, Shuichi starts to back up and away

"Since you don't have anybody ...else... I'll come back to see you... soon. " Shuichi hears himself say as he does. Shivering with adrenalin. "T-To check on you ... and... I'll bring you more things, okay?"

The older man still says nothing.

By the door, Shuichi snatches up the broken tortoise-shell spectacles off the floor and shoves them in his pocket.

" And my name's Shuichi Shindou." Shuichi says, behind himself, still shivering. "Not brat."

With Eiri Uesugi still standing there, Shuichi slams the door closed behind him.

* * *

On the ride home, Shuichi sits.

Usually he stands on the train, to let elders or other people sit instead. He would do the same this time , but he doesn't feel he can stand properly.

Its as if something in him is whirling. It nearly feels like a form of nausea, but it isn't.

He is numb. Dazed. His body is rattled, swayed by the movement of the train. He watches countless people get on and get off.

He saved a man's life today.

He thinks back to grabbing for Eiri Uesugi, pulling him out of the chair. Stomping out that fire. His body close to his.

The incident may have lasted all but... 5 seconds maybe.

It's by far the most significant seconds, the most important actions he's ever done in his (relatively) short life.

Although Shuichi did it unthinkingly. In a near panic. Did it almost like an accident or like a sneeze. While he had never done anything like that before, it had by no means been any act of deliberate and glorious heroism. And if Shuichi hadn't found that lighter and hadn't given it to him, Eiri Uesugi wouldn't have been endangered in the frist place. He cannot give credit to himself.

Shuichi also told Eiri that he would come back to see him.

Is that doing the right thing?

Is there a right thing to do?

Shuichi cradles Eiri Uesugi's broken glasses in his palm.

These pair of glasses seem to weigh more than any box Shuichi has ever carried, then the entirety of his whole life's history.

Frowning at the glasses,Shuichi would never think himself as the most self -aware of persons, but he is aware that something- .. very profound has just happened to him. It is completely utterly unique and secret, unlike anything he has ever experienced. It feels almost inwardly oblierating in its magnitude. He cannot even begin to describe it. Or maybe there are no words for it.

Shuichi doesn't know what it is yet.

* * *

That night, too tired to think of an excuse or a place to go, Shuichi decides to stay in.

He's beginning to regret that decision.

"You seem quiet." His mother says to him across the table as they eat dinner together. "You barely touched your food Shuichi."

"Huh. Oh... Sorry." Shuichi says.

His mother and father glance at him. Then at eachother.

As if in unison, they all continue to eat and not speak to eachother.

"How was work." His mother asks Shuichi.

"Fine." Shuichi lies. Tying to sound normal.

"How is your friend Hiro. The one in school." His mother asks again "How is he liking it?"

"He's doing well. " Shuichi mutters. "...Probably."

He knows that they wish someone like Hiro was their son. But they got him instead.

His mother says. "You seem very subdued Shuichi."

"I'm just.. tired." Shuichi says, his thoughts elsewhere.

He's thinking about Hiro. Whether or not he can trust him. And if he can't trust Hiro, what will happen? Who can he trust?

They continue to eat in silence.

After a time, Shuichi cannot bear the silence or his own thoughts any longer.

"...Have you ever heard of... " Shuichi hesitates before he's about to say it. Not Eiri Uesugi. Not Mr. Uesugi as he calls him. What everyone else calls him, and knows him as. That fake name of his. "Eiri ...Yuki."

Shuichi should either not mention Eiri Yuki ever again- but its too late for that- or mention him to anybody. It seems the only way. He wants to diffuse this feeling he is barely containing, like someone might defuse a bomb or how he stamped out that fire that afternoon. Telling other people that the other man exists will somehow lessen it, dilute it. Make whatever it is... mundane, like its nothing. Like it's just dinner conversation.

But Shuichi's heart swells and slams within him dizzingly, his breath catches and his insides tremor, and his eyes want to do something- its a feeling not like crying but very close to, when he says that name. Even thinking it. Eiri Yuki. Eiri Uesugi. The Golden boy. Not the golden boy anymore.

Shuichi can even see his fingers twitch a little infront of him, as if with electricity.

"Thats an odd thing to mention. " His mother says, looking a little confounded. " But ...no. That name doesn't ring a bell"

Shuichi's father glances up at her.

"Oh wait..yes. I have heard it somewhere. I remember." His mother murmurs back. " Didn't that Eiri Yuki... write some book several years ago? It was a big hit with the young people."

"Right." Shuichi's father says, and fixates on his plate. "Funny looking fellow, wasn't he."

Shuichi stares at them both.

"He's not _that_ funny looking. " Shuichi suddenly erupts.

"What." His father says.

"Nothing." Shuichi drops his fork with a clang and pushes back his chair. "I ... lost my appetitie."

"Why Shuichi?" His mother says , startled." Do you feel ill?"

"Yeah. Now I do." Shuichi snaps.

They stare at him.

"I lost my job." He announces.

"Oh my God." His mother cries. " Oh Shuichi, what happened?"

His father snarls. "How could you."

"I made a mistake...that's what happened. Like I always do. Because I'm a screw up." Shuichi stands from the table.

Then he bows once, to both of them.

"Goodnight." Shuichi says.

Then he rushes out of the room.

* * *

It is right in the middle of Shuichi thinking that Eiri Uesugi doesn't have a family.

Shuichi reflects: Does it mean he should be grateful for the one he has, or wonders what it'd be like not to have one?

Right then, his father stomps in.

"What was that performance Shuichi?! " His father demands, barging into his thoughts and into his bed room.

Shuichi looks at his father. His red- faced, barrel chested, balding father. In his appearance, Shuichi more resembles his mother- but his mother says that Shuichi and his father are alike in their 'temper'. But Shuichi doesn't like that thought, that he and his father are in any way alike .

And if I ever go bald, Shuichi thinks, I'd want to kill myself.

"It wasn't amusing, storming off in the middle of dinner that your mother cooked- and making that kind of announcement ! But thats not the only thing you've done - with your discourteous and sullen behavior lately, going to your room and spending hours there- and doing what?! You live under this roof and it's not too much to expect a certain level of respect and productivity! And now you report to us that you lost another JOB?!" His father rampages. Even his bald head is red.

Please leave. Shuichi silently prays. Leave, so I don't have to talk to you anymore or withstand this.

But Shuichi is already lying on the bed like a sacrificial victim awaiting judgment. He's long been desensitized to his father's tirades. Its been a drama that been renacted many times before, over many different subjects. As long as he can remember.

This time though, it might be worse.

And after what he's been through today, Shuichi cannot tolerate it.

Unable to help himself, Shuichi puts a pillow over his own face.

"Will you take that pillow off your face, unless you want me to smother you with it!?" His father snatches the pillow off and throws it across the room.

"You're acting like a someone half your age. I might expected this insolence from a 10 year old. But at 20?! Where is this coming from?! Is it because you're resentful at me?!" His Dad demands down at him. "Is that it?"

"No. I'm not mad at you Dad. " Shuichi stares past his father, up at the ceiling. "I'm not mad at anyone ."

"Good. You don't have any grounds to be angry- except at yourself. You keep coasting from job to job, losing them as soon as you find them, and eventually you won't be able find one at all! What are you thinking? This hasn't happened just once Shuichi! Its a consistent pattern. Its not unjust, or too much to ask of you, to tell you to mature and take stock of yourself and have a better attitude! So I keep asking you: what do you want to do with yourself? What are your goals? How are you taking steps to achieve those goals? " His father swaggers around his room furiously.

"...I wanted to sing in Bad Luck." Shuichi says.

"That was it? That was what you wanted to achieve with your life? You wanted to sing ... in a pop group ...named Bad Luck?" His father scoffs. " You better reassess then boy."

Shuichi near flinches.

He hates it .

Hates it when his father calls him 'boy.'

"What, did you think you could actually succeed? What that you'd hit it big, and sell millions of records and be some sort of famous... pop star?" His father barks.

"..." Shuichi says.

" Even your friend Hiro realized it was ludicrous, ludicrous like this ...embarassing get up you're in! Dying your hair... pink like some kind of fruit or street punk, or a birthday clown! And you wonder why no decent employer will hire you or sees you as a valuable contributor! You look like a laughing stock! Who could take you seriously like this? But do you think by making yourself look like a walking joke that you're like one of these pop idols?! " His father points to the band posters on his wall. "Why do you want to imitate like these people? Or are you living in a dream-world? They're not to be looked up to Shuichi! They're...pratically cartoons who do nothing but act absurd and make a racket!"

His father grabs and rips a poster off Shuichi's wall with an loud audible tear. One of his favorite ones.

Its the one of Ryuichi Sakuma of Nittle Grasper winking at the camera and his stuffed rabbit Kumagoro balanced jauntily on his shoulder. Due to his father's rough removal, the rabbit and pop star are now dismembered and beheaded .

Shuichi nearly cringes at the violence - and the violation of the gesture. He watches the poster fall. Silently. Ripped, abandoned and dejected to the ground.

His father then points straight at him. "We are having a serious conversation. You stand and get up."

Shuichi does.

Grimacing, he gets off the bed and stands.

"All that is waste of your time." His father clucks. "You have _wasted_ your own time. The last two years really. Your mother and I have been pretty tolerant of all your antics so far, thinking you'd grow out of them, and get it out of your system, and start to take life more seriously, but this... this is the final straw. You're not a teenager anymore and you're not a kid. And how do you honor that? You lose a job! After three days!"

'I actually lost it on the frist day' Shuichi wants to tell him defiantly.

But he won't bother to tell his father that now.

His father might really lose it then.

Maybe even smack him. Even though he's an adult.

Although it isn't fair- his father has only raised a hand to him a few times. ( His father is no monster.) And Shuichi doesn't even necessarily blame his father- knowing what a troublesome and annoying child he had been at times, how frustrating raising him could be.

But because it had been so rare , Shuichi can remember each and every incident of it very clearly.

It had not so much been physically painful- it had hardly hurt- but it had made Shuichi feel pathetic, been demeaning and humiliating . Each time his Father swiped or gave him a slap to the face or a knock upside the head. A few clumsy clubbing over his back wth his fists. Batting him over the head and shoulders repeatedly with a rolled up newspaper or once with his school-binder and his comic books. Twisting his arm. Pinching his ear or the side of his face. Shuichi doesn't want that to be repeated.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Shuichi can still feel it

When Shuichi (reluctantly) tunes back in , his father is shouting . "Enough is enough. The time for child's play is over! Its time to apply yourself to something substantive!"

He boasts, hands on his hips. "When I was your age, I was working _two_ jobs! And I started from the bottom up. Nobody j _ust_ handed things to me. My parents couldn't bail me out, or let me fool around, and I have them to thank for it! I can tell you from experience, struggle and advestity builds a man's character! And at your age, I paid rent too!"

Shuichi only hears the last part.

"...You want me to pay... _rent_?" Shuichi says horrified.

"I'm surprised you haven't offered to do it yourself already! You should have at 18! But I think it would help you to have some skin in the game. And your mother agrees with me at this point." His father crosses his arms.

Ofcourse she does. Shuichi thinks angrily. She agrees with you on everything.

" And I don't know if we can continue to support you indefinitely . And I don't know what else to do to encourage you to push yourself and work harder. Or at least keep a job!" His father continues.

Shuichi breathes deeply, and steels himself for the rest of The Lecture. The Lecture he hears in one way, shape of form or another, at least once a day (when he's at home long enough to hear it ).

"Thats why I wanted to test you Shuichi. I gave you those more... undesirable jobs when you worked for me to make you realize you have to _try hard_ and persevere for what you want in life. And you failed that minor test and I - I was very disappointed." His father says gravely . "Ofcourse, you can work for me, but I still expect you to work hard and prove yourself just like any other employee. Its a disservice to you, if I don't. I'm just trying to prepare you for the real world which is much tougher and harder then this. If I haven't done that, I've failed as your father. So far your mother and I have done our job as parents. We've sacrificed. We sent you to a _private_ school at great personal expense, so you could have better opportunities then we did, and have every chance available for success, but time and time again, _you_ wasted it"

Shuichi looks up at his father sadly.

Seeing this, his father clears his throat. "Yes... we understand... that you have some... innate difficulties... Your mother and I... have... tried to be understanding as we could about that. But we all face challenges in life and we all have to buck up and make the best of it. But you didn't try Shuichi."

No you don't understand. Shuichi wants to yell. You don't understand at all!

"I _did_ try Dad." Shuichi says, his face falling into his hands . "I really ... did try my best."

"No Shuichi. Instead of investing realistically and planning for your future, whatever concentration and energy you had, whatever potential you possessed, you squandered towards some dopey teenage pipe-pop dream. " Shuichi's father says dourly. "Or maybe its just the times. Your generation are all entitled fantasists. You kids don't appreciate what you have, too busy chasing some... make believe lifestyle. All you do is think is yourselves - and that pop culture rot. You don't have a sense of responsibility , or direction, or stick-to-it-tiveness! But you're at the point of your life: where your decisions start to affect the course of the rest of it, and if you continue on this path, it leads to nowhere. Is that what you want? "

"...I just want to be happy." Shuichi says honestly.

His father looks at him.

He looks almost miffed at that answer.

"A happy person is a productive person." His father says finally. "You can't be happy living this way or you shouldn't be son. We're certainly not happy with it. At this rate, you're going to give is both heart attacks and send us both to an early grave. Is that what you want? Would t _hat_ make you happy? I'm starting to think so! Can you at least not think of us, your poor old parents? Do you want us to both be working into our nineties?! Don't you have any pride in yourself? Don't you want to achieve? Think: what do you have to _better_ yourself or at least _keep_ yourself? You can't rely on your mother and I forever and you shouldn't want to. What do you have to offer?"

Shuichi wants to say : I don't know yet. Don't you think I wish I did?!

Instead Shuichi blurts out. "Eiri Yuki wrote a book at 16 years old and it sold millions of copies around the world."

Then he says, softer. " And now...nobody... cares about him."

His father stares at him, mouth ajar. Brows knit together. Perplexed.

"...What does that have to do with anything?" His father asks suspiciously. "Why do you keep bringing this... _Eiri Yuki_ person up?"

"No reason. " Shuichi says. "But if makes you think doesn't it."

" No. " His father grits. "It doesn't make me think at all because Eiri Yuki isn't my son."

Shuichi swallows. "I sometimes wonder if I am."

His father then sighs angrily, a hand on the back of his neck. "...Sometimes I wonder that myself."

Both father and son regard eachother.

"... But I'm exhausted. " His father then runs a hand over his face. "This ... is just too exhausting for me. I'm going to watch television or go to bed ... Let your mother deal with this."

His father turns to go.

Shuichi says. "Dad."

His father turns around.

"...I'm sorry I let you down... and I'm sorry that I'm not the son you wanted." Shuichi says quietly, his head bowed. "...Good night Dad."

"Good night boy." His father grunts. " I want you to think about what you've done and if you can't- just go to sleep."

His father takes one last look at Shuichi before he leaves, and shakes his head and clicks hs tongue once in disgust.

Then he turns off the light and slams the door behind him.

In the pitch blackness Shuichi stands there, head still bowed.

* * *

Shuichi doesn't sleep at all that night.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you for your support readers. I keep wondering :haven't you had enough yet? Haha! Sorry about the late update. I tried to make it up to you by making the chapter longer. If you enjoy it, tell me so. If not, you can tell me that too. Trigger warning includes: sexism,homophobia , discussion of mental illness, combative suitations

And to my one dear reviewer:

bakayaro onna- Thank you baby. You're the amazing one. I feel endearments and praise towards you are in high order now, as I feel continually unworthy of yours. I love and adore your delicious reviews , it has always thrilled and heartened me to get them, both now and in the past... And you're such a gorgeous writer, even your reviews are beautiful to read. Anyone who is graced with a review by you should consider themselves lucky! I do. I am so appreciative of your thoughts and support, especially on a fic like this... I often think boxes are meant.. to be leapt from? Haha! Or busted open! Or maybe that's just my own misdirected authorial aim. And I do try (for better or worse) to take risks , to write fics that present the characters in a different light, and have an immediacy and a raw real quality that can hopefully can grab a reader in and keep them grabbed, and engaged. I really hope this chapter does that for you and that I might get to hear your thoughts on it or the story in the future !

* * *

In morning, his poster of Ryuichi Sakuma is still lying in near shreds on the ground.

Instead of picking the poster up and repairing it, Shuichi leaves it where it is.

* * *

Later that morning Shuichi searches through their family's medicine cabinet.

He grabs various sundries, and stuffs them into his hoodie's front pocket. Eiri's broken glasses already in it.

"Shuichi...What are you doing in there? I need to use the bathroom." His mother complains behind the door.

Shuichi panics. " Nothing- mom... I'm almost done...!"

As he does, the door start to crack open.

Why didn't he lock it he wonders-

"And why is the medicine cabinet open?" His mother caws.

"Nothing-!" Shuichi scrambles to put the things he's collected in his back pocket. "I just- needed to ...clean up some things."

"There's no reason to." His mother tells him irritably as the door opens. "Everything is already organized Shuichi."

"Right." He nods hurriedly and closes the cabinet. "My mistake."

Shuichi's mother frowns at him. "...Is there something the matter?"

"No mom. I'm okay." Shuichi smiles falsely, a box of dental floss still hidden in his fist behind his back. "I'm ...fine."

His mother continues to frown at him.

Shuichi slides away from her. He hastens himself to escape, before she can say anything more. "Well... I'll let you use the bathroom then."

"Shuichi. " She says . "May I ask you something."

Shuichi reluctantly turns around.

"Why did you ... mention that ...Eiri Yuki man last night?" His mother asks.

"...Why... do you ask Mom?" Shuichi says hesitantly.

"I ask because talking about him seemed to... bring about... something in you. Something I haven't ... seen before... " His mother looks slightly distressed. "...You even _look_ different. "

Shuichi stares at her.

"Sorry ...Mom. I got to go- I think I got a lead on a... another job already." Shuichi manages to gulp, and rushes away. "I got to leave. Bye-"

Before his mother can ask him anything else, Shuichi is gone.

* * *

At the closest optical shop, Shuichi slams Eiri Uesugi's broken glasses (and both palms) on the counter.

"Can you fix these?" Shuichi demands.

Behind the counter, the clerk glances at the glasses, then up at him.

"No." The clerk says tersely.

Shuichi then stares at the broken glasses in despair.

He has some birthday money left, but how will that be enough?

How will he be able to afford brand new glasses?

"Alright." With a sigh of dread, Shuichi reaches into his pocket. "How much... will new ones cost then?"

The clerk picks them up and examines them.

"Not much. " The clerk mutters. " These are just cheap readers."

Shuichi blinks.

" You mean... they're... just for reading?" Shuichi gawks and points to his own eyes. " Not for... seeing?"

"Yes. " The shop man says bitingly at Shuichi. "...That's why they're called readers."

Pushing past his confusion, Shuichi says. "...I'll buy a new pair of ...readers then."

" We have a selection over there. Unless you want a similar pair." The shop man states.

Shuichi curls his lips at the ugly glasses.

"No." He says decisively.

He chooses thin wire readers without frames.

* * *

Later Shuichi take the train out with the new readers he's chosen.

* * *

This time, he runs down the hall, to get to Eiri Uesugi's door.

When he arrives, he hammers on the door with two fists.

"Mr. Uesugi. It's me! Shuichi Shindou!" He calls out, out of breath. "I came back! Just like I said I would!"

He hears nothing from the other side.

"Are you there?!" Shuichi pants. He bangs at the door once, hard, again." Will you say ... something. Or just... cough even?"

He adds lamely. " I just want to check if you're alive... "

Still no answer.

"Fine... Maybe you don't want to say anything- or don't feel like it. Then... can I talk to you?" Shuichi sighs and leans agianst the wall, next to the door. "...I don't have anyone who cares to listen."

Still nothing.

Exhausted (from strain and lack of sleep), Shuichi then slides, and slumps down and sits cross legged on the floor.

Ignoring the fact that the concrete floor is dirty, and that its a odd thing to do.

But Shuichi's life has taken a stranger and stranger turn lately.

He mumbles."...I wasn't always a unemployed bum, you know."

"I had a plan. A purpose. Or... there was something I wanted to do with myself. I wanted to start something... I mean start a group." Shuichi clarifies. "And I did... I called it Bad Luck."

Once again, no reply.

"We even made a mix tape." Shuichi continues. " We called it "Take your chances with Bad Luck..."

The younger man sniffs. "Now that I think about it... it was a pretty lame title."

He goes on. "My best friend and I 'd sing on the streets, sing at the bars and clubs... Even back in highschool when we were too young to get in. We'd go anywhere they'd take us. We tried out, even tried to get managers, we just kept getting nowhere or cheated. So we'd think we'd need to change it up and try and get a third member to mix up our sound, but... then they were bad, or wierd, or wouldn't get along with us or quit. Over and over we tried , tried to start over, and experiment with our sound and image, but we didn't get anywhere. I guess we lived up to our namesake. The name Bad Luck that is. "

Shuichi relates, trying a smile that falls flat. "Funny thing was... it wasn't supposed to be our name. We kept changing names, trying to find something that might push us forward or catch on. Until we just kidded that we should just call ourselves Bad Luck because our luck was always so bad- and the name stuck."

"Even funnier... I thought we were ...pretty good. Better then most bands that make it anyways. Not as good as a band like Nittle Grasper, but who is? I thought my voice was ... solid and was getting better. I always got a high score in karoke." Shuichi tries to joke. "Nobody ever threw bottles at my head anyways."

No response.

"You're supposed to develop a thick skin. But being ignored, and rejected so much, kind of breaks you down." Shuichi admits . "And my best friend- who's ... smart and has a lot of options, said he couldn't afford to do the band anymore, told me that he had to do something legit. He's planning to become a doctor probably. And he changed . Doesn't look or act the same at all. I don't even know what happened to his guitar that he used to carry around everywhere, and saved up for so long to buy . Maybe he sold it, or he gave it away...Sad."

"And I realized I didn't want to do Bad Luck without him, or maybe ... I just ran out of steam. And now he's dating this ...girl now. Hanging out with his way smarter school pals. He doesn't have much time for me. And everything I had tried for the last few years ... all that hard work, and all this killing myself, all that effort, and belief I had feels ... like it was for nothing, like a waste. Like I said, it wasn't like I had much look forward to in other areas . I wasn't very good at school, I got lousy grades- but I always hated school. And before, during the summers, I would have lousy jobs too, that I didn't like." Shuichi bows his head.

"So I have to give up this dream... and do something _real_ with my life now. But... I didn't have anything else but that. I don't know what ...real life is... I don't know...what to do with myself. There's not anything else I like to do but sing. But I can't make a living off that, can I ? " Shuichi's voice becomes hoarse. "But it... was more than that... It wasn't about just... scraping by..."

There is a long pause when Shuichi decides whether or not to tell Eiri Uesugi this.

He decides it doesn't matter.

"This may sound strange , but I felt almost... destined for something. Like I had this... tiny ...window of time ...when I had the chance... to be something amazing. That I could do something really... great or really just...get on the scene, and even... offer something _new_ to everyone, or even change the world- and I was- so... close... I was ...almost there- but somehow.. the right person was never there to see it- or just... something else ...got in my way or I was just a moment too soon, or too late. And now... that tiny window is ... gone. That chance... passed me by. I missed it or it was taken away somehow. And now I'll never be able to get it back. " Shuichi's voice trembles. " And you ... can't get things like that back. Can you?"

" And I keep thinking... " Shuichi says, face falling in his knees. "...Was I wrong all along?"

" Now is like I'm just... drifting... Without a purpose. But its not like I feel good or happy this way. Not at all. I do want to do... something worthy , or try to, if I can." Shuichi sighs.

Still silence.

"...I got into my fight with my Dad last night about it. It wasn't the frist time... we fight a lot. But this time... in a round about way, he said I wasn't his son." Shuichi says face still in his knees."...I don't know what was worse. That he said it, or that I sorta agree with it."

Shuichi finally asks dismally. "...Are you listening to me?"

Losing all hope, Shuichi empties his pockets of all the sundries he stole from his family's medicine cabinet into the plastic bag with the new readers on the ground next to him, and stands.

"I ought to go... but I'll leave you some things you might need by the door. Some bandaids, and disinfectant for your messed up hand - vitamins, a toothbrush, stuff like that. Including a pair of glasses to replace the ones I broke. You can take them or leave them." Shuichi adds softly. "Thanks for listening."

As he walks away, almost like his imagination, he hears the door open a crack.

Shuichi stops.

He can see a glimpse of Eiri Uesugi's blonde hair, his pallid features, his windbreaker in the doorway.

Eiri Uesugi is staring right at him again.

Shuichi can even feel the writer's eyes like a shudder . A tangible touch.

Seeing that he sees him, Eiri begins to close the door.

"No-" Shuichi stammers.

He darts forward.

He shoves his hand in to keep the door from closing.

Not even considering that his hand might be crushed.

Just in the knick of time, Eiri stops the door from closing on Shuichi's fingers

"Don't be... frightened Mr Uesugi! " Shuichi exclaims. "I won't... come in again, unless you want me to!"

The other man stares at him, with that same strange and haunting expression from yesterday.

" ...Sorry. I just wanted to see if you were alright..." Shuichi swallows, as if to explain himself .

Eiri Uesugi remains silent. Regarding him warily.

Shuichi says in realization."...You were just checking to make sure I was leaving, weren't you?"

Eiri Uesugi doesn't say anything to that either.

The door with a creak, closes slightly more, resting lightly on Shuichi's hand like a warning.

"I'll check on you again later...I promise you. " Shuichi tells the other man quietly. "And I promise your... secret is safe with me."

With Eiri's gold eyes flickering on his, Shuichi slides his hand fully out of the door.

The man stares at him unwaveringly for a moment longer.

Then Eiri closes the door shut.

* * *

On the way back , at the train station Shuichi gets a call on his cell.

"Hello?"

"Shuichi? It's Hiro." He faintly hears Hiro's voice echo fuzzily through the line. The reception around the station is spotty. "Got a moment?

"Yeah. Hiro. " Shuichi covers one ear to hear him better. "You there?"

"Yeah Shuichi...How you doing?" Hiro says through the static.

"Hey Hiro." Shuichi grimaces. " I'm... alright... how have you been?"

"Not bad... but yeah... I've been wanting to talk to you... Do you have some time. Around three?"

"Yeah I do."

"...Great man...Can you come to my campus? I'll meet you on the quad."

Before Shuichi can assent, Hiro has hung up.

* * *

This time when Shuichi meets Hiro at his campus quad, he is by himself.

Hiro looks worn out. Bags under his almost closed eyes, his posture slumped forward on the bench he's sitting on at the edge of the lawn.

"You look horrible." Shuichi assesses his friend.

But that might be said generally of Hiro nowadays.

His hair being back to a conservative length and dyed back to its natural dark color, and Hiro is wearing a tweed jacket with leather elbows, a collared shirt, and plaid pants.

Before Hiro looked like himself.

Now Hiro looks like a accountant. Or somebody's father.

"So do you." Hiro says wearily. "Rough night?"

"Yeah." Shuichi admits. He slumps besides him on the bench.

"Yeah. For me me too. Was up all night. Well." Hiro grins with tired triumph. " Or Ayaka kept me up all night. "

"Oh." Shuichi says, half -heartedly. "Nice."

"If only... Check this out." Hiro gestures for him to lean in.

He gingerly pulls down his shirt collar.

There is an maroon and blackened hickey about the size of a tennis ball on Hiro's neck.

" ...Holy crap! She _did_ that to you?! Shuichi gapes . "...Should I call the police?"

Hiro shakes his head in fond remembrance. " Not yet. Probably soon yeah. Ayaka's well-mannered, but when you really get down to it , she's pretty wild- if you know what I mean. You don't even want to see what she did to my back with her nails-" He rubs his back with one hand and winces. "She clawed me up- like a lioness"

"No. I don't." Shuichi mutters honestly. "I got a weak stomach."

"Ha. " Hiro says.

There is a pause.

"So... if you don't mind my asking... did you... do anything about Eiri Yuki?" Hiro asks him directly.

Shuichi knew this question was coming.

Although he is unsettled that Hiro asked about it so immediately.

Shuichi thinks:

At this moment, he has a choice.

To be honest or not.

He remembers Hiro's reaction when he told him about Yuki. Ditching him to go see a concert with Ayaka and Fujisaki for all things.

Creating a fissure in what seemed so solid.

"Course' I didn't. I followed your advice." Shuichi lies on the spot. "...I've forgotten all about it."

"Good. Good. " Hiro looks relieved, then he smiles sheepishly. "You were acting pretty off .. and all over some weird hoarder too."

" A... hoarder?" Shuichi asks confusedly. "...Whats that?"

"It's the technical term for people who keep things and don't throw them away or collect things en mass that they don't need. " Hiro shrugs. "Its a psychological disorder. Which I assume Yuki must have- from what little you told me."

'Why do people have it? Where does it come from? Is there a cure?!' Shuichi wants to demand.

"...How do you know about that?" Shuichi asks instead.

" My mom's a psychology professor remember? She just also happened to mention she was researching some project about it with some of her grad students. I guess its enough of prevalent problem to warrant further research. I can see why." Hiro scratches his chin. " Its rather... fascinating in a way."

" _Fascinating?"_ Shuichi gapes.

He thinks of Eiri Yuki walking through that narrow path of his own mess.

Refusing to let him take away the stack of useless newspapers.

That fire starting at his feet.

Shuichi's face darkens at the memory. "...Thats one way of putting it."

Hiro turns his head to look at him. "You seemed ...shook up about it... That's part of why I called you over."

"Shook up? Oh no, I got over it immediately. I was just ...stressed..."Shuichi pretends a shrug, an off-handed scoff. "About losing the job and all. Sorry about acting ...weird the other day."

"Thats understandable." Hiro then grins. "Well, that's over . Guess we can close the book on Eiri Yuki eh?"

Shuichi does not smile back.

Hiro asks him. "You looking for another job?"

"Yeah. No luck so far. But I'll find something. Eventually." Shuichi says, staring ahead . "... I told my folks about it."

"...Yikes." Hiro winces. "How did that go?"

Shuichi turns his head away."... I don't want to talk about it."

"Yeah. Lets move onto a better subject- as I'm sure something will come your way. " Hiro then says with a assured gesture. " In other and good news-I got a girl lined up for you!"

"You did? " Shuichi says, surprised.

"I sure did. She's another student ... an acquaintance " Hiro wiggles his eyebrows. "...but she has a _thing_ for musicians. "

"Musicians? " Shuichi mutters. "She's going to be let down then. I haven't sung in months."

"Hey, she doesn't need to know that! Other than that, I'm sure you'll hit it off!" Hiro laughs. "She's your type. Easy going, a lot of fun, and she has a great body. See?"

Hiro pulls out a picture from his pocket. "This is a photo with Ayaka and some other friends at Fujisaki's recital the other day- somebody brought a polaroid. Your girl is the farthest on the left."

He hands it over.

Shuichi looks at the picture. He doesn't recognize anybody in the group except Hiro, Ayaka and Fujisaki.

From what little he can see, the girl is smiling, a appealing smile as appealing as her flushed rosy cheeks. She has hair down to her shoulders with bangs, in a low cut flowered dress with a sweater over it.

"Yeah... She is cute." Shuichi admits.

"Glad you like her." Hiro says. " I'll set up a intro for you. "

Shuichi attempts a smile.

It almost feels real.

"...Thanks for looking out for me man." Shuichi says with sincere gratitude.

"No sweat. I'm always looking out for you buddy. Somebody has to, right? " Hiro tells him cheerfully. " I figured you needed a pick me up, something to take your mind off things."

Shuichi nods in agreement. "Yeah. I could."

Things like Eiri Yuki.

They stare at eachother.

Shuichi says, hoping it sounds casual. "...But... ah... by the way, you...uh... didn't tell anyone about it, did you?"

"About what?" Hiro murmurs.

Shuichi shifts his eyes towards him."...About... what I told you about... Yuki.."

"No." Hiro says.

Shuichi wants to sigh in relief.

Good old Hiro.

Ofcourse, he wouldn't.

What had Shuichi been thinking?

How he could ever doubted him?

Hiro was his best friend.

That would never change.

No matter what, Hiro would always be there for him.

Looking out for him.

Shuichi could always trust him.

"But I did tell Ayaka." Just then hears Hiro say.

"..." Shuichi's heart stands still.

"You did _what."_

He turns to Hiro.

"...Why did you do that Hiro?" Shuichi says. Paling.

"Why? Ayaka asked me what we were talking about when we walked away from her , last night... after we... you know." Hiro shrugs. "So I told her."

"But _why."_ Shuichi's voice increases in volume. " _Why_ did you do that."

"What was I supposed to do?"" Hiro frowns. " Lie?"

"Yeah! Why not!" Shuchi growls. "Or just say... nothing! You don't have to tell your girlfriend everything!"

"Easy for you to say!You don't have a girlfriend, you don't know what its like. They ask you things all the time!" Hiro cajoles. " She kept asking me what we were talking about because she was worried!"

"Worried?! About me?! " Shuichi yelps. "Why would she be?"

"No. Not about you- well in a way." Hiro sighs. "...She thought you and I were talking about her."

"Why would I talk about her?! Behind her back?! Why would I do that?! Why would I even care Hiro?!" Shuichi snorts.

"Will you keep your voice down!" Hiro shushes him. His voice lowers in a near whisper. "...Ayaka thinks you don't like her."

"What?! I don't like or dislike her! I barely know her Hiro! Tell her thats not true! Tell her that I think she's fine!" Shuichi snaps.

"Just fine?" Hiro frowns. " Thats not good enough. I'll tell her you think she's great and that you want to hang out sometime".

" Tell her whatever you want-that doesn't matter!" Shuichi snarls. " What matters did she blab anything to anybody?!To somebody who might... care?!" He thinks frantically. " Like Fujisaki?!"

"Theoretically- she could." Hiro says, stroking his chin again in thought. "Ofcourse... yes, theoretically... anything is possible."

"Theoretically?!" Shuichi 's voice rises.

He grabs Hiro by the shoulders and shakes him violently. "What does that mean Hiro?! I didn't ask you what she could do THEORETICALLY. DID she or DIDN't she?"

"My God Shuichi- will you calm your shit! " Hiro pushes Shuichi's hands off. " I don't know if she did or didn't, but why would she?"

"I don't know! Maybe just because she knows it and she can !" Shuichi gasps. "Did you _tell_ her not to say anything?"

" Why would I. I just assumed she'd use her sense and would exercise some discretion and wouldn't. " Hiro murmurs. " Anyways, its not really my place to tell Ayaka what to say or what not to say. I respect her judgement. That and Ayaka didn't seem to care that much about it... She even kind of laughed when she heard it."

" ...She ... _laughed..._ about it?!" Shuichi gawks.

"Yeah. Ayaka told me that she used to have an enormous crush on Eiri Yuki when she was younger- 13 or so, but so did all the teeny boppers back then. But Ayaka was obsessed. In love with him even. She was even the head of a youth chapter of his ' Golden Boy fan club. Heh. " Hiro snickers. " She had all his posters on and would fantasize about running away from home and marrying him , and write out her name on school books as Mrs. Ayaka Yuki. It's pretty funny actually."

Unaware of Shuichi's horrified reaction, Hiro goes on, chuckling. " Ayaka even tried to see him once during a book signing event . She played hooky, waited for hours in line with hundreds of other girls and when she was finally next, she got so overwhelmed with excitement, she had a screaming fit and fainted. She never got the book signed or got to see him, because they carried her off for medical attention. Ayaka cried for days afterwards, and was full of regret that she never got to profess her love to him, or see him in person, or get her signed copy of Cool. So it was funny to her, that this guy she built up in her mind, that she imagined was perfect in every way - would end up in such a wierd and sorry state. The irony of the situation I suppose. And it's a peculiar six degree of separation as well. "

Shuichi stares at Hiro, still aghast.

Hiro continues flippantly. "But yeah sure, I can ask Ayaka about if she said anything to anyone about it.I doubt it though."

Shuichi is silent.

Then he turns away again.

"...You know what Hiro." Shuichi then says in a quiet voice.

"To tell you the truth, I _don't like_ Ayaka. " He says pointblank. "Never have. Never will."

Hiro looks at him.

Shocked.

"Okay, I get it, Ayaka lays you - and she's got a big rack and apparently she's some sex fiend. Good for you that you have a girl like that because I can't say that for myself! But otherwise, oh man- she's just ... awful Hiro ! She ... just sucks so much! " Shuichi groans, his face collasping into his hands." I'm sorry- I've been keeping my mouth shut about it out of respect for you, but I just can't hold it in any longer: So this is how really IS!"

He leaps up from the bench with a bolt.

Shuichi finally lets it out.

"Ayaka is not only a high maintenance princess who thinks she's above everybody, because her folks have money- like she's can take credit for any of that- when she could have been born anyone, anytime, anywhere - but she's mean and a mind gaming mixer ! Think about it- why is she trying to say I would say something bad behind her back without any proof of it ?! Why would I give a crap enough to THINK of her?! How self-obessed is she?! Either Ayakas the most insecure person on earth- or she want to play divide and conquer by spreading rumors about me to you ! And why?! Easy ANSWER: she wants to separate you from your old pals, because she's bad news, and crazy and a control freak! You're supposed to be the smart one Hiro, and you can't see that?!"

Shuichi then sputters. " And look how she reacted- about Eiri Yuki! -Who hears something like that-that the guy is struggling- with that... hoarding sickness and living in a hell hole and might _die_ alone in his own garbage, and LAUGHS about it ?! Is that FUNNY?! If so, I missed the punchline ! And she thinks she can laugh because its... _ironic_? What does that even mean?! It is ironic because she was a dumb teeny bopper who made a fool of herself and she's bitter that she never had a chance with the guy who she only saw through a poster?! Ofcourse she didn't! What - was she was going to marry him after meeting him once and getting him to sign his book ?! What is Ayaka, a psycho?! Maybe she is - she has the personality of a plank of wood ! An unpleasant piece of wood! And yeah, maybe Ayaka's face mght be cute- if it didn't looks like she's sucking lemons or smelling something bad all the time!"

Now on a roll Shuichi rants.

" And she actually friends with Fujisaki- how can anyone actually _like_ that toolbox?! ! He has a life size metal bust of some European composer in his room for God's sake! I can tell you why,she likes him- because only lame boring snots like other lame boring snots! And she's studying finance, how much more boring and LAME can you get?! Not only that, Ayaka's made you into some cowed WHIPPED LAME-O too! How can you even like yourself while dating her ?! You used to be COOL Hiro! You used to be hilarious, and laid back and smart- not just OBNOXIOUS snide book smart, but as a friend and as a musician and just an all round good guy! Since you been with her, you changed - but not for the better! You're starting to become ANNOYING and stuck up as she is- thats when you're not stressed and overworked like a SPINELESS school- ZOMBIE. You used to be your own person and have your own OPINIONS! You would have never been anybody's step and fetch it guy, let alone for some toad girl like Ayaka! I mean come on Hiro- she's the kind of girl we'd laugh at in highschool! Even worse, she takes up all your time like some possessive stalker and shadows you all the time, and its CREEPY ! And you just lap it up just because she has SEX with you which all you do is brag about! Are you that desperate ?! And worse of all , Ayaka broke up our band! Or you let her do it ! Our band that we built together and worked so hard for! It was supposed to be you and me- and Bad Luck forever and we were going to take on the world! So NO! You want the truth: I don't like Ayaka and I would never want to hang out with her, not if she were the last _hot chick_ on earth- and although she's not that hot either, because it's plain she's a rotten bitch and the worst person in the entire world!"

"...Shuichi." Hiro grits, eyes wide.

"What?!" Shuichi yells at him. "Are you going to tell me I'm wrong?!"

"No ...Shuichi." Hiro hisses between clenched teeth.. "... _Behind you_."

Shuichi then turns around.

Its Ayaka

The girl looks livid.

"...Oh ... no." Shuichi says.

She slaps him hard across the face.

Then she pushes Shuichi aside and shoots Hiro an accusatory look.

"And _you-_ " Ayaka chokes, furious.

Hiro stands himself- as if to protest.

Ayaka marches straight into Hiro's chest.

"How could you! I heard it all! And you just stood there like a coward! You didn't even try to stick up for me once! You made me - defend myself, because you didn't do or say anything! What kind of wimp does that?! What BOYFRIEND doesn't stand up for his girlfriend?!" Ayaka screeches up at him. "What kind of man are you?!"

"Ayaka -I'm sorry!" Hiro yelps down at her. "...I... I was just shocked- I didn't even have the chance to- say anything- this is just an misunderstanding!"

" Oh I understood alright!" Ayaka then bursts into tears, her voice warbling. "And you're taking his side? You're trying to defend your friend after what he said ?! Now I know what you really think of me, where your true loyalities lie! You were both making fun of me behind my back all along, and you're only using me for sex and telling all your friends about it!"

NO. Thats the last thing I would do-" Hiro thrusts his hands forward to embrace her. " I would never do that! Allow me to explain-"

Ayaka only slaps Hiro's arms away.

"Theres nothing to explain- I understand now! You secretly are angry at me -because you think I took you away from your slacking off and your music and your old friends-" Ayaka sobs. "You can have it then! You've made your choice! I won't impede you anymore -but I won't let you make a fool of me either! "

"Ayaka-!" Hiro groans. " _No-"_

"I'm going to tell every girl on campus who you truly are- so you can't trick and hurt them like you did me ! And if you want to talk about what we did in bed together, I can talk too and be very _cruel_ and s _pecific_! You'll be a pariah! No girl will ever talk to you or date you for the next 4 years! And I don't even know what all my friends who are boys will want to do to you- and remember that my family are very well-connected in this town and having crossed me in such a way might start to seriously affect your career options! " Ayaka can barely speak through her broken crying. " If you think you can play me and break my heart and get away with it, you messed with the wrong girl Hiro Nakano!"

With one last piercing wail, Ayaka runs off.

"No- no- Ayaka wait!" Hiro calls, nearly howling after her. "Please! No! Please Ayaka!"

Hiro turns behind himself.

Hiro looks absolutely stricken. Eye huge. Fists and teeth clenched. Near hyperventilating.

"And she's violent too." Shuichi says sullenly, rubbing his cheek. "Good riddance, am I right?"

He puts his arm around Hiro's shoulder and proclaims. "You don't need her buddy!"

Hiro shoves his hand off.

"Great job Shuichi!" Hiro roars outraged. "REAL SMOOTH!"

When Hiro begins to run forward, Shuichi snatches for Hiro's arm.

"You're not going to chase after her are you?!" Shuichi pulls him back. "You're going to ditch me for her again?!"

Hiro takes his arm back and yells. "YEAH I'm going to ditch you for her!"

"Why?!"

"You're asking me WHY?! She my girlfriend Shuichi!" Hiro snarls ,wild-eyed. "And maybe if I catch her- there's a chance that I can explain what happened and she'll forgive me!"

With a bound, Shuichi leaps and stands in Hiro's way, his arms outspread to further block him. "But LOOK at her! Look at what she just did, and said to you- putting you down and threatening you like .. she's some kind of yakuza boss! She's a terrible human being! You can't go begging for mercy from someone like that! Don't you have any pride?!"

" You don't get it! My PRIDE doesn't matter- see how she heartbroken she is! Ayaka's only saying ALL that because she trusted me - and now she's hurt- because you _hurt_ her! You may think all that - maybe you don't see what I see - maybe you don't see the beauty and good in her, but I do - and ... I..." Hiro yells back, near hysterical. " I ...love her alright? And I like her as she is- Its not about the sex- although the sex is awesome- I love her!"

"Come on Hiro!" Shuichi shouts. " You can't be serious! Even as LAME as you are now, you deserve better then that!"

Hiro steps back from him.

Shuichi watches Hiro pace back and forth, head in hands, still hyperventilating.

Its the frist time he's seen Hiro this upset.

"...I _do_ love her- and I don't _care_ what you think Shuichi! Or what anybody thinks- if nobody alive saw her the same way it wouldn't change how I feel! I know thats how she felt about me- or at least she did until you JUST screwed that up !And you don't have to constantly hide and lie and pretend to people you love and care about- because you trust them! Thats why I told her about that ...Eiri Yuki incident. Maybe, one day you'll get it! But I doubt it." Hiro growls as he paces. "DAMNIT Shuichi! I can't believe you just ... sabotaged my life! You're such an asshole!"

"No Hiro!" Shuichi charges forth." You know what you did was worse!You betrayed me - your best friend since middle school for your stupid girlfriend to impress her! A girlfriend who probably break up with you in a few months! And you used what I told you - in private- as an entertainment story- like Eiri Yuki's nothing but some monkey in a zoo ! You're the real asshole and a traitor too!"

Hiro spreads his arms and shouts."Maybe so- but hey at least I'm not envious!"

Shuichi's mouth slams shut.

"I'm sorry that Bad Luck didn't work out- I knew it wouldn't, but I just wanted to take a gap year and cut loose and have fun before I got ready to straighten out - but I'm sorry if you took it seriously though! But come on Shuichi, did you really think we stood a chance?! That we would make it and become world-wide big pop stars?! If so you need to get a HEAVY DOSE reality check man! We were never that good to begin with! " Hiro belts out. "And I'm sorry I'm making new friends now, and that I have a girlfriend and you don't! I'm sorry I'm maturing and succeeding- and you're stuck and not getting anywhere ! But I can't hold myself back for you. I... have to move on now! And so do you...alright?!"

Shuichi stares back at his friend.

Hiro barks. "And you're one to talk- thinking you can be all self-righetous about Eiri Yuki! You accuse us of being callous and uncaring- but then why did you come back to see him and break into his place- when obviously Yuki didn't want to be bothered?! Clearly there's was a reason why Yuki stopped writing, and withdrew from the public - but you just had to find out why, you just couldn't let it be, could you?! And once you found out,you couldn't deal with the ugly truth - and once again, like you always do, you came bawling to me expecting me to solve it, or give you .. some kind of answer?! But -what AM I supposed to do about it Shuichi?! What did you _expect_?! You weren't supposed to see that!"

Shuichi's eyes widen even more.

"So you're no better than I AM ! Infact you're much worse! At least I didn't ... physically harass and intrude on a troubled guy who's .. obviously wants to be left alone!" Hiro snarls."At least I'm not pretending I _care_ and taking some... kind of... moral stance while I oogle Yuki like he's a freakshow! "

Shuichi retorts. "Its not like that!"

"Then what is it like?!" Hiro shoots back.

Shuichi cries. "You wouldn't understand Hiro!"

"Yeah. I don't understand! I don't think you even understand yourself ! You're like a bull in a china shop Shuichi! You never _think_ before you act - and everyone else around you ends up paying for it! Whether its Yuki, or me or Ayaka, or somebody else! And why don't you cut the crap- you don't care about our friendship or about anyone but yourself! If you did, you would have kept you mouth shut about how you felt about Ayaka like you should have- not only that, you trash talked a girl behind her back! Way to take the high road man!" Hiro snaps. "Maybe you were right about one thing !You really _don't_ know who you are. Because if you did, you wouldn't behave like ...how you do! You need to find out who you are and fast - or _grow up."_

Shuich hears it and stands there.

"And you want the truth - I didn't even want to _see_ you this afternoon! I'm too busy now- and I've outgrown your drama and I don't need to deal with the kind of stupid stress you bring into my life! That's why I've been avoiding you in case you didn't notice- because I don't want FAILURES like you -to drain my time and WEIGH me down and depress me anymore! The only reason I see you is because out of GUILT that I'm doing well and you're not. It was Ayaka suggested that I hang out with you, because she _was_ worried about you! Because she is caring, and sweet and thoughtful! And yes- she was worried that you didn't like her, and she didn't want you to be cut out from us- she wanted to be friends with you ! She was the one who set up the date with her cute friend to cheer you up, and so you'd have a foray into our social group, and she told me to take the credit so you wouldn't feel embarassed about it! And you know what else she was going to do?! Ayaka was going to try and help you find a job too with her one of her family's contacts as an intern at NG studio -because she pitied you after seeing how pathetic you were the other day! " Hiro growls.

Shuichi finds nothing in him to say.

"And why shouldn't she? I'm surprised she didn't laugh in your face too! You were the one who acted ... so ridiculous, so shaken , _crying_ over some ... stranger... Distraught even! And about that has-been Eiri Yuki that no one even remembers- who wrote some fad- book nearly ten years ago that you didn't even read ! And why! Why do you care?! Or is this all an act to get attention?!" Hiro hisses. "I'm sorry I even told you about Eiri Yuki! I feel though as I unintentionally... started something or sowed some... awful ... seed in your mind!"

" And even now, you're still so... wierd and obviously... still thinking about him even though you claimed to forget all about him. Its like a.. borderline unhealthy obession. "

Hiro finally says, with a disturbed look. "..No wonder you don't have a girlfriend."

"Why would you say that?!" Shuichi demands, his blood running cold. "...Take it back Hiro."

"No I won't." Hiro says coolly.

Shuichi says in a warning tone . "You better take it BACK Hiro."

Hiro crosses his arms." No. I won't. Or didn't you hear me."

He dares him. "And what are you going to do about it?"

Not taking his eyes off Hiro, Shuici begins to take a few preparatory steps back

"Yeah. Figures as much." Hiro taunts, misinterpreting the gesture. " I figured you'd never- "

Hiro never finshes his sentence, as Shuichi launches at Hiro in a flying tackle.

This is Shuichi's frist physical fight with Hiro that is a real fight.

Not wrestling, or a play fight.

And now, Shuichi's temper is in full swing.

If it's one thing Shuichi's father has taught him- is how to bottle his anger inside.

He can no longer.

The two of them land and roll and tussle on the grass.

" You want to know what I'm going TO DO!" Shuichi pummels his fist into Hiro's face, neck, and chest, jabbing and bashing his friend as fast and hard as he can. He has to- as he is shorter and smaller in stature then Hiro, if he even wants to have a fighting chance. " I'm going to kick your ass ! I'm gonna turn your head around -twice! I'm going to _kill_ you you bastard!"

Unprepared, Hiro takes a few blows.

Then he starts to cover his face and bucks and knees Shuichi in the ribs

Shuichi flies off, his side burning and the wind knocked out of him.

The next thing he sees, is Hiro climbing over him.

Shuichi also sees, (to some horrible satisfaction) that he's split Hiro's lip open. Possibly given him a black eye.

The satisfaction is short-lived when Hiro socks him several times in the face. Crashing him down with his fist, with an anvil 's impact .

When Shuichi's senses return to him, past the red crushing searing pain, and the vicious taste of blood in his mouth , Hiro is screaming down at him. "I should be the one _killing you_! You've messed up everything for me- and you disrespected my girlfriend!"

Shuichi snarls up at him defiantly, through bloodied teeth. There is a rage within him that is so enormous, he almost in a state of painlessness and also utterly unafraid. "Oh YEAH?! AND your girlfriend hit me- and she ruined my best friend! And she also hits harder then you do- HELL even my dead grandma could hit harder than you DO! And YOU KNOW WHAT, I don't care what you say- I would never accepted Ayaka's help with anything- not with the job or with that girl- because MONEY OR NOT, she's TRASH! THE LOWEST OF TRASH! So LOW my dad's company wouldn't even pick her up! Like you ARE! "

Shuichi spits. "Infact you're lower than her - You think Ayaka RESPECTS you dude?! I bet she's already forgotten you- and she's with a new GUY right now- clawing his back up- chewing his neck OPEN!"

Growling incoherently, Hiro 's face turns near purple. Now truly unrecognizable, rendered a stranger through his fury, and he slams Shuichi's heads repeatedly into the grass by a fistful of hair. " OH YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU better say you're SORRY! Or I'll make you sorry !"

"NEVER!" Shuichi chokes , even more determined withstand any punishment that Hiro might dish out to him. Even if Hiro kills him right then and there, Shuichi is certain he would not back down. He shouts between his head being slammed in the sod, his ears shrieking, grains of blackened dirt and blood flecked in his teeth. "The only thing I'll do is REPEAT IT for you! You can take your GUILT and Ayaka can take her- DAMN pity and SHOVE it! I DON't take- ANYTHING I've said back! All I wish now is that I had said ALL I said to her face! She _deserves_ my disrepect! Just like you deserve my fist in your lying face-"

Trying to make good on that threat, his rage renewed, Shuichi manages to crawl and elbow and thrash up out of his grip and from under Hiro.

He throws a series of punches and kicks in Hiro's direction.

Some of them even hit his target.

In the midst of it, Shuichi feels a hand snatch him by the back of his hoodie and pull him away.

"No- -" Shuichi growls infuriated at whoeever, whatever is doing it. "I'm not FINSHED yet-"

Shuichi's only pulled forcibly back by his hood again, until he lands fully backwards on the grass.

When he looks up to see who's doing it, he sees it is Fujisaki Suguru, Hiro's roommate , standing above them. He's in a turtle neck and one of his ornate paisley scarves.

"Stop it!" Fujisaki steps between them. "Stop it- both of you!"

The two of them stop to glare at him.

"Both of you are behaving like children. I am the one who has to break this up? I'm three years younger then you both!" Fujisaki shouts.

He turns to Hiro.

"Hiro. " Fujisaki commands. " Go talk to Ayaka. She is in the coffee shop and in quite a state. Knowing her- it would be best to not let her ...ruminate about it."

Hiro bows this head.

He looks mournful at the mention of Ayaka.

"And Shuichi." The music student turns to him. " You should leave now."

"Oh shut up and stay out of this! I don't know you man! " Shuichi shouts. "This is between me and Hiro!"

"Hiro and I." Fujisaki corrects him. "And I beg to differ. You are not even a student. You shouldn't even be on campus ."

"Neither should you! You're 17 and at a university?! Does your mommy know you're here ?! Shouldn't you be having nap time?! " Shuichi snaps at him.

"I'm more than sufficiently equipped to be here , as I skipped several grades and was recruited on a prestigious music scholarship." Fujisaki tells him primly.

" I don't care, you're still a douche! Nice bust of Beethoven by the way!" Shuichi snarls.

"Its actually a bust of Tchaikovsky " Fujisaki says, dry.

"Whatever! You saying that makes you a even bigger douche! " Shuichi roars. " I hope it falls on your foot! Tool! "

"..." Fujisaki only blinks at him once disdainfully. " Please leave before I call campus security on you."

" GOOD! YOU don't need to ask me twice. I don't want to be here- and I know when I'm not wanted!" Shuichi scrambles to his feet.

Once on his feet, he points at Hiro and Fujisaki .

"And to used to think I wanted to be here, hanging out with you guys! But now I rather be thrown in facefirst in a wood chipper! I don't ENVY any of you JERKS! What's the point if you got BRAINS and you can play the school GAME, if you got no hearts or GUTS to back it up?! Thats what all of you are! Heartless gutless SNOBS and SCUM all of you ! All you do is sit here and learn how to be even worse fake scheming back-stabbing assholes then you already are! You all deserve eachother! Enjoy your STUPID _campus_ life and kissing professor's asses, you losers!" Shuichi snarls.

Fujisaki sighs. "We will. Come on Hiro."

As he does , Fujisaki extends his hand to help Hiro up.

"I got one last thing to say to Hiro-" Shuichi grabs Hiro by the collar.

"Shuichi-" Fujisaki says.

"Thats all I'm going to do -so BACK OFF!" Shuichi brandishes his fist at him.

Fujisaki steps back, hand raised.

Shuichi then leans in.

"You don't want to be friends anymore- you want to be with your trash girlfriend- fine, but whatever you do-" Shuichi hisses into Hiro's ear. " Make sure Ayaka doesn't _tell_ anybody else what I told you about ... _Yuki. "_

"Why should I." Hiro sneers down at him. "I don't owe _you_ anything."

"No you don't. But you should, because whatever happened between you and me ... Yuki didn't do _anything_. Don't make his life worse. You already laughed at him- and if you really think what he's going though is funny, you're the one I really pity. If you got any decency left in you - don't make Yuki pay... for my mistake. And the only reason why is because it's the right thing to do- and you _know it_." Shuichi tells Hiro determinedly.

He keeps Hiro there for a moment, glaring at him, steadily in his grip.

Afterwards, he lets go.

"I made him a promise." Shuichi tells him as he steps away. " I intend to keep it."

"...You made... a promise?... What does that mean?" Hiro asks him, looking even more disturbed than he did earlier.

Shuichi does not answer.

"Shuichi" Hiro says. He looks suddenly worried. Even frightened."... What are you getting yourself into?"

"I'm not going to tell you... I made the mistake of trusting you once." Shuichi shudders. " I won't do that again."

Shuichi starts to run as fast as he can.

"Shuichi wait-" He hears Hiro call out behind him.

Shuichi doesn't turn around.

* * *

Shuichi spends the rest of the day, crying inconsolably, in the park.

He no longer has a best friend.


	6. Chapter 6

WOW! What a response... I can't express my appreciation of you all enough but I'll try anyways. You, you beautiful brave and select group of readers out there, thank you for your readership, your positivity and your continued support on this demented brainwreck of a thought experiment. you do infact know you are encouraging me right? Haha! Sometimes I still can't believe I actually wrote AND posted this story, and ask myself what lapse of judgment permitted it to happen, but yeeeeeeeeah, here it is... And now that I have properly set the bar low, here it is ...the part you've all been dreading, from the fic nobody asked for from a writer who needs to stop. In compensation and in gratitude for the wait, I made this chapter nice and excruciatingly LONG for you. And on a loving note, I advise you to look away while you still can. Don't say I didn't warn you...

Also please note the TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter: This chapter includes depiction of mental illness; hoarding in particular, anxiety, paranoia, intense homophobia, sexism and misogyny, male and female body objectification, graphic and abusive language and bullying, allusion to sexual acts, allusion to drug use/dealing and binge-drinking, mentions of pornography, class prejudice, workplace abuse, generational conflict, dangerous situations including the immediate threat of violence, and questioning one's own sexual identity. ( I raised the rating of the story just to be safe for this reason.) If these subjects may trigger or offend you, please DO NOT read.

And a shout out to my reviewers:

Ero-gamakage- Thank you so much for your kind and positive review and your outstanding encouragement on the last chapter! What is so fulfilling about writing Shuichi is that he speaks straight from the heart, and often the things we want to say ourselves! Haha! And its very good to know you got his back about Ayaka too ! And I'm delighted that the story is getting better for you and I hope it just keeps on getting better, so I can keep you as my wonderful reader. Although I hate to tease you, you will just have to keep on reading to what happens next with Yuki...and once again thanks and love you.

SheikahLover: Thank you for reviewing again and thank you for your lovely and perceptive comments. I greatly appreciated the richness and insight of your review , so I will try and measure up to your response which is the stuff every author dreams of getting. It's very rewarding to know (although I hate to make a beautiful soul like you cry) that the last chapter had an emotional impact on you. While the story and characters are obviously fictional, I try to make it feel as emotionally real and believable as possible ... And your comments were right on the money. It was tough to write Hiro and Shuichi's fight, because as you noted, it was a case of good intentions gone awry. Shuichi and Hiro (and Ayaka too) were ultimately well-meaning, but misguided. Also because Hiro is such a figure of support and stablity to Shuichi in the canon, its difficult to imagine Shuichi trying to make his way in the world without his best friend. But I always wondered if Bad Luck didn't work out , what might have happened to them? Now that Shuichi and Hiro are on different paths with different expectations and in different environments, I thought it would be inevitable that tensions would arise and difficult decisions would have to be made,no matter how hurtful the outcome. And just as Hiro has changed a lot, Shuichi is beginning to change too. He did have a lot of cathartic moments in the last chapter, and he also got to demonstrate his capacity for kindness and thoughtfulness. From that, Eiri and Shuichi's relationship is also evolving. Just how... you will have to see...;) And ofcourse, I'm very glad to contribute to this section if I can! Active or not, I know they are still many loyal Gravitation fans out there who still want to revisit these characters or new fans who just discovered it. I know every fandom has it's 'glory days', but as I joined the party relatively late, but I'm always up to share if there's someone out there to share it with. Since this fandom already has an extensive library with so many brilliant and creative authors who have inspired me, I try to approach the characters in a more atypical way to try to add something 'different' to the conversation (but given the amount of Gravitation fics out there, its probably impossible ha!). For that reason, I understand if this fic (as well as my other ones ) might be an 'acquired taste' but my motto is 'Write the story nobody has written or no one wants to read!' Haha! When the premise of 'Golden Boy' came to me- I never thought I would actually go through with it , but your feedback has made me feel as developing this idea was worthwhile , so thank you for your exceptional support and your incomparable kindness! And I hope that I can possibly keep you excited and interested for whatever's ahead for these characters... Love you and happy reading.

Kateriarellano2: All I can say is wow and thank you so much for reviewing again! I truly appreciate your continued enthusiasm and I am always delighted to hear from you! And yeah, love you!

Pissed: Yeah, fuck those guys right? Fucking assholes. I know that you're pissed, but please keep reading to see what happens next and maybe your mood will change! (By the way,love you.)

SunnyDe: (Great name by the way, it makes me yearn for that refreshing beverage) Thank you so much for your delightful multiple reviews -what a treat! They were really superb to get! And thank you so much for taking a chance on this unusual story too, and for also appreciating what a damned tough no-holds-barred brat Shuichi can be. But sometimes, like Shuichi, you just gotta go all in right? ;) and also I was impressed about what you noticed about Hiro at the end - (that caring for your best friend doesn't just turn off even when you're mad at eachother !) I see you notice the small details ;) Now, that's a wonderful reader! And I am even more thrilled that I got your attention and that you want to know that you want to see what happens next! I just hope i didn't keep you waiting too long, and hope this next part doesn't disappoint. Love you and please keep reading.

* * *

Once agian, Shuichi is unable to sleep.

That night he struggles with his blankets. Stares into the dark. Caught and strangled in his sheets.

Its the pain of loss. Years of friendship gone. The shock. The sense of outrage. Desperate worry. Exhaustion.

Most of all, loneliness.

Now Shuichi feels a shift.

He cannot trust anyone anymore.

He cannot even bring himself to call Hiro to ask him what he plans to do.

(If Hiro would even pick up.)

And even if Hiro did do the right thing, and told Ayaka not to tell...

Would Ayaka listen?

Might she tell, out of spite?

Even worse, Shuichi knows he must warn Eiri that someone might tell his secret.

Even after he made his promise.

For all Shuichi knows, Yuki's secret may be out already.

Simply because in a moment of crisis, he had trusted his best friend.

Who was no longer his friend.

He was worse.

He was a traitor.

 _"Traitor."_ Shuichi hisses out-loud

His feelings transmute from intolerable sadness to all-encompassing fury.

Shuichi suddenly wishes that he had hit Hiro harder.

And Fujisaki too - Shuichi thinks -he deserved at least one punch, one destroying uppercut to his smug self-satisfied face!

Shuichi punches the wall instead.

Cursing as quietly as possible, Shuichi curls up on himself, fist aching cruelly.

As Shuichi does, he cannot help but shudder with regret:

If things had turned out differently... He may of had an internship at NG studio.

A shot with that pretty college girl in the photo.

Where might have that lead him?

It could have bettered his lot.

Now Shuichi will never know.

And that could have been his one chance to regain his purpose. To belong. To be respected and successful.

Be happy.

As those lost opportunities haunt him, Hiro's painful words scurry around and resound in his consciousness.

One damning sentence in particular...

 _It's like a borderline unhealthy obsession..._

 _No wonder you don't have a girlfriend_.

He can even recall Hiro's disturbed ( disgusted?) expression with it.

Shuichi feels a tortuous upheaval within himself. Heart pounding. An full on-set of dry-mouthed queasiness.

He shoots up in bed, clings to his blankets again. Sweating profusedly yet he feels icy cold.

He thinks to himself, in something akin to stunned terror.

...Was it true?

...Was there something _...wrong_ with him?

Shuichi thinks of Eiri Uesugi again.

Or rather, he hasn't stopped thinking about Eiri Uesugi since he saw him.

As long as he can remember, Shuichi has had posters on his wall of the people he has idolized.

But whatever he felt towards them wasn't like this.

He remembers that photo of 'Eiri Yuki' on the book jacket.

That extraordinary young man smiling, as if his smile were directed solely at him.

Even closing his eyes, Shuichi can see it.

He remembers the palpable shock of seeing it. What immediately came to mind.

 _'Beautiful.'_

Nevermind that he was calling another man 'beautiful'-

Shuichi has the terrible suspicion that the image of Eiri Yuki may never leave him.

That everytime he closes his eyes alone like this, Eiri Yuki is what he will see.

* * *

The next morning,unsure of what to do, Shuichi heads to the train station.

* * *

At the train station, Shuichi finally brings himself to call Hiro.

Noone picks up.

Reluctantly, he leaves a message.

"...Hiro. It's ...Shuichi." Shuichi articulates between clenched teeth.

The hand he punched the wall with is still splintered sore and badly bruised from yesterday. He is marked along his cheek, and there is a cut on his forehead from their scuffle.

He remembers the cause: Hiro betraying him. Calling him pathetic. A failure.

 _Unhealthy_ even.

Shuichi takes a breath. Sits down on a bench.

He has to reign in his anger.

His mortification.

Tramp down the protestations.

Control himself.

For the sake of keeping his promise, he has to.

Shuichi continues. "I need to know what you and Ayaka... are ... going to do or already done about Yuki ..."

His face contorts with barely suppressed bitterness. "I think that's only _fair._ Isn't it."

Finally he says. "Call me back."

He hangs up and waits.

About 15 minutes later,Shuichi gets a call.

Even seeing's Hiro's number pop up on his phone's screen causes a visible pang in him.

Maybe Shuichi thinks: somehow, everything will all be fine.

Maybe Hiro will have woken up and come to his senses. It will go back to normal.

They can even start Bad Luck again.

Even if Hiro can only play every other weekend, Shuichi wouldn't care.

Shuichi wants his friend back.

Shuichi picks up.

"...Hiro." He says with uncertainly. "...Did you get my message?"

"...Yeah." He hears Hiro say, his voice dispassionate over the line. "I did."

Shuichi waits for Hiro's response.

"Ayaka and I talked about it- about how to deal with... the Yuki situation." Another long pause on Hiro's side." Ayaka decided ..."

And another agonizingly long pause.

"She won't say anything about it."

Shuichi leaps up from his bench and pumps his fist up in the air in relief.

"-if you apologize to her for yesterday." Hiro finshes.

Shuichi flinches.

He suddenly recalls the taste of blood in his mouth. Getting his head slammed into the dirt. Shouting how Hiro (and his new friends) all deserved his disrespect, that they were heartless gutless scum. Calling Ayaka the lowest of trash- and Hiro even lower than that.

And lastly, swearing that he would never take what he said back.

 _"_ Fine. Give me Ayaka's number. I'll call and apologize now." Shuichi grits grimly. "Let's get it over with."

If that's all he needs to do, he'll do it.

"No. " Hiro demands. "Ayaka wants an apology _in person_."

Shuichi groans uncontrollably and smacks a hand over his eyes. " But _why?"_

Hiro replies bitingly. " Ayaka wants to witness your sincerity. She has to see it in person, so she can assess for herself if you truly mean it. And she's still too hurt and upset to see you today. She'll meet you tomorrow in the park at 5."

Shuichi falls speechless.

Hiro continues. " Just so you know, you're not permitted on campus anymore. Fujisaki filed a report on you, so if campus security sees you, they'll have you removed as a danger to the learning community. And Fujisaki and I are coming with Ayaka tommorow for moral support. Fujisaki also wants an apology too from you, for what you said to him."

Shuichi gawks. "... _Are ...you kidding me?!"_

Hiro doesn't respond to that.

"THAT is ... JUST _messed up man_!" Shuichi barks. "What if Ayaka judges me insincere? How can she EVEN _judge_ that?! What is she, a mind reader?! What am I supposed to do?! Fall on my knees?! Let her stomp on my face?! Be dragged through hot coals?! What if that's STILL not enough for her?!"

Hiro states. "Thats up to Ayaka to decide."

"Thats not good enough!" Shuichi retorts.

"Then that's your problem." Hiro replies unsympathetically.

"What does _that_ mean?!" Shuchi growls into the receiver. "And I don't get it- why is Fujisaki getting in on this?!"

"..."

Shuichi says horrified. " _No."_

"..."

"Don't tell me..." Shuichi gawks. "... Did ...Ayaka tell Fujisaki about... Yuki?!"

Hiro answers coldly. " I'm not at license to say."

" DAMNIT Hiro! This isn't the time to PLAY GAMES!" Shuichi roars into the speaker, obilvious to the startled and disapproving stares of the passerbys around him. "This isn't about getting even or ... some girl's hurt feelings anymore! You're talking about _RUINING_ a guy's life here!"

"She's not _some girl_ -and you didn't seem all that concerned about ruining _my_ life yesterday." Hiro says resentfully through the line." Maybe you should have thought about that before you insulted my girlfriend, and caused me to lose face and attacked me on the most public place on campus!"

"It's not the same! " Shuichi charges back. "You can't compare _that_ to _this!_ So whatever you're got in your head, you got to...snap out of it Hiro! Whatever Ayaka and Fujisaki - have told you- you don't have to buy into it-"

Shuichi stops himself.

He remembers Hiro calling out to him for the last time, when he ran from him yesterday.

Asking him what he was getting himself into.

The fear and concern in Hiro's voice.

Shuichi can also remember what he pointed out about Ayaka.

How she shadows him all the time.

"Hold up. " Shuichi straightens in his seat. "Is... Ayaka... there next to you?"

On Hiro's side, silence.

" Is she... or Fujisaki... watching you... making you _say this_ me?" Shuichi continues carefully.

No answer.

Shuichi considers it.

There may be still a slight chance he can salvage their friendship.

Or at least not declare all-out war.

"OK. Let me talk then... Between you and me - we both know this whole making me apologize to Ayaka...is just a _gam_ e to her. A waste of time. Like how's probably Ayaka leading you on too, saying...she'll forgive you and take you back, if you get me to say sorry to her but she won't. Just how she'll never accept my apology, so she can blab about Yuki all she wants. Like her saying she was going to sic her friends on you and make your life suck as a way to freak you out. But don't _fall_ for it man. And how do you even know she hasn't talked about Yuki or about you already?! You said she could have already _told_ your room-mate! If that's true, you can't trust her." Shuichi urges through the phone.

Once again, no answer.

"I know... you feel caught in the middle Hiro - " Shuichi breathes hard. "And I know... you've changing now too. Maybe thats how... life is. But if all those years of friendship... meant anything,if the guy I knew is still in there... this time, this one last time, you just have... to take a stand and do what's right. Its... not too late to turn this around, or at least you got to try - and you know deep down what I'm saying is the truth-"

"I don't feel _caught_ in anything." Hiro interupts him.

Shuichi's mouth clamps shut.

"My conscience is clear. It was _your_ actions that lead you here Shuichi. Not mine. Or Ayaka's. Or Fujisaki's. _Yours._ No one's else. For once, _you_ have to take responsibility for your decisions. You chose your way and I chose mine- and I'm standing by my _real_ friends now - who want what's best _for me_. Just be grateful that I bothered to call you back- and I'm not pressing charges against you -which is more than you deserve. It was hard enough to even get Ayaka to talk to me after what you said, let alone consider this deal. And its the only option _you_ got to make things _right,_ so I suggest you take it. "He hears the sneering quake in Hiro's voice. "...You want to keep _Yuki's secret_ don't you?"

Shuichi shakes with anger on his own side.

"Yeah... I do." Shuichi grits.

"If thats the case, you better apologize to me tomorrow too." Hiro demands.

"And what if I don't?" Shuichi shoots back.

Hiro says. "Then there's no telling what will happen."

Shuichi closes his eyes.

Its real now.

"This is it. Isn't it Hiro." Shuichi says, eyes still closed. The finality of it hitting him. "We've been best friends... for nearly half our lives. And this is how it ends. "

"Yep." Hiro says unceremoniously. "After tommorow, I don't expect to see you again."

Behind his shut lids, Shuichi's eyes start to burn.

"See you in the park." Hiro quips.

He hangs up before Shuichi can say anything else.

Shuichi opens his eyes and stares into space.

He regrets making that phone call.

But he had no choice but to make it.

What can he choose to do now?

* * *

He buys a take-away lunch and boards the train with it.

* * *

When he makes his way to the entrance of the building where Eiri Yuki resides , this time, Shuichi hears something unexpected.

Music.

The beat and bass- line- though subtle- and from a distance, is familiar to him.

He knows this song.

Unable to resist it, he listens to it closer.

Unconsciously he bobs his head in time with it.

Its Nittle Grasper. 'Sleepless Beauty.'

It feels like an eternity since he's heard that song.

(Or any of Nittle Grasper's music.)

Shuichi looks around.

No one is there.

Seeing the coast is clear, Shuichi instinctively dances a few tentative (listless) steps by himself.

Just then, he remembers guiltily- that he did not repair the poster of Ryuichi Sakuma that his father tore up.

He forgot to look for it last night.

Probably his mother threw it away.

Likewise, the music reminds him of Hiro.

When he and Hiro were friends.

And with it, the image of himself (alone and crying) in the park yesterday.

Impulsively, with a tightening of his chest, Shuichi is compelled to follow the music.

Find it's source.

The song grows clearer with each quickening step and Shuichi's steps start to sync with the music, forcing him to trail it faster.

Chase after it.

His chase ends when he arrives in the building's underground parking lot.

Before him, in the distance is a boy.

Whistling. Dancing just like Shuichi was moments before. A portable cooler and a box-sized stereo next to him blaring out the music on the concrete.

The boy dances alone. He dances with absolute confidence, his head shaking, his arms turning around himself and swerving his hips. He 's well-built, handsome. Older then Shuichi is, but not by much. He's wearing sunglasses, a black trucker jacket, a deep red muscle T-shirt and track pants. A rolled up magazine curled under his arm.

The track skips.

The boy taps the stereo once with his shoe.

The music starts to play again.

Then he looks up. Notices Shuichi watching him.

And he smiles.

"Hey there!" The boy calls out to Shuichi. "Like the jams?"

"Yeah!" Shuichi shouts back. "You ought to turn it up!"

"Another man with good taste! " The guy's broad good-looking smile is apparent- even at a distance. There is something sticking out of his mouth that looks like a long thin cigarette or a toothpick. "You into Nittle Grasper?"

"Into them? " Shuichi yells. " They're the best band ever."

"Fuck yeah they are." The boy nods with approval. He points at and asks Shuichi in a testing tone. "...What's your favorite song?"

"Predilection " Shuichi calls back .

"Well, what you'd know! Mine too! Lets skip to that one!" The other boy bends down and skips to the right track on the player. "Taking requests now!"

The boy glances at Shuichi from behind his sunglasses.

"Well, you might as well join the party. Don't just stand there baby. Want a drink? " He beckons Shuichi over with a welcoming grin, a quick flick of the hand. " Have a sec bro? Come the fuck over here."

Shuichi considers it.

Taking the offer will stall him from going upstairs to Yuki.

And possibly Shuichi can make a new friend or acquaintance.

"Sure."Shuichi assents.

As Shuichi approaches, he sees what he thought was a cigarette in the other boy's mouth is the stick of a lollipop.

He also sees the boy's sneakers have gold metal spikes on them.

They are the coolest shoes that Shuichi has ever seen.

"...Nice kicks man." Shuichi says admiringly.

" They are sweet, aren't they? They're the real deal too. Just like I am." The boy declares with a roguish grin.

He pushes his sunglasses up his head suavely.

"I'm Taki Aizawa. " The boy extends his hand out. "And you are?"

"Shuichi Shindou." Shuichi takes it.

They shake hands.

Taki has a powerful painful grip "Nice to meet you Shindou."

The next thing he gives Shuichi is a ice cold bottle of sake from the cooler that he unscrews for him.

Shuichi looks at the bottle.

The brand looks unfamiliar.

But he doesn't care.

He would drink anything at this point to alleviate this constant anxiety, to wash away his recent mental anguish. His grinding sense of solitude.

Shuichi throws the bottle back.

The smooth sweet sake dribbles down his throat like a salve. A few drops leak down the corners of his mouth, trickle down his neck, and soak into his shirt.

He drinks about a quarter of the bottle in one fell swoop.

"Thristy eh?" Taki watches him amused.

"Yeah." Shuichi wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "Thanks dude. I needed that."

"Seems so." Taki's black-red lollipop squirms between his teeth. He knocks the candy from side to side of his knowing smirk. "Haven't seen you here before."

" Are you here alot?" Shuichi takes another long alleviating swig.

"Yeah. Yeah Yeah. My old man owns the building. I just keep an eye on it for him- and I do my business here. Undisturbed. A perk of being a building owner's son. I'm the _unofficia_ l property manager." Taki Aizawa cocks his head in a far off direction, sucking his lollipop with mirthful relish. "Being _the good son_ and that."

"Doesn't sound too bad." Shuichi remarks.

"Not at all." Taki thumbs behind himself. "And those two guys behind me are my look outs. Ma-kun -and Ken-chan. They're buddies of mine. They're here all the time. We mostly dick around all day."

"Wish I could do that." Shuichi sighs.

"Maybe you can. " Taki calls out to the sidelines. "Introduce yourselves to Shuichi."

Two other boys turn to them with matching apathetic expressions, from their plastic folding stools and fold out table, where their playing cards are scattered. Under the table a barbell set and a chest expander lies there. Their set up has been partially hidden by a cement pillar.

The taller guy is shirtless, in a pair of sunglasses and a pair of jeans with snarling tigers embroidered on them, his pot-belly hanging heftily over the waist band, his hair gelled in porcupine spikes. He raises two fingers to Shuichi in a peace sign

The other boy is raw-boned and shorter, with long beached blonde hair, wearing a sleeveless pink t-shirt and white shorts. He nods at Shuichi from where he sits.

Shuichi raises a hand in greeting.

"So,what brings you to my neck to the woods?" Taki turns towards Shuichi and claps his hands together. "How can I do you? You like to party, to have a good time?"

"...Who doesn't." Shuichi replies unthinkingly.

"Now thats what I like to hear! You came to the right place then." Taki takes out a baggie full of pills from his pant's pocket. He shakes the bag in front of Shuichi's face. " You need supplies?"

Shuichi stares back blankly at him.

He realizes what Taki is.

Why he's in the underground garage, with two other guys as 'look outs'.

He's a drug dealer.

Shuichi reminds himself again: that he isn't in a good part of town.

"No... I mean... I'm ...cool." Shuichi tries to look unfazed, although he knows that is how he must emphatically not look." I'm ... just- making a delivery." Shuichi spontaneously lies and gestures to his bag with the takeaway food in it. "I'm a delivery boy."

"Oh yeah?" Taki Aizawa puts his pills back in his pocket. "To what unit."

Shuichi knows he should not hesitate to answer.

But he instinctively knows it is not a good idea to tell Taki where he is going.

Shuichi thinks: Taki must know this building well.

And if Shuichi makes up a unit name or number that doesn't exist, or isn't occupied, Taki will know he is lying.

Which will be even worse.

"...It's ...one of the lower floors. " Shuichi mumbles.

To stall, he takes another long drink of the sake.

Shuichi notices just then: (being a lightweight) the drink decides to hit him all now and fast, the drink churning in the center of his near empty stomach.

He also realizes: he's not slept in two days.

Comprehending this, Shuichi starts to feel light, hazy, liquidy, hyper aware of everything, and for that reason, more uncertain of himself and slightly repulsed at the realness of reality. Because of that, his vision is beginning to see-saw, and the vile taste of sake- flavored back-wash wafts towards his mouth. Sweat prickling on his forehead.

Shuichi can't think of any other number or letter of any other unit he's seen.

He wonders: Why didn't he pay attention?

Its too late now.

"It's unit 5E." Shuichi admits.

"That one?" Taki's smile doesn't waver, but his eyes narrow at him. " You've ever made a delivery there before?"

"...Once or twice." Shuichi audibly swallows.

"Really?" Taki's smile widens little by little. "That guy in that unit... he's a little fucked up isn't he?"

Shuichi stares back.

"... I wouldn't know." Shuichi tries to keep his face and tone expressionless. "...I just knock on the door and then I go."

" Alot of freaks and low lifes in this place. Good to know you have a destination in mind, because this building isn't a good place to get lost in ." Taki say frankly, eyes Shuichi up and down. " A pretty boy like you? You ought to watch your ass around here because looks like somebody already got to your face, and your hand too."

Taki asks him. "What happened to it?"

"I just ran into some...bad luck..." Shuichi looks away. "I got... into a fight."

"Its only bad luck if you didn't win." Taki says knowingly.

"I didn't win..." Shuichi says truthfully. " But I didn't lose either."

"Interesting answer." Taki crosses his arms. " Why you'd fight."

"..." Shuichi 's face twists at the memory.

"I thought a friend of mine had my back... but I was wrong." Shuichi admits, staring at the floor. "He ...broke his word."

Taki pats him on the back.

"Atta boy. Then the backstabbing sack of shit got what was coming. Don't bother with remorse,and never feel guilty for standing up for yourself. Anyone who breaks his word and betrays his buddies isn't a man at all. He's a rat. And with any rat, you got to be a beast Shuichi, and swallow the fucker whole even if it claws all its way down or corner it and stomp it. As long you made that fucking turd bleed a little and got him better than he got you, that's what matters." Taki tells him assuredly.

"So... you're a student Shuichi?" Taki's hand remains on his back. "This job your spending money?"

"Nah. I'm not any kind of student." Shuichi mumbles. "I'm... not... cut out for that."

"No. You 're cut out for better." Taki tells him softly.

Shuichi looks up at Taki.

Its the first encouraging thing he has heard in some time.

"Let me see what you got there. " Taki abruptly snatches the bag out of Shuichi's hand with the lunch in it. He looks inside it. "Oo. Looks good. You bring enough to share?"

Shuichi stands there, hands empty.

"Just kidding Pinky. " Taki winks,and hands the bag back. "Just had to make sure you weren't bringing anything _off."_

Shuichi thinks: thats a statement considering the guy just offered him drugs.

"But fair is fair. " The older boy crunches the remainder of his lollipop and spits the chewed up reddened stick on the ground. "Since you showed me yours, I'll show you mine."

Taki takes the magazine he has rolled under his arm and opens the page in Shuichi's face.

It's a porn magazine.

On one page is a woman lying down with her legs spread open, touching herself.

On the next page is another woman squeezing her gigantic breasts together towards the camera.

The unexpectedness of the sight makes Shuichi blink.

"So what do you think? Whats your predilection Shuichi? You think her pussy looks better shaved or not? What about those fucking titties? "Taki puts his finger in a very intimate place on the printed page. "You think they're fake or real? "

Shuichi's jaw drops open .

"My opinion? It doesn't matter cause I like them big. " Taki tells Shuichi, grinning enormously. "Because they're better for titty fucking."

Shuichi watches dumbfounded, as Taki then puts his face on the page and licks at one of the images.

"Look a magic trick! I made that pussy wet." Taki holds the magazine up.

Then Taki pokes his pinky-finger through the spot of moistened page, poking a hole in it.

Somewhere, the two other guys laugh.

That only increases Shuichi's shock and embarrassment.

"Uh...thanks for the drink Taki...but I don't have time...for this- "Shuichi stammers, red-faced.

He sets the sake bottle on the ground.

When he tries to turn around, Taki steps in front of his path.

"Why not Shuichi?" Taki's big grin doesn't budge. Like it's a wall. " Hey! What's the hurry?! I'm just trying to be friendly! But what, you don't appreciate my generosity? What, are you a faggot?"

Shuichi stops in his tracks.

With the sensation of his body running cold again, like a trickle of death running down his neck.

Taki continues, grin unchanging. "Because I don't give a flying fuck about a fag mostly because I fuck them up before they can try and pull anything, until all that's of them is a blood stain and some remains of their limp wrists, if they're lucky... Infact, there's nothing more that I hate than a fag except a pussy - except a pussy fag or a fag pussy! But is that how you roll Shuichi? Do you like gargling balls, being rammed in the ass Barbie? That float your boat sweet-cheeks?"

The other two guys laugh again.

"...No. I'm normal. I ...like chicks as much as the next guy ..." Shuichi says, trying to smile agreeably, his face drained of color. " And I appreciate it Taki -but... I ...just remembered that I'm already on thin ice with my boss... and I got to make my delivery on time."

"Of course I understand that. But with that pink hair - alot of people are liable to get the wrong impression. That hair can attract all the wrong kind of attention, making yourself a beacon to all sorts of _creeps._ " Taki leers and looks Shuichi up and down again. "But my mistake. No hard feelings right? We're cool? "

"Yeah." Shuichi croaks. "We are."

Taki swings his arm around Shuichi's shoulder. "And I can respect your look. Pink looks good on you. It takes a certain ... confidence for a guy pull that off. "

Behind them both, the blonde boy with long hair snorts. "Ha! Pink doesn't look as good on him as it does on me!"

The blonde boy calls out snidely in his wheezy voice. " Nothing would! Why are you even talking to that 90 pound weird little bitch Taki? That pansy isn't cool enough to suck the air in our perimeter! That puny loser looks like one fucking fourth of a pussy, the other three fourths garbage. I take bigger shits than the whole of him, like a chewed up stick of bubblegum. I could stick him under our table for fuck's sake. In my opinion, he wouldn't last five minutes out here, less than one with me around."

Shuichi glances at the blonde boy glaring at him.

Taki raises one hand in his direction.

" No Ma-kun. Weren't you listening? I wasn't talking to you- I'm talking to my friend Shuichi here. Or did you forget the fucking rules? Rule one: Taki Aizawa can to talk to anyone he wants however the fuck he wants." Taki says in a low voice.

"RULE TWO: WHY DON'T YOU shut your FUCKING YAP Muff-cunt! What I'd tell you about not talking out of TURN you fucking retard?! I didn't ask for your fucking opinion, but if I needed a whiff of some shit laden air I'd stick my nose up your sister's asshole! But if needed your input, I'd give you a sign alright! " Taki explodes at the other boy over his shoulder, his eyes bulging. "But we don't need a sign because we all know trash cans can't fucking talk! Let alone interrupt ME ! And in my opinion is I've taken better looking and smarter shits than you- and seeing that's the case- I CALL the shots in THIS perimeter and who gets to fucking BREATHE in it. Or are you going to keep testing my PATIENCE today or do you want me to USE your mouth as my personal urinial, or would I rather make sashimi out of your already fucked up face ,or slice off your MUG off and use it as a jock strap, if you'd have enough of a pock marked hide on you to cover my cock! Who the fuck are you to comment on anyone's fucking COLORS choices, or are you a dick smoker or something?! Making comments about his look- look at you- or what kind of fucked up mirrors are you looking in lately?! You understand that you're not any kind of a connoisseur- when you're look more like a condom in a-sewer! Or did the bleach they use your two real hairs get into your eyes too ? I tell you- you should have drank the rest of that bleach you PIECE OF walking TAINT! And I'm warning you you're about to be WRECKED in 10 seconds, so why don't you do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up, before I kick you back up your mother's cunt and staple her shut?! OR DICE your cock up and sell it by the gram on the black-market?! Grind your bones into dust and snort it?!"

Ma-kun looks away sullenly. "Shit. I was only kidding Taki."

"Don't kid with me, because you're not SMART enough to do that! " Taki snarls and points at Ma-kun with the magazine. " LEARN to open your mouth for what it's good for, laughing at my jokes and swallowing your father's wad! Or I'll have you hanging by that hair, and cut off your balls in your SLEEP and shove them down your throat as your ball gag - if I could find any balls on you to cut off!"

Taki turns back to Shuichi and sighs as if exsperation. "... I apologize for his rudeness there. See, Ma-kun's already jealous of you. Mostly of your balls, because he doesn't have any- and because I respect your look. Just like I respect your dedication to your job.I'm the same way. I'm a very driven and dedicated individual. But you ought to know that you always make time for me... and I always have the time for you too."

Taki instructs to the big shirtless guy. "Why don't you be hospitable and show your tattoo off Ken-chan."

Ken-chan -(sunglasses still on)- turns around.

There is a tattoo printed on his back of his neck that says ASK in dark script.

Without being asked, Ma-kun raises his arm, and shows off an identical ASK tattoo on his bicep.

Lastly Taki steps back. Slides down the top of his pants.

There are the words ASK tattooed above the thick wiry thatch of his pubic hair peeking past the waistband.

"For the whores, when they ask for it." Taki boasts. " More like _beg_ me for it."

"You like our style?" The older boy pulls his waistband up. "Do you want to know why we all got the same thing inked on us?"

Shuichi doesn't say anything.

"Individually, you know our names. Together as a crew, we're ASK. Our name ASK is on us as a symbol of our brotherhood, a proof of loyalty to eachother. But do you want to know why we're called that? " Taki continues. "Because what we ask of one another, we give. And people are always looking to us as the answer to their problems. And when I ask people a question, people always answer me and give me the right answer, that I want to hear. And when they ask of me- I answer them in kind. So let me ask you something Shuichi. Are you a snitch?"

At least Shuichi can say this.

"Thats the last thing I am." Shuichi states quietly.

"What are you then?" Taki demands.

Shuichi says."...I'm just a guy who make deliveries."

"And before that?" Taki asks.

"Before that I was a dish washer. Stock boy. Bagged groceries..." Shuichi recounts in a mumble. "A waiter. Worked in... construction for a week...And I was a janitor for a while."

" That's it? And thats all you'll ever be? " Taki studies him. "A no one barely paid to do the trivial shit nobody want to do? "

"Its the way it is. "Shuichi says as stoically as possible. " Somebody has to do it."

"Truer words never spoke." Taki grips a hand on the back of Shuichi's neck. " But... if only people were as dedicated to their jobs as you and I are- and I'm sure, at least, you probably get a gratuity occasionally- maybe on the sly, don't you ?"

Taki's smile suddenly drops.

His mood abruptly changes. " But I don't. My old man doesn't give me _shit_. Do you think that's fair? Given how hard I hustle, my entrepreneurial sprit and how through I am when I patrol and take care of his building?" Taki says impatiently. " _Well?"_

"...No." Shuichi says in a small voice.

" You agree with me then? Don't you think for all my trouble I ought to be given some incentive. I mean what does a guy have to do to make a fucking buck around here? I just want to make sure things can go smoothly for you and my tenants. Thats my other job, because if you won't be my customer, I want to be _pals_ with you Shuichi- because then I can have your back and make sure nothing happens to you as you move my territory so you can do your little job and leave just how you came in. Because this territory - belongs to me and whatever goes on in it, is my business. " Taki leans in."Or else, there's might be a real problem for you ...and honestly, I don't want there to be any problem for you... You seem like a alright guy having a decent afternoon. It would be terrible for you it to be affected in some way. I don't want things to proceed in any un-fucking-civil fashion and I know you don't want that either Shuichi. I don't want my new friend here to have any trouble, least of all my buddies back there, cause in spite of our petty disagreements, they're loyal and they're jacked. I don't think you want that either. Or do you? "

The other two guys stand up.

Shuichi realizes how big they are.

And one of them has a bar bell in his fist.

When Shuichi tries to move, Taki's grip tightens on the back of his neck.

It hurts.

"Or _do you_ ?" Taki says pointedly.

"No... Lets... be... friends Taki." Shuichi croaks.

He grabs the remainder of his birthday money from his pocket and offers it to Taki.

Taki stares at the money in Shuichi's open hand. Then at him again.

"Look at your face." Taki claps him on the back."You're... hilarious."

Taki throws his head back and points at Shuichi."He looks like he's going to piss his pants. I could piss my fucking pants! This guy!"

All three members of Ask laugh uproariously at him.

Shuichi shudders and blushes, face knotted.

"I'm just _fucking_ with you man. I'm not pulling anything on you. I mean FUCK! What kind of guy do you think I am?!" Taki hoots.

Shuichi says nothing.

Nevertheless, Taki snatches the money in his open palm.

"But since you're offering, I appreciate the token of your friendship! Better make that delivery. Before you're late!" Giggling,Taki shoves the skin magazine into Shuichi's hands. " But take this gift as a souvenir for having good taste in music - with my regards. Lotion not included!"

"You know what- fuck it, let me give you a taste, just because you made me laugh so hard right now." Still snickering, Taki takes a few pills and places them in Shuichi's outspread hand. "Don't be shy, if you want to try them out, or pass them to your friends, courtesy of Ask! And if you don't have friends, nobody is loved more than the guy who brings the party with him. This is the real thing Shuichi. It will make you feel like a rock star. Better than one! Like you could lever the world off the tip of your dick. Oh the fun you'll have!"

Shuichi stares at the pills in his open palm.

With Taki watching him, he puts the pills in his pocket.

Then Taki steps forward.

"I hope I see you again Shuichi. Call me crazy but...I do _like_ you." Taki says smiling, dark eyes set upon him.

Taki steps back "...And I get the feeling that you and I may have a lot in common. I know how tough it is being on the grind, being ratted out. I can sympathize even... You must get sick of having to eat shit, and getting jack shit for it, feeling like a good-for-fuck all. I know how it is. It's a bitch, thats what. And I can tell you- I was once like you- well, I was never as low as you are - but still- I have a story." The older boy confers to him. "You like stories Shuichi ? "

Shuichi says nothing again.

"You'll like this one. " Taki crosses his arms . "A while back I was once more on the level. Like you. I went to job to job- you name it, I did it. I was car mechanic, I worked at a gas station,a fast food line-cook, in construction, a bartender in a dive, or working in a jip joint,stocking trucks, always these shitty part-time jobs, causal contracts or no contracts at all, dead-end gigs, because the moment they even smell 'trouble' or you and you start asking for some more money, you start to be an _inconvenience,_ and there's another slobbering broke fearful fucker to replace you, isn't that the truth? And those old bitter farts, those bloodsuckers in charge would just give you hell and abuse, and use your fucking... manhood, youth, and energy until you couldn't be used anymore. And everybody was cheating the fuck out of each other too. The mechanic would always overcharge. Everyone at the shop would steal the merchandize. At the bar, they told me to water the drinks down. Our bosses would cheat us. Give and buy substandard materials, pocket the rest or use it for other jobs, make us pay for our uniforms when we were supposed to get them free, and more of the fucking same- on any given day. And job after job, I didn't have enough to buy a pack of cigarettes, not even enough to buy food and get to work on the same day, and since my old man kicked me out- and I had no place to go, not enough to even sleep in a fucking morgue... and I was squatting wherever I could, and that was my life... "

The boy scowls. "Oh but this last job had Shuichi... now _that_ was the last fucking straw. Not only was it was a shit gig, I had a boss who was the mother of all fuckers. He was a rat-faced megacunt who deserved to have his kidneys ripped from his asshole but you'd have to yank his greasy head out to get to it first. This backstabber fucked me over by promising me a better wage, and when I started working for him, he paid me me only half as much because it wasn't on paper, and his word meant nothing. And he had his whore twat girlfriend always hanging around, who was supposed to work too but wouldn't get off her ass and do anything because her huge teardrop tits were weighing her down - the kind that are always trying to bust out and cause girl's back problems - because nothing is sexier than a chick with tit- related back problems. The face- eh, only so-so. But the fun bags- you could see her big nipples pointing straight at your eyes like the dials to motorboat city, and her skirt riding up so they were halfway up her ass... you could tell she never wore any panties and she always good to go- like a bitch in heat, I mean you could hear her- and _smell_ her before you could see her, making me hard enough to hoist cinder blocks. And this dumb bitch would be always sitting around, when the proper seat for that ass of hers should have been on my face and for me, down her throat... Meanwhile this cunt boss would either be sleeping or getting high by huffing whatever he could get his hands on, or be in bathroom beating off, while I had to do my work and his workload to get anything done at all. And even worse, pay me late... garnish my wages on bullshit reasons- make up stories about me being late, not counting my times or giving me inconsistent hours, damaging my reputation, making me take the flack for his mistakes- when this fucking weasel didn't even know how to do his job. This arrogant piece of shit probably didn't know how to fuck his skank, where to stick his dick in, if he could even find his own microscopic dick on himself. Probably when he shot off, it looked like he was popping a pimple! And there I was- with his slut always coming onto me, begging for me to plough her bowlegged and lick her belly button - from the inside! And I couldn't do anything about this little prick-tease, because she was my boss's woman and I didn't want to lose my job! "

Taki growls. "But _that job_ Shuichi... I hated this job and could have burned the fucking place down, and could have garroted and buried every shithead there just so I could have the pleasure of pissing on their grave afterwards. And everyday I had to come in to this job I hated, when the sun was just coming in, and stay there until the sun went down. Worse, any time I had off was ruined by just knowing in a matter of hours, I had to go back to that cesspool and see those ugly bastards I worked with that I couldn't fucking stand... and sometimes I'd be so fucking _bored t_ here _,_ I'd think about setting myself on fire- just to have something to do... I could just feel the seconds of my life being shitted away- like tick tick tickedly tick fuck tock.. it had me _fucked up_ bro _._ Made me hate everything, hate the world -hate life itself. I didn't look forward to the next day or the next or the next or the one after that.."

Taki then grips Shuichi by both shoulders . "Now I'm going to tell you something important now. Hear me out, because this will be the most truthful thing you'll ever hear Shuichi. Are you listening? "

Shuichi stares back at Taki's unwavering expression.

" I realized- like alot of us- that no matter how many shifts I took, how many jobs I took, I'd never have enough to succeed. or afford anything. No security. No pay rises. I had no future. Maybe in time I would have enough to pay for my own funeral- if I stopped eating and drinking! So what was it for? And I realized... that everything ... that everyone ever told me ... was _fucking BULLSHIT!_ " Taki barks sergeant-like in Shuichi's face, making him jump slightly. " Think about it. No matter what age you are and what you're doing, you're always forced to do these little pointless things that you don't want to do- that just waste you away. And why?! Because some dick-in-the-ass piece of shit said so. Since you're a kid, they drill you from school- school is built like a institution, like juvie, which is built like a work place- which is built like a fucking jail- where the definition of doing good as defined by the fuck faces in charge is 'do what we SAY kid, because we know best- though we don't do it ourselves. Do it because we own you. Because we get to dictate everything you do- what you eat, what you wear, how you speak, everything in your waking hours and we even tell you when you to sleep and how long. Even your thoughts we want to police and get rid of, and replace it with our own. And you don't like it, tough shit kid, we fuck you up.' And people wonder why kids are shit to each other- because we hate the adults, like how are adults hate their jobs and hate their bosses. Where do they think we learn to be backstabbing assholes from? We're are all thrown together, constantly pit against each other like inmates in prison, constantly trying to shank eachother in the back to get a leg up! So much now, that 99.9 of the people you come across are nothing but SCUMFUCKS who will fuck you for no fucking reason!"

Shuichi doesn't move, eyes wide.

"But it goes as follows!" Taki continues, near salivating with rage. " No matter what age you are, you have a phony in your face telling you:' Do this, do that, be a good boy, bend over, be a docile crack, TAKE another HUGE steaming helping of the SHIT BUFFET ' And me? I saw no point to it in the light of the facts man! I thought: How was it, that this fucking D-bag was in charge and getting laid and I wasn't'? Why should I be expected to work myself down to zilch, when it didn't guarantee me any okay outcome? When I was supposed _lick boot_ , and be treated like human waste in return? I couldn't follow that fucking logic- with the cost of living so high, the opportunities so small, and jobs being shit- being a _stand up_ guy, working hard, or playing FAIR doesn't fill your stomach or cover your fucking expenses, or gets you ass anymore! And when I asked why I wasn't getting anywhere, people said I was stupid, or lazy, or that don't work hard enough. But it JUST wasn't true! I was working my fucking ass off to not even get by! And I was just as smart and talented as the people in charge, the only difference was I wasn't lucky enough to be in charge! The point was bigger than that, its not about how hard you work, they set this fucked up scenario, where you always miss out, and get a loser's mentiality, so you feel unworthy and start to feel GRATEFUL for what they were supposed to give you in the first place. Take notice : You'll find in any given situation, there's always someone chosen to be the chump and the punching bag, that one poor little bastard who gets picks on- who does the work, but gets no cred, someone everyone ranks themselves up from there- pretending like the GAME isn't fucked from the get go! All this success and being the GOOD guy was built all these fucked up phony pecking order cause its not enough that someone's good, someone's got to be fucked into smithereens, somebody got to go under. Think: How do you think people in on top get there? By being nice honest guys? By making _friends?_ No they got there on our backs, by fucking people like us over, because its not enough they can buy and sell us and play with our future like a game of Go but they make us suck their dirty assholes too! And then they make _you_ feel bad for not playing by their rules- when they're the ones with all the cards and they're STILL fucking cheating! And what was I going to do try in the face of that? Bow and scape, simper for a better position? To sit around with my thumb up my ass and fucking _boo hoo hoo_ about it, just roll over and die? Hope that somebody might give me a life and some fucking respect when everyone else was being the worst SHIT possible and getting ahead for it?! That was about as effective as being an enucch in a prick measuring contest! ' _Oh yeah- do what's right, and things will work out for you!'_ You might as well believe in fucking fairy tales my friend! Its more likely! No, it wasn't going to happen, no matter how hard I ground myself down, and sold myself short! And oh- there's nothing's worse to a man's self -respect than having to beg - and still be refused, am I right?!"

Shuichi stares back at Taki.

"Yeah! You get it don't you! " Taki declares vehemently. "So fuck that,! I fucking had it! No! I wouldn't accept that blank check and no, I wouldn't swallow any bullshit or be anyone's sucker anymore! I didn't buy those false promises by a bunch of low-down liars who didn't give a FUCK about you and ME , I promise you that! You know a guy who does what he's told, who plays by the rules and just _hopes_ for the best? Its just another word for a pussy, a bitch at the bottom of the totem pole, a chump who's being played! I said to myself, I was sick being pushed around, being fucked up the ass, of being _told_. If I want something, why shouldn't I have it? Why should I let anybody get in my way of what I want whenever I want it?! Why should I have to follow by the rules when I can MAKE the rules?! "

"So I decided to work for myself, to be my own boss, because it wasn't enough to keeping rubbing my dick on everything when nobody was looking- and I made my mind to quit... and that day, I gave myself what I wanted and what I deserved. I just went for it, and pounded the boss's chick in the bathroom, fogging up the mirror, by pressing up her face against it so she could see herself get off, wearing her panties over my face like a face mask. I played with her pussy was a rubix cube, once I toyed with it, it was never was quite the same, and by the end of it, I had her in fucking _love_ with me. After I told her I'd call her- which I never did. Later I went up to my boss and said "I quit. And by the way, I banged your slut too, I sucked her pussy so hard, I left hickeys on her poon- delicious! " And I waved my pickled fingers in his face and sucked them one by one right in front of him. And as I left, just for the hell of it, I slashed his tires, I broke his windows and pissed on his scooter. And it ... felt just right, you know? It gave me that warm rosy feeling inside. There was nothing more satisfying." Taki smiles brightly.

Shuichi still says nothing.

"But the lesson I'm trying to impart to you Shuichi... is it wasn't about just pissing on his scooter seat or fucking his girl...it was about having a say in your own destiny. It was about not being _fucked._ " Taki says to him intently. "You understand?"

Shuichi looks down at his feet.

He nods.

"Yeah you do. You say thats the way it is and has to be? But its _not._ Don't value yourself so low! Stand up straight." Taki punches Shuichi hard in the arm. "Keep that posture up! Chest out. Shoulder BACK.! Look me in the eyes when I talk to you! Command respect! Take up the space. Do that! Keep your stance! Don't be weak! Its eat or be eaten, fuck or be fucked, and trust me, it always better to eat and not be fucked! If you act like a bitch, thats how you'll be treated!"

Shuichi stands up straighter.

"See. You're doing better already!" Taki commends him. Clapping the sore spot where he just punched him. "I can show you the way. I don't just talk the talk. Don't you know? You do in fact like pussy? Some friendly advice Shuichi: Then don't be one. Women like guys who aren't a whiny little bitch, who don't sit on their fucking hands, who can pay for them and do things for them. They _really_ like them. Ever have your dick sucked by two chicks at once? I did, last night."

"They sucked our dicks afterwards." Ken-chan mentions as an aside.

"Yeah they did. Fucking whores. We gave them them lock jaw." Ma-kun adds. "Those fuck-holes will be shitting and puking jizz for a straight week."

Ma-kun and Ken-chan laugh again from their chairs.

"And a good looking guy like you? The chicks we know will _rip_ you apart. But its more than that, we share everything. Money, chicks, the good times and if any- troubles too. Once you're acquainted with the Ask family, you're never on your own. Someone's always keeping an eye out for you. You say your luck is bad? Consider it changed, since you met me. Because people never come to me or this place _by accident_. I think... that you're here for a reason. And I think I can figure out what that reason is. You see... an mishap can be a opportunity. A set back can be a step forward. It's all a matter of how you look at it. Now maybe... I don't seem like the nicest guy, or some might think- but hey its not a nice world we live in pal! " Taki grins, arms outspread." In truth, I can be your truest friend, the nicest most trustworthy guy you'll meet ,to people who are nice to me, to people who want to help me- I help them. I'm just that kind of guy. Deep down, I want to help people and make the world a little better, starting with _you_ Shuichi _._ You got a problem ? I'll hook you up. Feeling bummed? I can bring you right the fuck up. If your friends are shit- fuck them, let me have your back. Family fucked up? Don't worry about a fucking thing. Ask for us, and Ask will be your answer! The three of us- we all eat well, we just have a good time, we enjoy ourselves- and we take good care of each other."

Taki outspreads his arms even wider, grin beatific . "Ask- we're a family! One big happy family. All for one, one for all, isn't that right boys?"

Ken-chan and Ma-kun nod in unison.

"So, what do you say Shuichi?" Taki asks him. "Do you have anything to ask me? Any problem you need Taki to sort out for you? "

Shuichi is silent.

"...I need... to think about it." Shuichi finally utters.

"Yeah. You _think_ about it." Taki nods, his hand pressed into Shuichi's shoulder. "You don't have to answer me right now. But I always get an answer eventually. And let me give you a hint, I don't take _no_ for an answer."

Shuichi looks back at him.

"We'll do this again ...by that... listen to some more Nittle Grapser sometime?" Taki smiles down at Shuichi again.

"Yeah." Shuichi croaks. "Sure... we will Taki."

"Good meeting you Shuichi." Taki lets go of him. " You know where to find me. I'll be seeing you soon."

As he leaves, Shuichi hears the music turned up again.

From the corner of his eye, he spots Taki whistling, dancing again.

Chippier this time.

* * *

After he gets to the right floor , Shuichi races as fast as he can down the hall.

When he arrives, he nearly skids past the door.

In stopping, he narrowly avoids falling down and then props himself against on the doorway.

Once situated there, he bangs frantically on the door of Eiri Ueusgi's unit.

"Mr. Uesugi! Its me Shuichi Shindou. ...Again... ! I came to check up on you!" Shuichi manages to call out, in between ragged gasps. "I'll just wait here... until you answer or open the door!"

After a long minute, the door opens slightly.

After a second Shuichi dares to looks up.

Eiri Uesugi is there.

Shuichi is immediately hit with instant dizzy nausea at the sight of him.

(Or it could be the sake swirling in his system.)

Moreover, Shuichi is still breathless. His legs under him quaking. Drenched with sweat. Along with visible pit stains.

His heart is racing.

Even his palms are wet, and sweating.

Even more shocking, he sees Eiri is wearing new glasses.

The glasses he bought him.

"... _Mr. Uesugi_?"Is all Shuichi can utter.

His voice actually breaks when he says it.

Upon hearing it, Eiri starts to close the door again.

"Wait!" Shuichi erupts.

To Shuichi's surprise, Eiri stops.

To stare at him.

Shuichi stares back.

Shuichi thinks desperately : If only he were physically stronger, he could knock Eiri Uesugi unconscious and carry him out.

Or maybe if he were smarter... he could somehow out-wit and persuade the older man to follow him out.

He can't do that either.

But if he can get Eiri Uesugi to talk to him, eventually Eiri may come to trust him.

Once Eiri trusts him, Shuichi can somehow help him.

Or convince him to get himself help, without breaking his promise.

But that entails Eiri Uesugi giving him permission to come in- or getting Eiri to come out.

In order to do that, Shuichi needs to prolong the conversation.

"Uh. I just wanted to...thank you for... opening the door..." Shuichi begins shakily.

Eiri doesn't close the door.

He only eyes him with growing suspicion behind it.

"... As I said, I wouldn't come in again unless you wanted to... " Shuichi clears his throat. Straightens himself. "So I would like to ask permission ...If you could... Please let me in."

"... _Why."_ Eiri demands hoarsely.

Shuichi cannot think of any good reason.

" I want to see your collection!" Shuichi erupts.

Eiri cranes away from him. More unsettled and suspicious than before.

Not knowing what to do, now Shuichi bows.

" ...You've collected a lot of things- and I want to see what you've... archived. And ...I didn't know if you were hungry, so I have some food... if you'd like some... I'm sorry to trouble you... and I know- this... might not make any sense to you-but I'd... prefer not to talk to you... outside the door like this..." Shuichi says hurriedly.

Shuichi bows lower. "..S-sir."

There is a long silence.

"...Humph. " He hears the older man grumble above him. "...Don't... want you in the hallway."

When he looks up, the door is slightly ajar.

Dumbstruck, Shuichi stumbles inside after him.

Amazed that it worked.

When Shuichi comes in, Eiri takes a look out in the hall, moving his head side to side, to check if there's anyone in it.

He shuts and locks the door behind them both.

After that, he shuffles through his pathway to his beat up arm chair.

Shuichi follows him. Unsure of what will happen next.

Eiri picks up a abstract painting in a cracked black frame leaning by his foot rest.

"This is an art piece... the artist gave to me as a gift. I ...thought it was ugly, but it'd be... discourteous to throw it away." Eiri says tonelessly, holding the painting up as if he is giving a presentation.

Shuichi's stomach falls.

He realizes Eiri Uesugi actually intends to _show_ him his things.

With a sensation of feeling sick , Shuichi forces himself to look at the painting.

At the lines. Intersecting little circles and squares. Its soulless colors.

Eiri then puts the painting down. Eyeing it with propriety sternness.

Then the writer snatches up an leather eye- designer glasses case lying besides it. "...I won this eyeglass case years back as a table prize."

Shuichi's mouth remains closed.

Shifting a bit, Eiri picks up a upturned chipped ceramic bowl near by in his other hand. "And this was a bowl... I got it on my travels year back. I would put ...collectibles in it. There's a matching cauldener that goes with it ...which I can't find it anymore."

The former writer puts the chipped bowl back down, the eye glass case in it.

His gold eyes flicker around, looking for something else.

" And I need new some batteries for this portable radio." Eiri grabs up a dead alarm clock radio and shakes it- to listen for the rattle of batteries. No noise is made. "Other wise ...it still works..."

Shuichi watches the older man puts the useless radio on top of a overflowing basket , and then lapse into a congested coughing fit.

As he coughs, Eiri steadies himself with a hand on a open cabinet, thats balanced precariously on another lower dresser.

'...And this.. I found this cabinent, with all its cubicles intact ...abandoned by the side street. Not a scratch on it. I detest waste. So I brought it up here. There was nothing in the compartments." Eiri pats a hand on the side of the cabinet. "Its emptiness... annoyed me. It looked... incomplete. So I had to find things to put in them..."

Eiri and Shuichi both stare at the overflowing cubbies

"...But perhaps... I do have a unorthodox approach." Eiri comments. "And... I'm still looking for another cabinet to match it ...and to display some other objects ...that couldn't fit in this one... "

The older man finishes. "Obviously ... it's still a work in progress. "

Shuichi gives Eiri Uesugi an incredulous look.

And the thought arises in Shuichi with a sudden spooked clarity:

The man really is _insane._

Grasping this, Shuichi takes a step behind.

He bumps into a tripod behind himself.

"...You have a ... _telescope_ in here?!" Shuichi snorts disbelievingly, when he recognizes what he' stepped into.

The other man freezes him with an angry look.

"Yeah. You damn brat." He demands. " Don't knock it over."

"Ok. Ok. Sorry." Shuichi steps away from it and near whispers, ducking deferentially. "I... didn't mean to. I won't."

The older man's expression calms all but slightly at that.

Shuichi then contracts his limbs to himself, trying to make himself as compact in the crowded space as possible.

It doesn't seem to help.

There is still far too much around them.

"..."You could tell me something about every single thing in here,couldn't you?" Shuichi announces in stark realization.

He realizes he surrounded by all the contents of the man's life. That every object and part of this room contains some remnant of him.

Overwhelmed, Shuichi tries to take it all at once.

He looks back at the cabinet again. On the top of it, coat hangers. Reams of paper rolls. A hollowed out Ostrich egg. A shortbread tin full of buttons. A dusty expensive looking portable backgammon chess and checkers set. Two pewter bird sculptures that may be book-ends.

By the bird sculptures, a yellowed stack of postcards of various landmarks of Japan, and from different countries. One from Barcelona. Rome. Paris. London. Sydney.

The most prominent post card - is larger than the rest- of New York- the famous sights of the Empire State building and the Statue of Liberty plainly visible on it.

Shuichi's eye ends a faded photograph partially concealed under it..

Its a photo of Eiri Yuki- but not any photo.

An old one. Of his younger self- the Golden Boy, smiling radiantly in what looks like a park.

And he's not alone.

Next to him, is a brown-haired man smiling besides him.

Having seen this, Shuichi averts his eyes away.

Meanwhile Eiri kneels and picks up a paperback book.

"And the books... compose the majority of my... collection. The history and biographies over there..." Eiri mutters, waving half-hazardly in general direction of various stacks and boxes. " Fiction. Subcategories... Mystery. Science fiction. Romance. ... then there's historical fiction. It's at the boundary. "

He gestures to the other side of the space. "In this area. Poetry. Anatomy...Astronomy. All areas of my interest..."

The former writer's voice fades.

"You ... actually know ...where everything is in here?" Shuichi asks disbelievingly.

" Generally I do... but I eventually I will have to... re-organize. " Eiri puts the paperback down. "...If there's time ."

"...You've read _all_ of these books?" Shuichi asks alarmed.

"No." Eiri reports. " But ... I'd say the... majority of them I'd say I have. Or looked through."

"...Wow. Thats pretty... " Shuichi winces. "Uh."

He can't think of any intelligent way to finsh that sentence.

" _Strange."_ Shuichi gulps. "But what else do you do, when you don't have people over... or get out much huh?"

Eiri gives him a offended look.

Shuichi cringes. " Sorry. That was... rude.."

Shuichi keeps talking, just to say something else. " But... like I said, I don't read very much... unless its comics... and even then, I only bother to read the captions when you really need to. It's faster anyways. That way you can read it in the store, and you don't waste a bunch of hours or have to pay for them either."

Eiri somehow looks more offended at that.

"...Do you... happen to have... any comics here?" Shuichi says abashedly.

The older man's stare bores though him.

"I guess you don't. " Shuichi shrugs, wincing. _"Well."_

He reallizes he's never been so nervous. And that's after near drinking a bottle of sake. Trying to make conversation with a 'hoarder.'

Although he's still not sure what a 'hoarder' is. Or how to converse with one.

How is this going to happen? Shuichi thinks in bewilderment.

How is he is going to get Eiri Uesugi to trust him, and not want to throw him out if he tries or suggest anything?

It's not possible.

He might as well give up.

But he cannot just yet.

Keep talking to him. Keep the conversation going somehow, Shuichi tells himself in utter panic. almost mouthing it silently to himself. He thinks: But how does conversation work again?!Come on, THINK! Think harder! _Say anything._

Tell Yuki the truth even!

Tell him that his secret may be in jeopardy. Or already out!

Shuichi realize he is staring at the other man. Again.

Eiri is staring back. Completely unaware of what may happen to him.

Shuichi opens his mouth.

He cannot bear to tell him.

"How ... did you get all those ...books?" Shuichi manages to say instead.

Eiri looks away as if to think how to answer.

"Most I have collected over time..." Eiri states. " Others I ... inherited."

"...From... who." Shuichi asks, teeth grinding excruciatingly. Sweating again. His hands digging into his sides. He is barely able to concentrate on the conversation they're having, like an immolation of guilt.

Eiri doesn't answer.

Instead, the older man stares at him again.

"Is that a porn magazine you're carrying?" Eiri asks without any change in demeanor.

Shuichi's eyes widen.

He forgot he was carrying it,

"Yes." Shuichi admits, bringing the magazine to his chest." Yes it is."

Eiri Uesugi stares at him, with that same perturbed frown behind his glasses.

"Its not mine- or anything!" Shuichi sputters, heat crawling up his neck. " Its not like I bought it for myself ...or for you ... I don't mean any ... disrespect to you! Someone gave it to me- as a joke and I forgot I-was carrying it!"

Eiri Uesugi's skeptical expression doesn't change.

Under Eiri's stare, Shuichi only shrinks more.

Could anything happen, to make this moment more horrendous and humiliating ?

"I don't have a girlfriend." Shuichi blurts out unthinkingly.

After that, Shuichi smacks a hand over his face.

Why did he have to say that of all things?!

"Alright." Eiri says indifferently and waves a hand aside. " Put it down."

Shuichi obeys, and gingerly puts the magazine down, still cringing.

This time Eiri Uesugi regards him with a new expression.

Something like curiousity.

At least, Shuichi thinks desperately, that's something.

The man stands up from his kneeling position.

"...You... smell ...like booze." Eiri says slowly.

"You can smell it? From there?" Shuichi says. Surprised the other man can smell anything in the mess, other than the rancid smell of cigs and whatever else is around them.

Eiri nods.

"Thats because I... drank something before I came up.' Shuichi admits truthfully.

The bearded older man says nothing to that.

"...Somebody gave it to me alright." Shuichi adds somewhat defensively.

Eiri turns to looks at him again. With that same inscrutable blank expression.

It slowly morphs into a expression of indecision.

Finally, he lets out a fatigued harassed sounding breath through his nostrils, as if to make a disagreeable inner- concession.

"...What ... happened to your face kid?" Eiri mumbles.

Feeling suddenly self-conscious about that, Shuichi attempts to cover his marked face with his hand.

Then he remembers his hand is also bruised.

" _Nothing."_ Shuichi mumbles, shoves his hands in his pockets." Nothing. ...I .. just got into a... fight. That's all. "

The man glares at him harder. "With who? Taki?"

Shuichi gapes. "...You... know him?"

Eiri says nothing to that.

Shuichi asks wide-eyed."...Is Taki... really the building owner's son?"

"Yes." Eiri says.

Eiri then says. "Taki is a persistent presence here. He has connections throughout the building who are on the take. They report for him on the goings on. Try and find people who come at a predicable time. He... targets them."

"...Is he doing it to you?" Shuichi asks nervously.

The older man doesn't answer.

"...Mr. Uesugi... I'm sorry... but I have to tell you...that Taki Aizawa guy... is... _weird_... _._ He said some things to me, and some of it... made sense in a way? - but I think there might be something... _wrong_ with him. " Shuichi confesses breathlessly. "And he has those two goons in his ... Ask... gang ...Thas just another reason why you need to get out fast."

"Idiot." The former writer says grimly. " I can handle myself. Its... you who should be worried."

"Taki doesn't approach people unless he thinks they're easy prey or easily persuaded. Or ... if he can get something on them." Eiri eyes Shuichi again. "...Did he approach you?"

Shuichi stops.

He thinks of Taki messing with him.

But then, he also defended him from Ma-kun.

He thinks: of Taki giving him the drink and the mag. Taki also took his money... buti gave him those pills.

(Which Shuichi feels very aware of taking, as they are residing heavily in his pocket right now.)

As an exchange?

Shuichi thinks confusedly: was he just robbed... or tricked into buying drugs?

Or was ...Taki just being friendly?

Shuichi realizes he's been quiet for a long time again.

"He just... introduced himself..." Shuichi finally replies.

"You have to go now." The bearded man says finally. " And you can't come back again."

"...Because of Taki?" Shuichi asks hesitantly.

"No ." Eiri says matter-of-factly. "...Because I don't want you here."

"If I want to go somewhere... I will." Shuichi attempts to state with false bravado and feigns a shrug. " It's not a big deal. I don't care. I'm not... scared of them or anything."

"Yes you are." Eiri says curtly. "I can see it."

The older man coughs once again.

"About year ago in this building... a guy - was found, roughed up, dead at the bottom of the fire escape stairs ... with a broken neck. They never... found who was responsible. With so many people -constantly coming in and out of the building, and no ... cameras...no proof. They... couldn't conclude anything about what happened. It was a ruled an accident." Eiri states.

"That's..awful." Shuichi croaks.

Eiri looks away.

"...Why are you telling me that?" Shuichi gapes.

Eiri says nothing again.

"...You ...think it had... something to do with... _Taki ?"_ Shuichi's jaw drops as he realizes it.

When Eiri doesn't reply, Shuichi continues unnerved . "...Taki seems ...like a total bastard and a show off. And yeah, his friends seem like... stupid assholes too.. but you really think ...he would be... capable of doing something as _...terrible_ as that?"

"You don't know what people are capable of." Eiri says.

Shuichi says. "...I would _neve_ r do something like that."

"Ofcourse not." The older man sighs, as if exasperated again. "That's why Taki would target you."

"And why doesn't Taki ... target you?" Shuichi asks uncertainly.

The breaded man states. "Because Taki's afraid of me."

"He is?" Shuichi gulps. "That's ...kind of... awful."

"Thats the way the world works." Eiri says,calm.

"If thats true... then... I should be afraid of you too..." Shuichi 's eyes widen.

"Aren't you." Eiri says.

They stare at each other for a moment.

Just then, the door booms, shakes with a enormous pound or kick.

Eiri and Shuichi simultaneously turn to look at it.

"OPEN UP" A wheezy voice shouts behind the door.

Shuichi recognizes the distinctive voice.

It's Ma-kun's .

Eiri's eyes widen. "You _lead_ them here?"

* * *

TBC...


	7. Chapter 7

My God.

 _Reviews?!_

 _..._ I was not anticipating that.

I thought I would lose you all for sure...

Honestly... are you all being... sarcastic or something and I'm just not smart enough to get it? LOL.

Seriously though... I am shocked.

Not to belabor this introductory section, but I feel as though this format is conducive for a embarrassing and self-indulgent disclosure, (but I do have a obscure need to make a fool of myself as evidenced by my writing, so why not?) I started Golden Boy, expecting it to sink like a stone...for obvious reasons...and between the anxiety, struggle and incredulity of writing it, I ultimately thought,'ah, nobody will care, I'll just post it anyways ',assuming it'd be ignored, or if I did get happen to get any response, it'd be extremely negative... So... for people to have read it, and reacted like they have...(even after the last crazy chapters ) I'm amazed- and humbled and touched...and _surprised_. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you all so much. I love you guys. I can't say it enough. Gratitude doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about you lending me your time, favs  & follows ,encouragement and insights, but know I'm always humbled to receive them, and how lucky I am to have them. I do this for you. I know there are a lot of mistakes in this fic... and to call this story 'boot-leg 8-bit 'quality would be a understatement, but as I'm just too damned stupid to give up and it seems the general consensus is to continue?, I might as well keep on grappling with this ungodly mess because I've already gone this far right?

But ENOUGH excruciating rambling, the TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter includes: depiction of mental illness, hoarding, social anxiety, a potential medical emergency, generational conflict, mention of a parent physically hitting and humiliating a child.

And as always REVIEWERS, I will personally thank and respond to your reviews because each one of you are to be acknowledged and celebrated:

 **Hellsbunny:** I love your username and I'm so thrilled and delighted that I have you as my reader! Thank you so much for your lovely review and for supporting me as I take this creative risk! Your kind words mean so much to me and your positivity does not only just keep me going with this story- it reminds me why I began it in the first place. I write not only because I'm a fan of Gravitation, but to hopefully create an original and exciting story for someone to enjoy or be engaged in, so it is a real honor and a pleasure to hear that you've enjoyed and are invested in this fic. It feels so fulfilling that I could add to your day or night somehow and I hope that you will keep reading even if you have to wait until after work to do so ;)! I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long for this chapter and that I can keep you excited for whatever comes ahead as I keep on keeping on for you. Much love to you my friend!

 **SunnyDe-** I was ecstatic to get a review from you SunnyDe and I am so happy to hear what you're extracting and enjoying about this story, yeauhhhh! XD Most of all, I especially value hearing feedback that can improve my writing too-so thank you so much! That's the whole purpose to post online because you can have that immediate and honest exchange with your readers,and you can discuss about the developments in the story together... and I can't wait to do that with you ;) As for the exchange with Hiro, I did want to pose an kind of moral dilemma with his ' offer 'to Shuichi, and I was curious to know what readers would think. I do like to try to create stories that allow room for those kinds of discussions and I very much liked hearing your perspective and getting to know what you conjecture what is going on 'behind the scenes'. And I completely get what you're saying about Taki- and I got you too, I appreciate it, and appreciate you for saying it ...Taki cat- and mousing Shuichi and scoping him out and all-out bragging may have been just too much and draggy as hell...Sorry about that and I'm glad you got through it. Honestly, there's a lot of stuff in Golden Boy that I wish I could go back to correct or change ...so many regrets LOL. But I'm always dissatisfied with my writing, and I always re-read it later and yell at myself, ' _argh % &^*&$ why did I do that_?' or ' _damnit, I need to fix that up.'_ I want to be do best I can while still growing as a writer and not losing my nerve LOL. Thanks for being patient and for bearing with my struggles- I hope I can keep you interested in Taki's character in a believable way and ASK and what role they might play in the story's progression. You mention the lack of romanticism between Shuichi and Eiri, which is part of why I'm surprised that people have responded with such open-mindedness to this fic, given that the romantic and sexual connection between them is pretty much assumed and expected - but I hope to introduce that element of the unexpected into this AU- so I can't say anything about that... yet. Mwa-haha. You also mentioned about reading about Eiri's hoarding disorder. The fact that Eiri is stripped of all his glamorous' qualities - as a isolated hoarder literally entrenched in his illness,brings a different tone and whole another sadder and darker element to this fic, which I thought people would shun with a vengeance, so the fact that this issue can be explored and people want to read more about it, once again I'm really grateful that you all are willing to take on that more unusual interpretation with me. And yes, of course, obligatory scarrrrrry Eiriiii, LOL. Let's give an big appreciative nod to that classic fan-fic trope everywhere, can't venture too far from that! Anyways, I am deeply appreciating of your readership and support and hearing from you always makes my day sunnier. Hope to hear about this next chapter if you have time and much love.

 **Bakayaro Onna** \- A thousand thanks for making my wishes come true by reviewing twice! I was delirious with joy -I felt like I won the review lotto LOL. You know how I rightfully bow to you and treasure you and your precious thoughts- and sorry because I tried to be concise as possible but my response to you is going to be long, so maybe you should grab yourself a Pepsi ,and get yourself comfy baby because this is gonna take a while LOL. I got to admit: writing that fight scene in ch. 5 was tough. I think it was because as much as Hiro and Shuichi hurt each other in their fight, they hurt themselves in the process too. The physical altercation almost seemed like an after-effect to a emotionally brutal exchange - and there's a saying that a fight can only really hurt when it's with people you care about, as they know what pushes your buttons and there's something at stake, and I wanted to get across that Hiro and Shu weren't holding back for that reason. Also thank you so much for your help with my appalling spelling mistakes... I need all of the help I can get there. And I apologize, I can't do it... by that I mean I ...cannot spell weird. Its so _weird_ isn't it, ha ha? (Yeah. Collective groan, boos and hisses, flaming javelins in my direction! Come at me ff net. that's right, end my misery! ) I'm pathetic, I admit it ...but I can't...while reading about the weird beige neighbor... you should have seen the expression on my face, the utter bewilderment and confusion on it... _what?!_ Were you speaking... french?! Even now, reading it again, I ...still don't get it LOL. As you can probably gleam ...I don't have the brightest lighthouse of a intellect, so please keep helping me with all my eye-bleedingly easily avoidable mistakes as I'm certain there will be many more of them...and please don't give up on me though I'm clearly hopeless... And I don't know why I'm so mean to Shuichi ...the poor guy! He did nothing to deserve this. I know readers probably want to straight up throttle me for what I've done to him lately (or just want to throttle me XD) and I don't blame them. This story tortures him just as it tortures its poor unsuspecting readers. I feel terrible putting Shuichi through all this, because I love his character but I love you readers as well and yeah, sorry to subject you to ..whatever this is ... And this was my first time fully portraying Taki Aizawa and Ask too. I wanted to push myself as a writer there and for that encounter to serve as a kick to the already derailed story cart. I've always felt the need to profile Taki's character in an more in-depth way but I admit ...it was a painful process delving into his disturbed mindset. Later I was concerned that the threatening nature of the situation and with the sheer ugliness and offensiveness of Taki's dialogue might have been triggering and upsetting for some readers...so I raised the rating of the story and tried to warn everybody beforehand... but I'm very glad you got through it. Thank you for your positive feedback because it wasn't easy for me to write and I know it wasn't easy to read either.. I'm sorry about the skin-crawling reaction -I wish I could send you some soup digitally to clear that up. I'll try pouring some boiling hot soup over my keyboard, that ought to work! LOL. And God... you're talented . A extraordinary writer and an artist in every sense. And somebody with goals...and with a rich vocabulary too. I know this may sound ... funny to say, but it was just so lovely to hear that about you (I love art and artists). If I were you, I'd just be basking in my own glow, blowing my own mind, congratulating my self on that. I know you're extremely busy, but I love to read anything you'd post and I'm just so happy to hear that you feel inspired to create more of your gorgeous gorgeous writing! If my scrawling somehow played some part in that, mission accomplished... but honestly, I don't see how. Maybe like a conscientious objector type thing ? I could just imagine you reading my shit groaning "No, god, make it stop- thats it, I must write - as an antidote to this joker!' LOL If you find yourself with the time... do not withhold your splendor from our sight! Your stories and your creativity are amazing , and on another level, your own level, the god-level, and honestly the real reason I have not reviewed your brilliant work is ... because ... (arghhhh,this is mortifying but entirely the truth) is sheer cowardice, I didn't want to expose how ineloquent I am -in regard to praise- and didn't want to embarrass myself when I reveal what an imbecile I am in front of you..but it's far too late, it must be well known to you by now. Lol.I'll wait however long and be first to read whatever you write. Much love and admiration to you my inspiring friend.

 **Kateriarellano2-** I'm so appreciative of you because you are always so amazingly positive and encouraging in your frequent reviews, and you have been so supportive throughout and since the very start! I'm always so happy to see a reader like you return and that I can have the privilege to create something for your enjoyment. So yay, thank you and love forever!

 **ShekiahLover** \- I can't even express my adoration of your feedback and of you! Your review was so wonderful and had me so gobsmacked with flattery, I want to take it, have it written in calligraphic script, and frame it! What have I done to deserve your beautiful favor you fantastic angel of ff. net ?!Why are you so good to me?! LOL. As you said- I do want to keep this story 'fresh' and unexpected, like you never know what might happen, and having to make new assessments with the characters. Likewise, I like how you recognize how Ayaka and Fuijisaki would deserve an apology from Shuichi- but that there's also a difference between wanting an apology- and wanting somebody's wholesale degradation. I always appreciate and admire how you have empathy for both sides and are always compassionate, perceptive and fair in your assessments. Thats my favorite thing about your reviews besides just how well-written, observant and thoughtful they are. :) Now you got me reviewing how much I love your reviews and you! ;) It was invigorating and a little scary re-interpreting Taki Aizawa and the re-imagined Ask dynamic, but every character has been drastically 're-vamped' for the purposes of this story and I'm really glad readers are giving me that lee way to do that. Especially since Taki and Ask were not an expected appearance. I've never written anything specifically about Taki or Ask before, and often I've felt like you're not really 'permitted' to examine Taki's background or motives in fics(because he's just used as a catalysis or a plot device) , or to reconstruct Taki ' bad-guy' role- (sometimes it seems like Taki's instantly sexualized, bashed or rehabilitated- or all three, not necessarily in that order lol). Likewise, it's true that even 'villians' can exhibit heroic' or charismatic qualities-and have a compelling story, that is if you even want to call Taki a villain at this point! Taki's ruthless' attitude and his completely un-idealistic philosophy on life, as reprehensible and repulsive as it is, can also be a rallying cry against victimization, and a empowering message too. I'll definitely take your advice about Taki's dialogue and space it out. I have to go back and edit a lot! I know how annoying and frustrating it can be when text is claustrophobic, or overcrowded. And I'm so happy you noticed the part with Eiri's new glasses! So happy! (You're the only one who mentioned that ,you know that?! ) And truthfully writing the parts about Eiri's hoarding are always the saddest parts for me - and it only grows tougher as the story goes on, but you and readers like you have given me that push and strength to continue so... thank you and I'm so glad that I can keep going for you and hopefully please you! Much love and warm wishes.

 **Aisha-Yan** \- Ayeeeeee, welcome back my buddy! Return to that good sweet old-school Gravitation love, because don't you know this fandom is like the mafia- just when you think you're out of it, it pulls you back in ?! Haha ! I was just stoked about your review , thank you for taking the time to let me know your fantastic thoughts! It made me even happier that this rather unusual story could make the re-visit to this section worthwhile. That's makes me it all worthwhile for me! I hope you enjoy this chapter and that you keep coming back you beautiful reader you & love ya.

 **Morlana-** Thank you so much for your lovely review baby but awww... I'm so sorry to make you cry! I wish I could take those tears away. :( Oh god, why am I always making people cry with my writing?! Is it that terrible?! Argh, what is wrong with me?!I know what you're saying about Hiro and no, you aren't mean! Not in the slightest.. I think Shuichi would feel the exact same way as you do, and it's only natural to want things to get better for him. His focus on Yuki may be a part of that... it means so much that you shared your thoughts and feelings about this unique story. Thank you for being so extraordinarily kind and encouraging me on this journey. People like you keep me writing...much love...

* * *

They both stare at the door

"No!" Shuichi erupts. " I didn't tell them anything! I didn't mean to-"

Eiri clamps a hand over Shuichi's mouth.

" _Shut up."_ Eiri whispers harshly in Shuichi's ear. " _They can hear us."_

They both stare at the door. Eiri's hand pressed hard and firm over his nose and mouth.

There is a brief second of reprieve.

Nothing happens.

Then a thunderous boom.

The door is pounded.

Harder and harder.

Until it is kicked against its hinges.

Shuichi flinches and trembles uncontrollably, his back pressed tightly against Eiri's chest.

Breathing raggedly agianst Eiri's calloused palm.

And the other man's breathing close to his ear, is just as sharp and rapid as his own.

The next thing that Shuichi is aware of is that he being pulled, dragged backward.

Eiri walks them both through the refuse.

At certain points Shuichi stumbles over something, only to have Eiri 're-right him on his feet and bat, thrust him onwards.

Without a word, Shuichi is shoved roughly in to a bathroom.

Not only does it reek, the bathroom is as crammed with things as everywhere else in the apartment.

Except for a small circumference around the toilet.

Even the sink is piled up and full.

Shuichi attempts to scramble himself back up.

Eiri only pushes him back in.

 _"What are you doing?!"_ Shuichi hisses back at the older man _._

Eiri silently starts to close the bathroom door on him

Shuichi attempts to rush the door, pulling back on it with all his body weight.

"Don't Mr. Uesugi- I can't let you face them just by yourself _-!_ " Shuichi gasps and tugs other side if it by the knob. _"Please!_ Don't go out there!"

Eiri pushes him roughly by the forehead back in.

Shuichi falls backwards, crashing and collapsing backwards through a dingy streaked curtain (and nearly taking the curtain down with him) painfully into a shower stall full of junk, books and boxes, tumbling them over on himself.

Eiri points at him.

" Don't move. _Don't open the door. Don't. Do. It. Don't even think about it._ _"_ Eiri growls, under his breath. "Or you're _dead."_

He slams the door.

Winded, Shuichi lays there, covered with refuse, and thinks about it.

Paralyzed.

After hearing that, he considers: it's a possibility that he is no safer, or better out there with Ask in the hallway then he is trapped in here with Eiri Uesugi.

He stops. Tries to listen.

Tries not to look around himself.

For an eternity of minutes (or seconds), Shuichi sits there silently and still as possible. Too afraid to think. Or breathe.

He hears nothing. He can't imagine what is happening on the other side of the door.

He doesn't know what will happen.

He doesn't even want to know.

It was not long ago at all ,Shuichi realizes, in this epoch of suspense, he had once had a decent and normal existence.

He had had a job, a best friend, his safety intact.

If he presently had the luxury of reflection, he might have envied that unknowing person he was a few days before.

Staring at the ceiling, he never anticipated that he'd be here in this position. That anything like this could remotely happen to him.

He never anticipated it was possible. To even feel this way.

Like reality is unravelling.

Like his brain is on fire and every molecule in him wants to scream and flee from his body and consciousness and join another's, begin again, somewhere, anywhere else.

When the door swings opens, Shuichi flinches. Prepares himself for the worst.

Protects his face and head with his hands. Still sprawled out in the mass of books.

Hesitantly, (still trembling) he looks up.

Its Eiri. Barefaced.

He says. "...They're gone."

"They are? They left?! Are you alright Mr. Uesugi? " Shuichi gasps. " They didn't ... do anything to you did they?!"

"Why would they." Eiri sighs. He puts his new glasses back on from his pocket. He casts something that looks like a two by four in his other hand aside with a clunk. "And what could they do."

Shuichi lets his face fall into his hands.

Overwhelmed.

That sickening terror from earlier is unable to subside. That stupid infuriating helpless feeling of being less-than upon him again.

Powerlessness. Confusion.

Of being out-matched... out-manned - by both Hiro -and now by Taki- Taki's horrible voice and grin and laugh still razing his senses, like a sucking wound to his mind.

And the realization driven in him like a stake through his chest: that he left Eiri to face whatever was behind the door by himself.

Shuichi moans into his hands. "You must think I'm ...such a... _coward_."

"I don't care enough about you ...to presume what you are." Eiri Uesugi snaps. "You ... helped ... me. ...I did you a favor. Now ...we're even."

Shuichi looks up. Face crumpled. Eyes welling with tears.

The older man smacks the side of a doorway. Like how you might shoo a dog. "Now go on. Get up brat. "

Instead Shuichi folds in on himself.

"Come on. Get your ass going. You can leave now. No one will bother you on the way out." He hears the former writer instruct impatiently above him. " Hurry up. I don't have all day here."

"No. I can't- "Shuichi chokes. "I can't... just leave you here"

He hears Eiri growl."Then if you won't go willingly- I'll take you out."

When Shuichi sits there, still, tearful and despondent, until the older man gathers Shuichi by the arms.

Launches him up onto his feet and pushes him roughly forward.

"Go the back way out- no one will see you." Eiri snarls. "And don't come back-"

"-NO-NO stop- ! Your shower is full of books." Springing into action, Shuichi responds with wild protests. A torrent of tears gushing freely down his face. Pushing back as Eiri starts to drag him out by under his (still wet) arm-pits and by around his mid section. "How do you... take a shower?!"

"Use the sink." Eiri grunts.

"NO! NO! NO! That's not ... good!" Shuichi gasps and struggles in the other man's crushing grip. Arms flailing and kicking, growling crazily with exertion, he grabs the bathroom doorway and clawing his way back in- frantically tries to grab a book on the way out. " You helped me-so let me at least... move the books out so you can use it!"

" Don't bother. The shower doesn't work properly! " Eiri snarls agitatedly,grasping and pulling Shuichi out harder until the younger man is lifted up, elbowing, and kicking off the ground. "And LET GO OF IT- !" Incensed,he rips the the book from Shuichi's hand."What I'd tell you- about _touching_ my things!"

In the process of the book being torn away,Shuichi accidently elbows him in the side of the face.

Falling back, once hit, Eiri stops speaking- and staggers away .

To lean against the door way. Forearm over his eyes. His face deathly ashen.

"Mr. Uesugi." Shuichi says alarmed. He wipes his dripping snot and tear-wet face on his fore-arm. ".Did I hit you-?! What's wrong? You alright?!"

"Its... nothing" Eiri pants. His forehead and one of his palms pressed against the bathroom doorway. "...Its your ...carrying on brat... its... giving me a - a- "

Eiri's knees suddenly buckles.

He begins to tilt forward. Eyes rolling back.

He collapses.

With a grunt of impact, Shuichi launches forward and catches an armful of the former writer's slack form, his blonde scraggly head falling limply in the crook of his neck.

"WOAH- you're alright! I got you!" Shuichi cries out. Not knowing what else to say. He stumbles to press them both against the bathroom door way, and bears the dead-weight of the fainted man in his arms and upper- half. "Its OK! I got you, I got you-"

It's not the truth.

Terrified, Shuichi has no idea what to do now.

Or in any medical emergency.

He doesn't know how long he can support the other man's weight either.

 _'Ah God! What do I do. What do I do?!'_ Shuichi thinks in a panicked mantra, the two of them tilting and listing to one side like a sinking ship, Eiri still unconscious, slumped and slipping down in his arms. ' _What do I do?What do I do?!'_

Just before Shuichi can panic entirely or drop him...

Eiri stirs.

Shuichi nearly shouts out loud in relief.

Attempts to help Eiri upright himself.

The former writer, meanwhile coughs, doubled over. Tries to elbows him away. "No. Back ...off me... Don't... touch me. I'm... fine. I ...just need a cigarette."

"Thats the last thing you need!" Shuichi tries to grab Eiri again by his forearm again, his other hand futiley hovering over him, in an attempt to keep him still. " And I already told you to smoke outside!"

"Like I'm going to ... listen to you. " Eiri smacks his hands away. " Get out of my goddamn face brat."

"Fine ,I'll give you some air- but you don't need to smoke. " Shuichi retorts. "Let me just walk you to your chair, come on-!"

Finally Eiri stops struggling. Panting again, hands on his knees.

Shuichi uses this as the opportune tiime to sling Eiri's arm over his shoulder.

With only slight resistance, he unsteadily helps walk Eiri to his chair. Nearly falling down several times on the narrow precarious path and taking Eiri with him.

Breathless, he helps him sit down.

Shuichi doesn't know what to do now.

Remembering regrettably that mad image from earlier, of somehow knocking unconscious and heroically carrying Eiri out and inwardly swears at himself. Some plan!

He then wants to zip off his hoodie to swing around the other man's shoulders, but he's not wearing a hoodie today. He considers fanning the other man with his hands, but thinks better of it. Not knowing what good that would do. But figuring it'd be considered annoying.

"Wait." The younger man gulps, eyes slightly wet, and throat still raw. "I'll try and find you some water..."

Shuichi suddenly remembers his plastic bag of food he brought, lying abandoned somewhere on the floor during the earlier panic. To possibly distract Eiri from wanting cigarettes. " Hold on- I brought some food too."

Shuichi then- darting carefully around, manages to find the plastic bag.

It had fallen near where they had both been standing while the door had been railed on.

He -sheepishly- brings it over. Deciding the take away lunch in it might still be alright, given most of the food were in their own containers.

He hands Eiri a bottle of water, that was included from it, which he ignores.

Shuichi then offers the bag itself to him.

"No." Eiri growls. Pushes the bag away. "I told you...Don't take handouts."

"Its not that. Its... was for myself. I just so happened to bring alot." Shuichi lies. "...And it's not a handout. Its... payback ...for doing me a solid right now."

He mutters. "I'm not going to poison you or anything."

Shuichi grabs the frist thing he can easily get out the bag. It's an onigiri with an ume filling. "See?"

Although the odious smell of the room makes it difficult to eat, Shuichi peels off the plastic off the seaweed and bites into one.

Trying not to heave, he finishes it under Eiri's churlish gaze.

"See. There's ... also a whole bunch of onigiri in there, with different fillings- nozawana, tuna, cod roe - sorry, I just ate the umeboshi one. but there's probably another kind you want." He says jittery, grabbing another onigiri and offering one forth to Eiri, trembling hand outspread."...Do you... uh...want one?"

The older man continues to stare at Shuichi resentfully.

Seeing Eiri has no intention of taking it, flustered, Shuichi puts it back in the bag.

"...Maybe that's not your thing. I didn't know if you were into... western food or something else... but I also got a tonkatsu set with rice, I know it's basic but I figured it was pretty safe ...nobody dislikes that...at least I never met anyone who doesn't. It might be cold and messed up by now because I dropped it...but there is a salad in there. Some pickles. "Shuichi goes on apologetically, looking in the bag, now slightly perplexed and embarrassed by the amount of food he bought. "A soup-"

Eiri pushes the bag further aside again.

Not giving up, Shuichi takes out a box from the bottom.

"...What's that." Eiri stares at a small clear box Shuichi takes out.

"That's ... a strawberry short cake." Shuichi mumbles. "...It came extra."

Without exposition, Eiri snatches the box out of Shuichi's hands.

He claws the box open, and throws the lid aside, ignoring the disposable fork that came with it.

He grabs the ludicrous pink cake with his fingers and then crams as much as he can fit in his mouth.

Its surreal.

Watching the once 'golden boy' eat. More like wolfishly scarfing the cake down. Crumbs and frosting on his lips and beard, the cream and filling smeared all over his fingers. Which he nosily licks off.

And apparently, Shuichi thinks, even more absurdly, he now knows Eiri Yuki has a sweet tooth.

Eiri glares at him." What the hell are you looking at."

"...You have... something on your face." Shuichi utters.

Eiri finishes the rest of the cake. Does nothing to clean the crumbs or frosting off.

"...You can't stay here." Shuichi finally says.

"No. As soon as I catch my breath... You're leaving. " Eiri huffs. " I'm not going anywhere."

"But I just... can't ...leave you here." Shuichi says hoarsely. "You ...look _terrible."_

Eiri glowers at him.

" I mean ... You're not in good health. You're ...coughing all time! You just ...passed out right now." Shuichi says worriedly. "I'm sorry but... I think I should take you to the hospital."

"I'm not going anywhere- let alone to any... _fucking hospital-_ No. I'm not having to fill out forms... having... people _examine_ and prod at me ... like I'm a cadaver in an autopsy." Eiri coughs gutturally . "Those places... are miserable... death traps."

"...Then what do you call this place?!" Shuichi gapes.

"This place is my home." Eiri says. " By... choice and necessity."

" ...What do you mean by that? " Shuichi says confusedly.

The other man only looks away.

"I'm sorry to ask you... but don't you... have any ... _money ?"_ Shuichi asks cautiously.

"Does it look like I have any goddamn money brat." Eiri says with a forlorn expression.

"But what... happened to it?!" Shuichi blurts out.

The former writer puts his head in his hands . "... I've been asking that myself."

Shuichi exclaims. "Then - if you're ... strapped for cash, why don't... you take some of what you have, and sell some of your...collection?"

He thinks: having Yuki look through what around him, could be a away of getting it clean. And it is possible that some of the things lying around could be salvageable.

 _"No."_ The older man shakes his head. "...I... _can'_ t do that."

"But why? You can't even get to and see everything you got. Nobody could read all these books and even use half of what you have." Shuichi argues, gesturing to what's around them. " So why do you have so much... of everything?!"

Eiri says pointblank. "...I might need it."

Shuichi looks at him, at a lost for words.

He tries another track.

" But .. haven't you've been working all this time, and writing all that... stuff for yourself? Why don't you just take it and make it into a book?" Shuichi exclaims." Somebody ... out there will publish it and pay you money for that!"

" _No."_ The former writer declares with bleak determination, head still in hands. "...I'm not... selling... anything of myself anymore."

"But you're a writer! That's what writers do! Write for money!" Shuichi snarls in frustration.

Eiri just stares ahead sadly.

"And think about all your fans!" Shuichi growls, haplessly thinking of the awful and ominous thought of Ayaka. Her teenage obession with the writer- now something laughable to her- and wonders how it's possible that someone could go from loving and believing in something so ardently, to ridiculing or discounting it altogether. " All your fans ... who remember you would go crazy! They loved that book, they made fan clubs for you, they even waited hours in line -just to get a chance to see you! And they've been waiting for YEARS for something new of yours to drop!"

If possible, Eiri looks even more dissuaded and discouraged.

"...I... _used_ to write... and what I've produced ...isn't up to my standard. I don't write for the _fans_... or for anyone's... approval. I'm not releasing... inferior material... for any reason. I won't ...churn my work... out like a machine or have it forcibly wrung out of me ...like it's threadbare entertainment fodder... to be consumed in the void of ... inconsequential stimulus. I rather _do nothing_ ...than ...something... sloppy and half-assed. And too much time... has passed. I've lost...momentum. No one... cares... no one remembers anymore. Assuming there was some interest, which I doubt there is ... there isn't no one out there who... _deserves_ to see it.I have no desire to compromise myself to pander to ... idiots. I 've... given enough of myself to them already." Eiri says with a bereft expression.

Shuichi gawks at him.

"...That's the DUMBEST thing I ever heard! " Shuichi shouts. " But you can't be THAT STUPID! Weren't you supposed to be a... _genius_ or something ?!

"... I ...resent that definition." Eiri mumbles, blunt and bitter. "The term ... is overused. Debased. A prefabrication of a preexisting paradigms... Moreover, its a meaningless and subjective accolade, like a... strangulating costume, another manipulative gimmick to sell more books like.. the manufacturing of cheap shock value for promotional purposes or calling the latest calculated money-grab a 'masterpiece'... _masterpiece._ There's no such thing anymore. Do... you see the execrable tripe they publish, the... regurgitations of the same stultifying formulas they push...the talentless fraudsters they laud these days? ... Calling someone ... anything has nothing to do with ...actual achievement, not when all art-forms- be it literature or anything else- prioritizes and is driven by a mercantile criteria or assessed by its marketability, rather than by its content or anything substantive. And whatever popularity it garners can't help but bias... it's reception. Once an art object or personality reaches a certain critical success... it hides behind it. It's notoriety becomes its own end and appeal. And once somebody arbitrary anoits someone a ' genius' or some other novelty buzz word...everyone jumps on the bandwagon like a ... disposable party hat ...that they pass along."

Shuichi stares at him, completely agog.

" More importantly," The former writer says wearily, hand fisted in his dirty hair. " I... have to maintain my integrity. "

"... _Integrity?!_ WHO CARES?! " Shuichi shouts. "Look at where you are!"

"... What would be preferable? That I be ...peddling some... pretentious-trash romance novels, to make up in sheer profligacy what the work lacks ...in quality, so I could drive some ... ugly lemon Mercedes and live in cold penthouse apartment... posing with my _designer_ shirt open like some...snake-waisted gigolo... bedding scores of desperate women in adherence to some ...degenerative tiresome cliché ?' Eiri looks revolted. " How... _repugnant._ I ... got better things to do with my time."

"And THIS is better?! " Shuichi snorts.

"Yeah." Eiri grunts. Arms crossed. "I think so."

Shuichi cries. "Everything you just said doesn't make sense... and it all sounds like a big...snobby excuse so you can give up-and don't have to get up or change anything!"

The former writer stares up blearily at him.

"And what are your proving by doing this instead?" Shuichi accuses him.

"And what are you proving by coming here ? You're not doing anyone any favors coming here because your Bad Luck group...didn't work out. By your own reasoning, you should still be making ... your undoubtedly... rancid and incompetent music regardless... of what happened to you.. " Eiri sighs.

"Woah." Shuichi's eyes widen. "...You were _listening_ yesterday?"

The author sneers. "You wouldn't _shut up._ "

Shuichi cringes, now embarrassed. "... Aw man...You... heard it all?"

"About your various setbacks and your intelligent friend who is probably studying to be a doctor-and your contentious relationship with your father- and your fatuous sense of destiny." Eiri mutters. "...Yes... Regrettably... I heard it all."

Shuichi's eyes narrow. "...Do you remember, what was my mix-tape's name?"

"Take your chances with _Bad Luck_." Eiri grumbles. "And you were right. It is a terrible title."

 _"Damn."_ Shuichi says slack jacked. "...You really ... _were_ listening."

"...Thats... not ...the... _point_ brat." Eiri rolls his eyes, and drags his hands over his knotted face. He starts to look like he's physically suffering, just by trying to continue this conversation. "This isn't the kind of place you can made your heartfelt confessions and mourn your broken dreams in the goddamn hallway, understand?"

"Oh yeah, if you _hate_ me so much, why did you hide me from Ask just now?! " Shuichi snaps.

Eiri turns to him.

He breathes hard. " _Listen to me_. Or are you even capable of doing that?"

Shuichi looks at him.

"You ... don't... understand, do you?" Eiri looks horrified, and also almost in awe. "How can you _be_ so mentally deficient... and manage to stay _alive_?"

Shuichi answers honestly. "...I do the best I can "

The older blonde man looks even more amazed and flabbergasted." It was a _rhetorical_ question...you _fucking idiot_."

"Hey." Shuichi protests in a small voice. " I don't like being ...talked down to. And don't call me that-"

Eiri grabs Shuichi by the collar of his T-shirt. Pulls him towards him.

Giving Shuichi no room to lean back, or take a step away, as his instinct would have it.

" Why I shouldn't I. That's exactly what you are." Eiri says, cold stare boring in him. " And there is no other way anyone with even an marginal intellect ...can make themselves comprehensible to you. I'd...might think... you were ... malicious, if you weren't so obviously... incapable of the higher functioning that malice requires."

Shuichi stares back, mouth open.

"...Do you realize ...what you've _done?_ " Eiri demands.

Shuichi says nothing. As he doesn't.

"You realize...by being seen and scoped out by Taki.. if they know you come here frequently- you've created... an association between us. If they see you in here, or find you loitering outside in the hallway, they'll know you _know_... something about me or they'll gleam that you... have some... .. _connection_ to me somehow." Eiri grits with a crazed gleam in his eye. " Something that they can _use."_

The older man somehow leans in closer. Close enough to taste each others breath.

"You don't know... how _far_ this goes. Or do you need to see it?" Eiri asks, voice frayed.

"...What do you mean." Shuichi says in a tiny voice.

"You do. You asked for it." Eiri looks terrifyingly urgent. Half-frightened himself. "Now you'll get it."

Eiri stands up from his chair. Rising to be, as Shuichi is reminded, much taller than him. Fist still twisted in his shirt.

Shuichi then remembers what Eiri said.

About Taki being afraid of him.

 _Thats it. This means:,_ Shuichi reaches the inevitable conclusion in catatonic horror as Eiri grabs him and starts to pull him downwards. _This insane ...hoarder guy is mad at me - and wants to make me disappear. I escaped Taki - just to end up like this. I'm 20 years old and this is how I'm gonna die. In this terrible place. They'll never even find me._

And worst of all, Shuichi thinks; probably no one will miss him.

He covers his face with his hand, anticipating pain. A finishing blow.

Instead, nothing happens.

Except, he is pulled down onto Eiri Uesugi's arm chair.

"Stand up on it." He hears the older man whisper.

Completely afraid and blank with confusion , Shuichi shakily does. Placing both feet- one each on each beat-up armrest. Wobbling. Keeping a tentative balance.

"Look." He hears Eiri says.

Shuichi near falls to his knees when he sees.

Near screams in pure horror.

"..OH MY _GOD!"_ Shuichi shouts uncontrollably, nearly falling down against Eiri's shoulder besides him.

He can see, by standing on the chair, there is a connecting, doorway- into the next 'apartment' next to his.

Although, the doorway is barely visible past all the other piled up hoarding of this unit.

From what little he sees, Shuichi can tell:

The connected unit is also full.

"...There's _...MORE?!"_ Shuichi shrieks unbelievingly.

" This is what I do...When a unit is full... I acquire the connecting unit- and I start again." The writer says near inaudibly.

Shuichi cannot bear to look anymore.

Slowly ,he sinks down. Into a curled, crouching position on the chair. Forearm over his mouth.

Fearing he might actually vomit.

In that moment, Shuichi regrets everything.

He regrets the job that lead him to 'meeting' Eiri Uesugi.

He regrets coming back, demanding an explanation for his treatment.

He regrets coming back- again to apologize. And again-and this time too.

Each time just increasing the need to come back.

He even regrets seeing the Golden Boy on the book jacket.

"Why." Shuichi closes his eyes tight, and shudders. " _Why_ did you show me this?"

"You wanted to see my collection?" Eiri rasps. " Isn't this what you wanted? Take a good look then."

Shuichi turns to look at Eiri instead. His hands gripped in his own pink hair. Rocking back and forth slightly. Mouth trembling. Eyes red and enormous.

"..This isn't a game or an exciting afternoon excursion for you ...This area... isn't your playground or a theme park. There's no... space here for some dithering irresponsible brat who's not cognizant of his actions and leaves sheer havoc in his wake. This time ...you were ...lucky. Next time... you won't be. I don't know where it is you can go- without causing ... a catastrophe- but you can't come here anymore. And you ...don't know me either. Look around you." The bearded blonde man scans his face up and down desperately. "I could be worse then...Ask are. _"_

"No you're not. " Shuichi says back at him hoarsely. "..You're not... bad Mr. Uesugi... I just think you're... really... _ill_. "

Eiri stares at him with that same stricken blank expression.

The same one when he saved him from the fire.

"And you ...need help." He swallows.

"...Maybe...you think." Eiri says finally, softly. "...But not from you."

"Why... not me. " Shuichi chatters. Stepping off the chair. Head spinning. " I'm...here, aren't I? Who else... do you got? Can't I... t-try at least?.. Am I... Am I not ... good enough or something?"

"You're not good enough for anything as far as I can observe. Being ' here' is not a... qualification..you moron. I rather you be somewhere else, bothering someone else- with the time and wherewithal to handle it. Its... irrelevant anyways. You ... don't owe me or any stranger anything. And why would you try and help anyone... who doesn't desire it or need it? And I don't find your... assertions sound or... credible... behind every seemingly simple and good intent... is something far less benign. Usually a deluded and cowardly ego... craving some... higher cause or validation whether it's warranted or not." Eiri sighs.

Shuichi stares back."...What's that supposed to mean?"

"Haven't ...you considered ...that in trying to _help_ someone... that you ...become the greater burden? " The former author mumbles, adjusting his new glasses on his nose. "Or that you're the one .. with the the deep-seeded... problem?"

Shuichi gapes disbelievingly. "...I'm the one with ... problems?! Look at this!"

"I'm not the one standing here half-drunk with the battered face, who feels needs to continually trespass into somebody's property, and vomit out their life story, now am I?" Eiri growls.

Shuichi looks away.

"...I got in a f-fight with the.. friend ... I told you about... but it wasn't ... my fault. I just... told him the truth and he didn't want to hear it- but if your best friend can't tell you the truth, he's ...worse than your enemy, yeah? I was... just looking out for him... but he didn't see it that way. Then he said ...this stuff about me. I couldn't stand for it. " Shuichi admits weakly. " That's why I look like this. As for my hand... I...punched a wall... because I was mad."

Eiri grits. "Now I've found out that you're an idiot who has nothing else to do but cause trouble and pick fights over... inane adolescent bullshit - and... throw tantrums and punch walls... for no fucking reason."

Shuichi looks down.

Ashamed.

He cannot explain the real reason why he and Hiro fought.

Over him.

"Nothing to say? That's even more pathetic. You don't have the grounds to help anyone . Even if you could... I don't have any plans of... _moving_ anywhere or _changing_ anything soon. I already told you that I don't want anyone's help. I'm a grown man." Eiri says stubbornly. "...I don't want anybody to interfere with ... my plans."

Immediately Shuichi wants to ask what his plans are.

Knowing that won't work, Shuichi tries another route.

"...Who...said anything about interfering?" Shuichi looks down.

He thinks of himself.

"...Don't you ... ever get ... _lonely_ sometimes?" Shuichi asks hesitantly.

Eiri Uesugi looks at him.

Then at the disastrous terrain of his belongings.

"No." Eiri answers. "I have this."

" But all this... is just... _stuff_. Its not the same as a person." Shuichi swallows. " Or... a friend."

"No it isn't. These things... enrich... my life. " Eiri states simply. "People... don't."

"...Why not?" Shuichi asks.

" I regard the prolonged presence of another human being as an imposition, a burden, or a disaster waiting to happen." Eiri glares straight at him "I haven't been proven wrong yet."

Shuichi grimaces.

"Moreover this... life suits me. " Eiri says.

"You almost DIED a day ago!" Shuichi exclaims.

" Whats the difference. " Eiri remarks.

" Maybe it wouldn't make a difference to you- but it'd sure as HELL would make a difference to ME! " Shuichi shouts.

The older man falls silent.

"You talk about having integrity- I got to have integrity too! Yeah, even a useless piece of crap like me has that! Like when that fire started, I couldn't JUST sit there and let you _be burned alive!_ I had to do something! Thats why I ...came back, not because I wanted to ANNOY you- but because I had to check you weren't ... dead at least! Because if I didn't... help you when I could have- I'd... FEEL responsible-" Shuichi cries. " And I couldn't BEAR to live with that!"

Eiri says quietly. " You're going to have to."

Shuichi erupts, enraged. "What kind of MESSED UP thing is that to say?!"

"I don't give a shit what you can or cannot bear. But is that is what you're doing? " Eiri sighs again, hand over his eyes. "Trying to ...entertain yourself, distract yourself from your... own contemptible life?Does it _put it all in perspective_ for you? Does it make you feel noble to use the _plights_ of others to draw all the attention to yourself like a goddamn parasite? Or are you just that bored? Does this make you feel better about yourself? Is this all over... some book I wrote?"

Shuichi explodes. " NO SEEING THIS doesn't make me FEEL BETTER! And seeing someone else's STRUGGLING or suffering doesn't make feel me GOOD or LUCKY! It doesn't make me want to take advantage of it, or makes me want to use what they're going through to feel high and mighty and LAUGH at THEM! It makes me feel the OPPOSITE! Like I got no power, like I can't DO ANYTHING! AND I HATE IT! And it makes me MAD! REALLY... MAD! AND I don't care if what that makes me- it doesn't give me peace of mind to know there are people out there- LIVING like this, having a HARDER TIME than I AM. In fact, I HATE it even more!"

"AND NO- if you want to know, I don't CARE about YOUR stupid book! I never READ it and I never WILL! " Shuichi barks. " So what if I don't sit around for hours by myself, staring at some BORING words on a page and forcing myself to believe some dumb- ass MADE up story?! I rather spend that time doing something that MATTERS! And who likes to READ anymore, except _SNOBS_ and nerds?! We have computers NOW!"

Eiri frowns at him.

"...I'll do something. I don't know what ...but something ... I'll make... some money. Somehow ." Shuichi cringes into his fist, stepping away, back towards the door. "God- I'll ... I'll even work for my Dad if I have to- even though it'll _kill_ me, _damnit_ , I'll do it... if it's the last thing I'll do, I'll figure out a way to get you out of here- or at least make your situation ...better somehow I promise! I'll make sure nothing bad will happen to you Mr. Uesugi. And I'll figure out a way to handle that bastard Taki too. I'll get him and ASK off your back! I'll do whatever it takes, if I have to!"

And Shuichi thinks: that includes somehow taking care of Hiro and Ayaka too.

"No you won't. Just... go home brat. Haven't you learned your lesson? Haven't... you caused enough problems .. I've... shown you everything now, haven't I. There's nothing more... nothing left to see... So...for the last time... Will you...just leave me alone. Forget about this... Don't come back." Eiri tells him wearily and collapses into his chair.

"I don't DO anything unless I want to! So tough! I'll come back tomorrow!" Shuichi points at the other man.

As he leaves, in the empty hallway, Shuichi sees something that has been scratched on Eiri's door with what looks like a pen knife.

He looks closer.

The words carved into the door read: 'ASK'

* * *

When Shuichi comes home that night, both his parents are watching television in silence.

"Shuichi." His mother calls out as Shuichi tries to sneak past to get to his room.

He stops.

His mother looks at Shuichi up and down, frowning. "...What happened to your face?"

His father turns from the television to stare at him also.

He remembers he had been avoiding his parents for that reason.

To avoid providing a explanation for his appearance.

Shuichi stares back at both of them.

He says flatly. "I fell."

They all stare at each other in silence.

"...You told me... you had a lead on a job yesterday." His mother continues, still frowning. "So... what happened with that?"

Another lie.

Shuichi says in a low voice. "I didn't get it."

His mother looks away, disappointedly.

His father sneers. "Why am I not surprised."

That current tone brings up all the similar times with his father.

The put-downs. The tirades. The smacks with the rolled up newspaper. His balled up fist coming down on Shuichi's back. The pinches and smacks to the face.

That one vague bleak memory lurking within Shuichi's consciousness like a dark shadowy form slithering and meandering through deep water, about that time after discovering that Shuichi had simply written in frustration "LAME, LAME, LAME " repeatedly in his notebook instead of proper class notes, when his father as punishment made stand (shoes off) in his garbage can.

And lastly his Sakuma poster ripping off his wall

Shuichi's father goes on bitterly."We might as well get prepared to never retire- and call our golden years ruined since we have a directionless son, who after costing us our life savings, can't even take care of us, let alone himself."

His mother murmurs half-heartedly. "...Maybe that's not the most encouraging thing to say to Shuichi -"

" _Encouraging?_ The boy doesn't need any more _encouragement. We've_ given him all the encouragement anyone could want or need. And it's the truth." His father barks in his booming voice and bangs his fist on the coffee table, making the entire table shake. " The boy needs to hear it!"

Shuichi interjects suddenly . "Don't _call_ me that."

His father says in a low voice. "What'd you say boy."

"Don't _call_ me a boy." Shuichi says between his teeth.

"And don't talk about me like I'm not here, when I'm standing right in front of your face Dad."

His father stands up from the sofa. Like a warning.

In response, Shuichi steps forward. Stands up straighter.

"I'm _not_ a boy." Shuichi asserts. "I AM a man."

His father steps up to him.

Grabs his T-shirt collar and pulls him forward.

"OH, You're _a man_ are you?!" His father barks in Shuichi's face. Launching into some variation of 'The Lecture' again. "Oh, you're now the BIG MAN around here huh ?! Say that to me when you start _paying your own bills!_ Say that when you start pulling your weight around here! Say that when you've applied yourself productively or achieved _anything_ we can be proud of! A real man isn't all talk. He takes control of his business! A real man betters himself! He holds onto a job and he works hard at it! He doesn't just GIVE up or CRUMBLE when the pressure's on him! A real man doesn't _shun_ his responsibilities or make excuses, after more excuses - and blames everyone else for his own mistakes! He owns up to them! He takes full advantage of whats been given to him and does even MORE with it! A man isn't a just a self-centered spoiled ineffectual ne'er-do-well! A real man doesn't present himself like AN ingrate and a imbecile, and throw a pity party and SULK like a degenerate- when things don't go his way or when people expect him to conduct himself with TACT and DIGNITY! He doesn't shame his family by tromping in at a late hour, looking and acting like a ... disgrace and talking back to them! A real man has PRIDE! A man's not an embarrassment to himself or others! A man does what's RIGHT! He takes care of his family- and he HONORS them- and he MAKES something with himself-"

And like that, Shuichi snaps.

He tears his father's hands off.

"OH SHUT UP Dad! " Shuichi howls back."I ...already AM something! ...and that's why I don't want to take anymore of YOUR CRAP!"

"Because it isn't true! You don't... tear me down because I have a bad attitude or don't work hard enough! " Shuichi shouts. "All I've ever done is MY BEST! Even if it was washing a plate of lousy dishes, I ALWAYS gave it my all! YEAH, maybe it wasn't good enough, but it was all I GOT! But NO MATTER what I'd do, it'd never be GOOD enough for you! You don't rag on me to HELP Me- because it doesn't HELP me! You TEAR ME DOWN because you're A BULLY ON A POWER TRIP! You think because I can't BE this...MADE-UP PERFECT SON you want- so you tear me down and say its my fault, like I'm some sort of wastrel and I'm no good and I don't try hard enough - when I've ALWAYS had to WORK 10 times harder to do what ALOT of people don't even think about! AND YOU KNOW IT! But I'm SORRY for existing THEN! I'm SORRY for EXISTING in a way that BUMS you out so DAMN MUCH DAD! Sorry that I FLY in the face of that fake old-school CRAP you think! LIke when you TELL ME YOUNG PEOPLE are all lazy, stupid and SELFISH- BUT times are harder for all us kids now, because OLD people like you give us a hard time, and have shortchanged us, and LIED to US, and don't LISTEN to us- you don't even TRY to listen! You all just made the WORLD SUCK for us and you know that too! Why else would the real life be so TOUGH unless you ALL LET US DOWN?! Or maybe - you JUST don't like your OWN life and you're MAD at me because I tried to go for my dreams and you didn't?! And you want to take out that on somebody, and I'm it! Or you're MAD you can't control ANYONE else, SO you get to CONTROL me and because I'm your son and I got no choice but to TAKE IT! Since you raised me because I couldn't do it myself, does that means you get to hold that against me forever, and I have to do everything you SAY like a robot like I got no MIND or life of my own?!WHAT kind of LOUSY deal is that?! I don't GET it! You do nothing but disrespect me and I'm supposed to respect you?! How can I have pride in myself as a man, if you don't treat me like one?! How can I have PRIDE if you treat me like a punching bag and you've never taught me to STICK UP FOR myself?! How can and want to achieve anything - if all my life all you ever done is you've made me feel like dirt and kicked down everything I ever LIKED OR wanted to do ?! How is that FAIR?! HOW IS THAT RIGHT Dad?!"

His father answers him with a punch to his face.

The next thing Shuichi sees,is his father standing above him where he's sprawled out on the floor.

His mother on the sofa, doing nothing

His father looks outraged.

And also stunned.

Possibly at Shuichi or at himself.

"How... dare you... if I ever talked that way to my father- it would have been the _last_ thing I'd ever said." His father says in that same stunned shaken voice. Fist still balled up by his side. "And I've worked too hard and sacrificed too much ...for my own son ...who lives under _my_ roof ...to speak... to me that way."

Shuichi then sits up.

"...Soon you won't have to." Shuichi pants, legs spread before him. "I'll ...move out soon."

"Good ...because your mother and I can't bear the sight of you anymore." Shuichi's father croaks.

Before a statement like that might have devastated him.

Instead, Shuichi picks himself up, and brushes himself off.

He walks to his room.

Collapses face-first on his bed-spread.

And sleeps like he's dead.

The last word he thinks before he does is 'Yuki'.


End file.
